Welcome Home Bella Swan!
by RealityShowJunky
Summary: Bella Swan was the object of the Cullen and Hale's bullying from fifth-eighth grade. She's now nineteen and completely okay with the fact that her brain will never work like everyone else's. Once she meets her old 'friends' again what will happen? AH
1. Crazy Train

**Hello everyone! Fair warning, this is my first Fan Fiction so I am not quite sure how good it will be. I really hope you don't hate it. I know this storyline isn't very original, but I figured I would put my own personal touch to it. So, have fun reading!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned the Twilight Saga, I sure as hell wouldn't be writing on this site.**

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**Crazy Train- Ozzy Osbourne**

**BPOV**

I rolled my eyes at the guys who were subtly-note the sarcasm-checking me out as I made my way down the plane's long aisle in search of my seat. It would be one thing to be looked at as if you were a piece of meat by someone you might consider dating, but it's another story when it's by arrogant assholes.

I finally found my seat and hoisted my suitcase into the overhead compartment. I grabbed my iPod and stuck the large earphones over my head, music always calmed my nerves.

Today I would be going back to hell. Okay I might be acting a little melodramatic, but if you held the same memories I held from there you wouldn't blame me.

Sorry, I can see how I might be a little confusing, I tend to confuse people often. Hell, I tend to confuse _myself _often, but I can't help it if my brain doesn't work the same as other people's. It's like everyone else's brains are tuned to F.M. while mine's on A.M.

Sorry, I'm rambling now, I tend to do that often as well, especially if I'm nervous.

Okay I guess I'll start from the beginning so I can get you up to speed. The parental units were high-school sweethearts, they got married right out of high-school, my mom got knocked up and had me. There was trouble in paradise, so they got divorced when I was about four. They decided that I should live with Charlie, since he is more parental material than Renee. All is right with the world.

Then the fifth grade began. You might be wondering, 'Hey, is this chick crazy? Who hates the fifth grade?'. Well I won't lie about the crazy thing, but there is a lot wrong with the fifth grade. The fifth grade is the year where all the girls decide that they need to look like Barbie's. They start messing around with the clothes, and the hair, and the face-paint.

Fifth grade is also when I started to realize that I was different. I didn't feel any need to mess around with that stuff. I liked myself just how I was. Well apparently, the whole school decided that different wasn't good. And I blame one person.

Edward fucking Cullen.

He made it his mission in life to make fun of me in every way possible. Eventually the whole school started shunning me and treating me like a fucking pariah. I was the freaky loser that had no friends. I of course blame others too, but most people just ignored me. He and his siblings and their best friends the Hales took their jokes way too far.

Here, since I'm already stuck in this reverie, I'll explain them too.

I'll start with the Cullen's. Alice Cullen was about four-feet tall, and thin to the extreme. Think pixie. Well I should rephrase that, think _evil _pixie. She pretty much stayed focused on making fun of my appearance, like my hair and clothes. I couldn't go one day without being called a no-style-loser from her.

Then there was Emmet Cullen. He looked like an over-sized grizzly bear, even in the fifth grade. He was just as mean too. He loved to make fun of my inability to walk across a clear, flat surface without falling on my face. It's safe to say that one of his favorite hobbies was to trip me and then make jokes saying that I had 'Klutzamania'. Clearly not the brightest of the bunch, but I digress.

Onto the Hales.

Rosalie Hale. Think the epitome of beauty, and then multiply it by a million. She was gorgeous and she knew it. She, like Alice, loved picking on my appearance. She took every opportunity she was given to make sure that I knew I was plain and nothing special. When standing next to her, I felt like a McDonald's hamburger patty being compared to a Sirloin steak.

Jasper Hale was Rosalie's twin brother, and equally as beautiful. If I had to pick a lesser of the five evils, I'd pick Jasper. Don't get me wrong, he never did anything to help me or ever tell them to stop, but he also never tried to make it harder on me. He just kind of treated me like I wasn't there. And as fucked up as it sounds to be treated like I didn't exist, I appreciated it.

They were all gorgeous, they were all rich, and they all despised me. I mean they never actually said those exact words out loud, but I just got the assumption.

But who knows, you know what they say when you assume things.

So they basically made my life a living hell from fifth grade till about the summer before Freshman year.

One day at the Cullen annual end of summer barbecue that Charlie made me attend, they took things too far. I remember crying for the rest of the night and the whole next day. I realized that the taunting and the bullying needed to stop, so I had a long talk with my dad, and we decided that moving to Arizona with Renee would be my best option.

I hated them all. Not particularly because of what they did to me. I could handle it. I've always danced to the beat of the little drummer(He prefers the name Brian) that lives in my head. I hated them because of what they did to Charlie. I was all Charlie had, and I knew it killed him to know that I was being hurt and he couldn't do anything to stop it.

I swear if I ever see them again I'll-

No need to leave my happy place. As if I had a happy place to leave. My best friend James calls me snarky and sarcastic, but I don't see it.

Anyway, I will be returning to my very own personal form of purgatory today. I miss Charlie and I'm all he has. And to be honest, I don't have anything keeping me back in Phoenix. Besides James that is, but that's a moot point because he'll be moving down here soon too.

You could say that I've changed a lot over the past couple of years. I'm not the same young girl who just wanted to fit in. James helped a lot with that. In the words of whoever was first to speak them, you have to love me or leave me.

James was the first person I met in Phoenix and he was so open about himself and his sexuality, I realized he was the kind of friend I wanted. Not to sound too clichéd, but James is my soul brother. We understand each other's fucked up sense of humor and suit each others mean-spirited personalities.

I was too caught up in my own thoughts to notice that the flight attendant with the fake smile was trying to get my attention.

"I'm sorry what?" I asked politely.

"We are going to be taking off soon, would you please put on your seat belt?" I didn't appreciate the impatient tone and body language she used.

I know I could've just let it go and made her life a hell of a lot easier, but I wouldn't be me if I did that.

"Is this seat belt fireproof?"

"Well I don't-"

"So if I accidentally catch myself on fire, assume they're fireproof like they should be and don't unbuckle it, then what? I just die because you can't tell me the basic facts on these seatbelts?" I questioned.

"I'm sorry miss-" she started again but I cut her off.

"And is it baby proof?"

"I don't understand your question, but I think-"

"You _think._ You should _know. _I am just worried about my own personal safety and the welfare of my being and you can't answer these simple questions? What about the insurance policy on these seat belts, can you tell me about that?"

"I can-"

"You know what? You have been no help whatsoever and the sound of your voice irritates my ears. I will be writing your manager."

I think she realized that she would not win this battle because she just turned around and walked back into…well wherever the flight attendants go. I laughed and quickly put on my seat belt.

The pilot suddenly came over the intercom and started talking. Naturally, I didn't pay him any attention, and soon we were off.

I opened up my laptop and started working on what will be my third novel. Right after high school I decided against attending college, because school just isn't my thing. I don't believe that tests and homework can really determine one's intelligence. So one day, while I was just sitting there thinking about what I wanted to do with my life, the idea came to me. I took one of the hundreds of short-stories that I'd written and expanded it into a book. I have always loved to read and write, and I'm not the kind of person to work the typical nine to five job. I won't lie and say it was easy to get my first novel published, but it (literally and figuratively) paid off in the end.

At nineteen-years-old I've already had two books published and have one in the making. That's quite a feat if you ask me. On top of that, I have made quite the bundle off of them.

Suddenly the announcer's voice came back over the intercom and stated that we would be landing soon. I took a look out the window and sure enough, I could see the Port Angles airport in the distance. I waited a while after we landed to collect my stuff so I wouldn't be swallowed up in the mass of people.

I walked down the steps of the plane and took a deep breath.

And here. We. Go.

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**Well there it was. I know it was pretty boring, but I wanted you to get to know Bella some more and learn about their past. Please review and tell me if I suck. Adios.**

***Revised as of June 27, 2011**

**P.S: The chapter titles have nothing to do with the actual content of the chapter, they just happen to be songs that make me smile.**


	2. Low Rider

**Hey everyone. The positive reviews I got seriously made my day. I tried to do a better editing job than last time. When I read the first chapter I couldn't believe how many things I missed. Thanks for enjoying it. Hope you like this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

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**Low Rider- War**

**BPOV**

I surprisingly got out of the airport fairly quickly. I had no altercations with any of the gawking douche bags, so I'm in a relatively good mood.

I get hit on a lot. I guess I'm pretty, but I think the real thing that guys like is the 'I-don't-give-a-shit' attitude that James says I just exude.

On a lighter note, I'm excited to go apartment hunting. This was a 'Que Sera Sera' kind of move and I didn't really plan ahead. Until I find the next Batcave-I mean my next apartment- I will be staying with good old Charlie. Most people would want their own privacy, especially with being so young and just getting out of the nest, but I don't mind.

Charlie and I have a great relationship. We don't talk a lot about our feelings, but we don't need words. It's like we just _know._

The old, graying cabby pulled up in front of Charlie's house. I quickly paid him-I think he overcharged but hey, we all have to make a living somehow right?- and grabbed my things from the trunk.

I took a moment to look at the house that I grew up in. I was happy to see that it looked the same, give or take a new coat of paint.

You see my child-like, flaky, hair-brained, but _lovable _mother Renee, was well…child-like, flaky, hair-brained, and lovable. She didn't believe in keeping a hobby-or a boyfriend(until she met her husband Phil of course)- for over a week. She constantly changed, redecorated, and rearranged things. I love her to death, but her house wasn't a home, it was a circus. It's nice to see that one thing in my life will always be stable and stay exactly how it should.

Before I could move toward the front door, Charlie was already out and coming towards me. Once he finally got here, I gave him a big bear-hug. He hugged me back tightly.

"I missed you Bells," he said, clearly happy that I was back. But come on, who wouldn't be happy to have me home?

"I missed you too Dad. I'm really happy to be back."

He grabbed two of my suitcases and headed for the front door. I followed him and being the graceful ballerina that I am, tripped over a rock and fell flat onto the sidewalk. Guess you can't break _all_ old habits.

I could tell that Charlie was trying not to laugh at me. I let out a small chuckle and he soon joined along.

"Are you okay Bells?" he asked, helping me to my feet.

"Yeah, I'm great," I said casually, dusting myself off. He continued to laugh at me.

For the rest of the night, we ate some pizza and caught up with each other. It turns out that he's seeing a woman by the name of Clearwater. Sue Clearwater. Charlie's best friend Billy Black lives on a small Indian Reservation near Forks named La Push, and I guess Charlie met Sue at one of their annual bonfires.

I'm delighted for Charlie, it seems like Sue really makes him happy, and he deserves to be happy.

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I was woken up by a terrible beeping sound. Ugh, I swear if I ever meet the person who created alarm clocks I'll kick his ass. I mean seriously, who wants to wake up to a horrid screeching noise when you could be happily sleeping. Not me, that's who.

Today was a busy day. I would have to go looking for a new apartment and a new car, and I hated doing that because I know literally nothing about cars. Usually I have James with me, but he won't be here till the afternoon.

I made my way down the wooden stairs, making sure to be extra careful. Let's just say that I am not usually my amazing, personable self in the mornings. It'd kind of suck to have to go to the emergency room before ten A.M.

I made a bowl of cereal and ate it peacefully. Then my phone rang. I only know of one person who would call this early, and I also know that this person is stubborn and will keep calling until I answer.

"Hey James."

"Hey Bellsie, how's Forks so far? I know, unbelievably boring without me there. Anywho, I only found two of your boxes, and they were both labeled books. You're going to have to call Renee and let her know where the rest of your boxes are so she can send them out to you."

"You're voice bothers my eardrums. And that's all my stuff." I covered my ears and waited for the high-pitched 'please tell me you're joking' to come from the other end.

"I don't know why I'm surprised." was all he said before hanging up. I have to admit that I was a bit disappointed by his lack of insult.

Just to spite James, I threw on an outfit that I knew he'd hate. I put on a pair of jeans, a black Bob Marley tee-shirt, and some beat up converse. I personally see nothing wrong with this ensemble. But then again 'I wouldn't' as James likes to say.

I ran a brush through my long brown hair, grabbed my bag, and stepped outside. It was about that time that I realized I didn't have anyway to get to the dealership.

This is certainly a dilemma.

About forty-five minutes and two sore feet later, I found myself at the only dealership in Forks.

"Hey there little lady! What can I do for you today?"

"Well, let's start by calling me by my name. It's Pedro. Now that that's settled, why don't you show me some of your collection."

He looked at me like I was crazy for a few seconds, shook his head, and started to show me what they had. And that is how the ball bounces bitches.

I pulled out of the dealership in my brand new…um I don't know the name of it. But I _do _know that it's shiny and black and fast. Just how a car should be.

So now here I am, cruising down the street in my new, shiny, black car. I don't think I've ever been this excited about a car before. I fucking _love _it. Not to sound like a new-age hippie, but I think it's the aura the car give-

_Boom._ My car was unexpectedly jolted a few feet forward. The fuck? I turned to see a silver Volvo directly behind me. The front of it was crunched up horrendously. I'm embarrassed to admit that it took me a few moments to realize what had happened.

OH _HELL_ NO! Some idiot did NOT just crash into my new, shiny, fast, black car. Someone is going to die. Slowly and painfully. I'll look up the longest, most torturous murder techniques on the internet if I have to.

I jumped out of my car and slammed the door. Some dude with shiny, bronze colored, sex-hair was kneeling in-between both of our cars, checking out the damage.

"You mother fucker."

"Hello, I'm sorry-"

"Damn straight you're sorry. I just got this car _ten_ fucking minutes ago. Who the fuck taught you to drive, Stevie Wonder?" I ranted out, far past hysterical.

"Again, I deeply apologize, it was all my fault. If your insurance doesn't cover it, I will. And- hey you look really familiar, what's your name?" the asshole wanted to know. I was tempted to tell him Pedro, but then I realized he would probably need it for insurance reasons.

"If I had my way it would be Batman, but my birth certificate says Isabella Swan, Bella for short," I answered impatiently. I kneeled down to check the damage on my car.

I frowned as I stood up, finally taking the time to get a good look at the asshole.

I hate life.

You have got to be fucking kidding me. Apparently I did something to piss off the people who decide my fate because anyone who even remotely liked me would never do this.

I quickly rearranged my facial expression so he couldn't see that I recognized him.

"Oh shit! Bella Swan! Do you remember me? I'm Edward Cullen." His face went from excited to guilty in seconds.

I decided to fuck with him a bit.

"Um sorry, I don't…" I let my voice trail off as if I didn't know who he was.

"We went to elementary and middle school together. My siblings were Alice and Emmett. You know small pixie and big grizzly bear."

"Your sister's a grizzly bear and your brother's a pixie? I'd hate to meet your parents," I said with a raise of my eyebrow.

"No I mean- never mind. Do you remember Jasper and Rosalie Hale? You and I had science in the eighth grade together," he seemed almost desperate. I had trouble trying not to laugh at the frustrated expression on his face.

"We were all kind of mean. I'm really sorry about that. We were idiots. Do you really not remember?"

"Wait, is your dad Dr. Carlisle Cullen?" I asked.

"Yeah!"

"Oh, so you're the guy who caused the worst four years of my life for no apparent reason. Of course I fucking remember you." I smiled at him, "You've aged well."

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**I hope you liked the chapter. Dear Eduardo is finally introduced. Review if you do or don't like it. Peace.**

***Revised as of June 27, 2011**

**P.S: The chapter titles have nothing to do with the actual content of the chapter, they just happen to be songs that make me smile.**


	3. I Don't Feel Like Dancing

**Hey people. I'm really glad you all like the story. Thank you for all the reviews and such, I hope you enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. They belong to Stephenie Meyer. I am just using them for my own freaky satisfaction.**

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**I Don't Feel Like Dancing- Scissor Sisters**

**BPOV**

About three seconds after I told Eddie-boy that I remembered him, the insurance people and police arrived. So, we didn't have a chance to talk. Sucks for me, huh?

Every time Edward tried to talk to me, someone new would come up to question us. This pleased me. I tried not to think about the fact that soon everyone would leave and it'd just be us two again. I also tried not to think about the fact that I had no way to get home.

I could call Charlie, but I didn't want to bother him. I could call a cab, but that would be such a waste of money. I suppose if all else fails I could walk. I looked down at my feet and sent them a silent apology.

I watched as a big truck carted away what used to be my wonderful, fast, shiny, black car. I did my best not to whimper.

"Are you okay?" I heard an all too familiar voice ask from behind me.

"You fucked up my car. I'm obviously phenomenal," I replied, watching it get smaller and smaller as the big truck drove further away. I groaned, then looked around only to find that we were alone. I was curious as to how he was going to get home, but didn't care enough to ask.

I decided on calling James, hoping that he had arrived since the time we last spoke.

"Hello," James' voice was two steps away from chirpy.

"Where are you?"

"Well I'm fine, it was nice of you to ask."

"Sorry, I'm in a bad mood. Don't even comment on that. Anyway, how far away are you? I need a ride, and I already walked three miles today -you know how I hate doing that- so I don't feel like walking anymore."

"Sorry babe, I won't be there for about three hours, at least." And then he hung up.

"You suck," I grumbled into the phone pathetically.

I looked up and noticed that Senor douche bag -I have taken to calling him that in my head- had just gotten off the phone as well.

"Hey, if you need a ride my brother Emmett -well you know him- he's on his way and we can take you wherever you need to go," he told me, his voice hopeful.

Yeah right, so they can double-team me. Fuckers think they're so clever.

"Nah, thanks for the offer though." I said, and searched around my bag for my iPod.

"No, I insist, it's the least I can do, I crashed into to you. And I know that Emmett would love to see you. Come on."

I wanted to tell him to fuck off, but the good manners that Renee and Charlie bestowed upon me told me not to.

"No it's fine, the exercise should be good for me." The words felt bitter leaving my mouth.

Senor douche bag was about to say something, but the sound of loud music blaring out of a huge Jeep interrupted him. The jeep suddenly pulled up next to us.

"Hey Eddie! Is this babe the person you ran into?" Emmett asked. I knew immediately that it was Emmett by the booming voice and inhumanly large muscles.

"My name is not Babe. It's Pedro." I couldn't help myself. Senor douche bag laughed at the confused look on Emmett's face.

"Okay, I'm sorry…Pedro."

"Emmett, this is Bella Swan, from school."

"Holy shit! Bella fucking Swan!" Emmett boomed.

"Yes, Bella fucking Swan," was my response. I turned and made my way down the empty street. Five steps down, about a billion to go.

"No wait! Hey, I don't know if you remember this, but I wasn't the nicest kid back in the day-" he started, but was cut off by my loud cackle.

"If you're about to go into some long, heartfelt apology, like the kind I make fun of in movies, save it," I told him impatiently. I didn't want to waste valuable walking time on him.

I started to walk away, only to be called back. I sighed and turned around.

"Look I really am sorry. Blame it on Eddie, he made me, but I still shouldn't have done it. I don't say this often, well, I don't say this _ever_, but I was a complete tool. I'm sorry. I'll let you punch me if you'd like," Emmett's tone was pleading.

"Eddie made you?" I questioned curiously.

"I-" Edward started, but was cut off by Emmett.

"So do you forgive me?" he asked hopefully. He sounded like a little kid asking his mom for a piece of candy.

I shrugged. It's not like I'll ever see him again. And apparently "Eddie made him". Yeah...Edward Cullen's a douche.

Emmett did a little happy dance that resembled a monkey on crack, but I decided to be nice and keep that comment to myself. Although, if I said it out loud, it would just be payback. I was too engrossed in my mental musings to notice Edward's scowl.

I decided now was as good a time as any to leave.

"No!"

"I swear if you try to stop me from leaving one more fucking time I will hitch kick your face. Okay? Just say what you need to say all at once. Gosh damnit."

"Sorry. But I insist that we give you a ride. I'm sure it's a long walk to…wherever you're going. Please." He looked confident, like he was sure of my answer.

"Okay I was trying to be nice, but whatever. I don't feel comfortable being in an enclosed vehicle alone with either of you for any amount of time, so I'll just walk."

"Ouch," I heard Emmett mutter under his breath.

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**EPOV**

Ouch was right, although I know I deserve it. I still can't believe I ran into- I guess _crashed_ is the better term- Bella Swan.

I'm still berating myself for what I did to her for all those years. I can't believe I was such a dick. For such a stupid reason too. Because I couldn't handle rejection. Which, to get technical wasn't even rejection.

The first day of kindergarten was when I fell in love with her. It was in the fifth grade that I decided to act on it. That clearly went well.

All the girls were throwing themselves at me, all except for Bella. I didn't like it. She spent her time reading and doing her own thing instead of paying attention to me. So being the immature little punk that I was, decided to _make_ her notice. The more effort I used to make her like me, the more she hated me. It was a vicious cycle.

I remember the day after the barbeque, when our homeroom teacher told us that Bella would not be returning. I felt like shit. I know my siblings, Jasper, and Rosalie felt similar.

I felt awful about that too. I'm ashamed to admit that I manipulated them into messing with her. One day they came to me and asked why I was so mean to her. I didn't want them to make fun of me for liking a girl, so I told them that she was mean to me first, and they loyally stood by me.

But I swear that I never told anyone else to pick on her. My siblings, the Hales, and I were considered popular for reasons unknown. The rest of our no-brained peers decided if we messed with Bella, then they should too. It bothered me, and if my siblings or the Hales weren't around, I told them to stop. That didn't do much good though.

After Bella left, I told my siblings and the Hales why I was really such an asshole to her, and they were really upset with me. They ignored me for the next few weeks.

"So if you'd let me, I'll be on my way," her beautiful voice brought me out of my memory.

"Come on, I know you don't want to walk all the way Pedro. Let us give you a ride," Emmett persisted.

"Please," I threw in with a pout. It works on most girls…then again Bella is nothing like most girls.

"Don't beg, it makes you look like a dog," she grumbled, "But my feet hurt, and it seems like you guys are seconds away from moving me by force, so I suppose I'll get in." I tried my best to keep the triumphant smirk off of my face.

I opened the door and she hopped in. I then made my way to the front seat.

"So, where to Pedro?" Emmett asked.

"The Chief's house," she responded absentmindedly.

"What have you been up to?" I asked, trying to start up a conversation.

"A little of this, a little of that."

"What's this and that?" Emmett asked.

"Oh, you know."

"Not really," Emmett answered, growing impatient.

"Oh look, I'm home. Thanks for the ride," she opened the door, fake smile firmly in place.

I decided to ask her if she wanted to catch up. I was about one hundred and ten percent sure of her answer, but decided to take the risk anyway.

"Hey do you want to go out for coffee or something? You know, to catch up."

"No," she said without missing a beat and walked into the house.

"Ouch," Emmett said with a laugh.

"Is that the extent of your vocabulary?"

"You totally screwed up with that one. Why'd you have to be a douche? What ever happened to 'I like you, be mine?' No that's not how you roll."

"I know, I just have to find out how to fix it," I said, plans already starting to form in my head.

"Well, good luck with that Eddie, she's different. She won't take any of the crap you spew out to all the others."

"Stop calling me Eddie."

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**I hope you guys liked the chapter. I decided to let you know what's going on in Eddie's head. Review and tell me what you think.**

***Revised as of June 28, 2011**

**P.S: The chapter titles have nothing to do with the actual content of the chapter, they just happen to be songs that make me smile.**


	4. Kung Fu Fighting

**Hey everyone! I know I haven't updated as quickly as I usually do, but I just started high school today and I've been really busy. I might not update as frequently but I will definitely keep going with this story. I really love all the positive comments, thank you. Hope you enjoy this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

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**Kung Fu Fighting- Carl Douglas**

**BPOV**

I still can't believe that fucker actually asked me out for coffee to 'catch up'. Yeah right, more like he wanted to get more ammo for his insult gun.

Sometimes I am so clever I scare myself.

I still haven't gotten the chance to go apartment hunting, for I have no means of transportation. Apparently some people never learned how to properly drive. Not that I'm saying any names.

Cough.

I'm still pissed about the whole ordeal. I only had that car for ten minutes. Only that shit would happen to me.

It is now five o'clock, and I'm completely bored out of my mind. I've been trying to find things to do to pass the time, but it hasn't been working out that well. I even tried calling James so he could entertain me…that didn't end up too great either.

But I will not lie. I do miss him and I'm really glad he'll be here with me.

Anyway, I have absolutely nothing to do. I tried sunbathing, but the raindrops became painful and I realized where I was. I tried working on my novel, but I just wasn't in the zone.

So here I am.

Now I'm even madder at Senor douche bag. He is the reason for my boredom. Maybe I should have said yes to his offer, it would have at least given me something to do and some time to mess with him.

Nah.

I'd rather be bored out of my psychotic mind than face anymore of his teasing. I'm almost positive that he would find at least one thing about me to make fun of.

I'm not getting on that bus.

I started to impatiently drum my fingers along the flat surface of the table. Getting into it, I began rocking my head back and forth. Before I could stop it, my voice rang out through the house. My singing didn't match the 'beat', but that didn't bother me. After a while, my loser moment passed and I was still bored.

I checked the time.

Five-o-one.

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Here I sit. In the same seat that I have been occupying for the last hour, forty-three minutes, and thirty-two seconds.

I heard the doorbell ring and praised the heavens. At least it's _something_. I did a weird little dance to the door, but stopped before I reached it in an effort to at least seem normal. As if.

I opened up the door to find a little old lady. The kind that looked like she would bake you pies and chocolate-chip cookies and other shit like that. I was about to say a friendly hello, but she soon cut me off.

"You bitch," she said in a raspy smoker's voice.

"Pardon_?" _I asked a little taken aback. What the fuck_?_

"You're the little whore who cheated on my Johnny and broke his heart."

"You must be mistaken. I don't know any Johnnies."

"Looks like you're a liar too. Now I'm going to kick your ass," she glared at me.

"Look lady, I don't know a Johnny."

She glared at me for a moment, and then lunged. We both came tumbling onto the porch. We rolled over trying to accomplish our respective objectives. Crazy's of trying to strangle me, and mine of trying to push her off.

"Get off of me! I don't know your damn Johnny you crazy bitch!"

"Respect your elders you little slut!"

She then proceeded to punch me square in the face. I could feel the blood trickle down my face.

"Oh it's on now!"

I was able to get a few good hits in before we heard footsteps come up behind us.

"Grandma! What are you doing?" some kid with overly-gelled black hair screeched at Crazy.

"I'm getting the little bitch that cheated on you!" she yelled, her tone laced with confusion.

"I don't know this girl-although I could," he stated with a wink in my direction, "I told you 503, not 305."

Did this asshole really get his grandma to beat up some chick who cheated on him? What is this world coming to?

"Oh," she said, getting off of me. "It was nice meeting you dear, you have a lovely home. Have a nice day!" She then proceeded to drive off with her dear grandson.

I stood there dumbstruck. I've never gotten my ass kicked and then been told to have a nice day, much less by a grandmother. The sound of a car being parked in the driveway echoed through the air.

"Hey Bells. Today I'm going down to La Push, and I was wondering if you wanted to come. I know James will be getting here soon, but I figured if you two were up to it you might want to stop by," Pops said, and then looked at me for a moment.

"What happened to you?"

* * *

Charlie had just left, and I was sitting on the couch watching T.V. I realized I much preferred the quiet to the…_unquiet_.

The doorbell rang. I froze. What if it's another crazy old lady who wants to kick my ass? What do I do? Maybe if I don't answer they'll think no one is home and go away.

"Bella! Get your cute little ass off the couch and come answer the damn door!" James called out. I ran to open the door and there stood James in all his glory. He opened his arms and I leaped onto him. Normally I wasn't a hugging person, but I'd had a long day.

"Aw Bella, tell Dr. James all about it," he said in his best therapist voice.

"Nah, let's get the stuff out of the car and then I'll tell you all about my fucked up day."

I walked out to the big truck that James rented out. I took a look at all the boxes, turned, and walked back into the house. I joined James on the couch.

"So tell me all about your fucked up day."

"Well first off, I had to walk to the fucking car dealership. But I was so happy, because I found the perfect car. It was fast, shiny, and black."

"Just like a car should be."

"You know it. Anyway, so ten fucking minutes after I pulled out of the dealership some idiot crashed into me," I said.

"Mother Fucker."

"That's exactly what I said! Anyway, turns out the bastard was Edward fuck-up-innocent-young-girls'-childhoods Cullen," I heard James gasp but I continued on. "So after all the accident shit was over, he offered me a ride. His brother Emmett was picking him up and they basically forced me in the car. Fuckers."

"How was that? Are you okay? Do I need to make a call and have some damage done?" He was clearly very excited by this idea.

"No, I fucked with their heads a little bit, it felt so good. Anyway, so I was sitting here bored, and then all of sudden the doorbell rang. So I answer it, and it's this cute little old lady. Then all of sudden she accuses me of being a lying cheating whore and she attacks me."

"So let me get this straight. You got your ass handed to you by a little old lady?" And then he burst into laughter.

"Yeah laugh all you want. It's all fun and games until you get beat up by some loser's grandma."

After James continued to tease me more about the...incident…we decided to get cleaned up and take a cab to have dinner somewhere in Port Angles. Surprisingly -cue eye roll- James made me change out of what I was wearing. Tight black skinny jeans paired with a navy- blue cardigan was my new ensemble. I did my best to get out of wearing it, but he beat me fair and square in thumb war. And everyone knows you can't just ignore the rules of thumb war.

"I think I just win at life," I told James, referring to the fact that the restaurant and I shared the same name. _La Bella Italia._ He shoved me playfully and opened the door. We rushed inside to absorb the heat.

* * *

**I hope you liked it. Nothing important really happened, but I thought it was pretty entertaining. Please comment and tell me what you think. Bye!**

***Revised as of June 29, 2011**

**P.S: The chapter titles have nothing to do with the actual content of the chapter, they just happen to be songs that make me smile.**


	5. Why Can't We Be Friends?

**Hey everyone! Here's a new chapter. Bella's reintroduced to the rest of the family. I hope it lives up to your expectations. Thank you for all of the positive comments. I just love reading them.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

**Why Can't We Be Friends**?**- War**

**BPOV**

"How many will it be?" the perky blond hostess asked, eyeing James down.

I'd never paid much attention to how high James scored on the hotness scale before. I suppose this is because I knew his sexual preferences the moment I met him. But now that the hostess was being so obvious about checking him out, I took the time to look too.

I have to admit, he's a good looking mother fucker. With his flawless dirty-blond hair, clear pale skin, baby-blue eyes, and naturally ruby red lips. He worked out daily -he says he needs to keep the guys happy and coming- so he's disgustingly in-shape.

But don't tell him I said this, let us not stroke his already humongous ego.

"Two and a fourth," I told the waitress. James rolled his eyes, and I chuckled as she tried to make sense of my words.

"A fourth?"

"I'd be grateful if you didn't make fun of my friends for not being built the same way as everyone else. It's not cool and it's not appreciated."

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean- but a fourth?"

"She's just messing with you honey. Don't be offended, she does it to everyone. It's her only talent, It'll be two," James shot her a sympathetic smile.

"Okay," she said, but still sounded confused. "It'll be about a twenty minute wait." James gave her a nod and walked me over to the bench like I was a mental patient.

"Bella, you really shouldn't do that to people," he sighed, but then smiled. "Although it is quite entertaining, and I don't know what I'd do if you stopped."

"I have no idea what you're talking about James," I smirked.

"Uh huh." We shared a light laugh for a few moments.

"Bella!" I turned at the sound of my name. Standing in front of me was the whole Cullen\Hale bunch.

Fuck. Me.

"Pedro! Fancy meeting you here!" Emmett's voice could be heard across the entire restaurant.

"Uh huh." Except this time those two words didn't sound so funny.

"What happened to your eye?" Edward asked abruptly. James smiled at me deviously.

"Bellsie had a little altercation with a _very_ upset lady." Upon hearing this, Emmett started booming with laughter.

"Bella Swan! Just look at you!" This came from the midget\pixie, otherwise known as Alice. She threw her tiny little arms of steel around me.

As gently and slowly as I could I pulled them off.

"Um no offense, but this is my personal space," I said, pointing to the air around me. "That is your personal space," I said, pointing to the air around her. "Respect that."

"Table for two and a four- I mean table for two!" the hostess called, her face flushing at her mistake. James and I began to laugh, causing her to glower intensely.

"Well that's us…nice seeing you," I stated awkwardly, grabbing James' hand to lead him elsewhere "Good day!"

"NO!" Edward shouted. He cleared his throat. "I mean, we should all sit together, and catch up."

"Yes! That would be wonderful!" The dwarf exclaimed.

"It really wouldn't."

"But we insist," Edward turned to the hostess to make the new arrangements.

"Well since apparently we're all getting reacquainted," I spoke, mumbling the last part under my breath, "This is my best friend James Sangsue."

There was a round of friendly greetings.

"Hello," James smiled.

The hostess led us to our table. Alice was sitting at the head, with Jasper to her right, James to his right, me to his right, Emmett to her left, Rosalie to his left, and Edward to her left. I was across from Edward.

Nice.

"So Bella, what have you been up to?" Rosalie asked. About eight years too late to be playing nice.

I contemplated telling her 'stuff', but figured that if I didn't tell them then James would. _I_ might as well be the one to brag -I mean tell them- about my accomplishments.

"Well I've been writing. I've published two books, and they've been selling really well."

"Bellsie's just being humble. They've both been on the New York Best-Selling List since they were released. She's done great."

"Wow! That's amazing!" Tinkerbelle exclaimed.

"Yeah, that's really great," Jasper threw in.

"We're all so happy to see you again," Rosalie said, "We definitely need to get together another time."

Yeah, more like they want to kidnap me to spill pig's blood over my head at prom.

Nothing gets past me.

"Okay. Let's cut the bullshit," my voice was blunt. Everyone stared at me in shock. Except for James, who was probably excited for what was about to go down. He always told me he wanted to be there if I ever confronted them.

"It's pretty fucking clear that you people don't like me. I know it, you know it, we all fucking know it. Fucking Hell. Anyway, what I want to know is: what the hell am I doing here?"

"Eating?" Emmett tried to be cute.

Alice decided to speak, "We know that we were wrong, and we are really sorry for everything. Let's put this is all behind us. Let's be friends." The rest of them looked towards me expectantly.

I sat there in shock.

"So let me get this clear. You people fucked up my childhood, fucked up my pre-teen years for reasons that I'm not clear on, and now you want me to forget all about it?" I then erupted into a loud cackle. "All I have to say is: what are you guys on, and can I have some?"

"When you put it like that…" Emmett mumbled.

"To make myself perfectly clear, stay the fuck away from me. I'm not going to lie, you people kind of scare me still. I'm worried that one day you'll decide to come to my house and go Charlie Manson on me in my sleep. Maybe I'm being irrational, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. So I repeat, stay the fuck away from me." With that I turned on my heal and left.

I heard James say bye and come out after me.

"I'm proud to know you."

I smiled, still pumped with adrenaline.

"How do you want to forget about this night? I assume by renting an action movie with a good fight scene. Then ordering enough Chinese food to feed a family of eight, yes?"

"Is there any other way?"

* * *

**EPOV**

We sat there in shock for a couple of minutes. She basically told us to fuck off. No one's ever told any of us to fuck off before. It's new, and I can't really say that I like it.

"I liked her before, but now I fucking love her!" Emmett boomed. We all rolled our eyes and Rose smacked him.

"Why would she reject our friend request?" Alice questioned aloud. A pout was beginning to grow on her tiny face, but her demeanor changed in seconds. "Oh well, one day we _will_ become best friends."

"Yeah, one day," I sighed, deep in thought. I'm going to win her over if it's the last thing I do.

"You can't really blame her though," Jasper commented. He was probably the nicest one to her out of all of us. He pretty much ignored her existence.

"Yeah, I would have said the exact same thing if I was in her position," Rosalie added.

They continued on with their conversation about Bella throughout the rest of dinner. I of course was thinking about Bella as well, but for different reasons.

And who was this James guy? She said he was her best friend, but you never know. They looked _very_ close. And I didn't like it.

Not one little bit.

I'll have to ask her about him one day, but of course I'll subtly bring him up. Assuming that she'll talk to me. I'll also have to ask her about her eye. What happened? I wanted to suggest going to my father to check her out, but I had enough self-preservation to keep my mouth shut.

Now if I had just kept my mouth shut for the past eight years, I wouldn't be in this situation.

"Edward, good thing you have an excuse to talk to her. I wouldn't be surprised if she beat the shit out of you for trying," Rosalie said suddenly. I looked at her, bewildered, then remembered. _Her car!_

"Rosalie, you're a genius!"

"I know, but for what about this time?"

I'll say that her car's not ready yet, so I can keep talking to her. And by the time she starts to not hate me, it'll 'coincidently' be fixed.

I smirked at my new plan. There is no way I'm letting her go this time.

She's mine now.

* * *

**BPOV**

I woke up not only with James' leg draped across my body, but he was using all of the blankets too. There is no way he is ever sleeping with me again. I rolled him off of me and went on a hunt for coffee. In the kitchen I discovered that Charlie had already left for work, and there was a fresh pot on the stove.

A normal person would take a moment to relax and smile at the peace. I pouted at my loneliness and the fact that it was so quiet.

If you haven't gotten the idea already, I don't exactly have a 'library voice'. I don't even think my voice could pass as an outside voice. But maybe people like loud, obnoxious sounds. You never know.

After a few more seconds of annoying silence, my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and barely had enough self-control to not throw the phone out the kitchen window.

I mean seriously. If someone told me to stay the fuck away from them, I would do it without hesitation. I wouldn't think that meant 'call me tomorrow'. Stupid fucker.

I decided to answer it, just in case it had something to do with my car. I whimpered again. My poor baby.

"What?"

"Well good morning to you too," his annoyingly sickly-sweet voice rang from across the line. "I guess someone's not a morning person." I narrowed my eyes even though I knew no one could see.

"Did you call just to annoy my peaceful silence, or did you have anything of importance to say?" He didn't need to know that I was completely bored out of my mind.

"Not particularly."

"Adios," I said with a roll of my eyes.

"No! Wait!"

"Well then I will repeat myself: what?"

"Well I thought we should talk about the repairs to your car," he was now nervous. I swear he has split personality disorder. One minute, he's all confident and cocky, the next minute he _pretends_ to be nice, and then he's all worried and scared. Fucking weirdo.

"Talk," I said.

"Well I don't think we should do this _all _over the phone." I could tell that he was trying to be persuasive. Very suspicious.

"Email me."

"I don't think that would work very well either, I think-" I cut him off because I was pretty sure I knew what he was going to say next.

"IM me."

"No I think-"

"Write me a letter."

"That's not going to-"

"Fax something to me."

"But we should-"

"Text it."

"I don't think-"

"Try a message in a bottle."

"Please let me-"

"I heard carrier pigeons work nicely."

"Bella would you please just let me finish?" he was exasperated. When I didn't interrupt him he continued. "So I think we-"

"How about-" he cut me off with a long, deep sigh. "Sorry, I was just fucking with you that last time. Continue."

"I think we should sit down and have lunch to go over the details," he spoke so fast that I could barely understand him. I bet I know why.

"No."

"Come on Bella. You know you want to."

"No."

"Bella, we need to talk about these things."

"Los siento." Not really.

"Well I'm going to tell you what. If you ever want to see your precious _baby _again," he scoffed out the word, "You'll meet me at Forks hospital at twelve-thirty today." And then he hung up.

Son of a bitch.

* * *

**I hope you all liked it, have a nice day!**

***Revised as of July 5, 2011**

**P.S: The chapter titles have nothing to do with the actual content of the chapter, they just happen to be songs that make me smile.**


	6. The Hustle

**Hey people! Here's a new chapter, I hope you like it and I really appreciate all of the positive reviews!**

**Disclaimer: It all belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

**The Hustle- Van McCoy and the Soul City Symphony**

**BPOV**

"I swear I'm going to kill him. I'll strangle him-no I'll hang him -no I'll suffocate him with a pillow that says 'die, douche, die'! Yeah, that's right! It won't leave any fingerprints, and then we can burn the pillow."

I can't believe that douche is going to hold my car hostage until I have lunch with him. Who does that? Apparently someone who ruined my childhood and feels the need to complete what he started. I swear if he does anything to that car-

"I'll help hide the body," James said. I didn't notice the sarcastic note to his voice, because I was busy making a list of things that we would need.

I began to count off the supplies, "We'll need a pick-up truck, a shovel, disguises, and some garbage bags." Hmm, we'll probably need new identities too. I think I want my new name to be Jackie, I've always been fond of it.

"Calm down Marilyn, take a seat before you get us locked up for ten to life." He sat me down and got me a glass of orange juice. Swatting his offering away, I went straight to the liqueur cabinet. I took a swish of vodka straight from the bottle.

James shook his head at me and I responded with another big gulp. He came and tried to grab the bottle from my hands. I begrudgingly let him pry it from me after a few more tries.

"Babe, you're not even legal yet. Your Dad's a _cop _for goshness sakes," he reprimanded. I rolled my eyes.

"James you don't understand, I can't lose that car, I _love _that car. If I could I would marry that car. I would sell _you _for that car," I sighed. He huffed at my last comment. But, we both knew that I would never actually sell him for a car.

Only for the important stuff, like my whores and my crack.

"You know you don't have to lose the car," he sang condescendingly.

"You're right!" I exclaimed. I can do this the legal way! "I'll take him to court! Then that idiotic buffoon will _have _to fix my baby and give it back! Hah! How 'bout them apples!"

"Idiotic buffoon? You can't take him to court," I tried to interrupt, but he placed his hand over my mouth.

The one thing- of many- that James hates is germs, so I licked his hand. He let out a loud screech that hurt my ears. He ran to the sink and began washing his hands repeatedly. I laughed at him. He glared at me.

"But James, seriously, I'm not going to lunch with Fuckward. I just won't do it." It's one thing to see him when he's stalking me, it's another when it's planned and of somewhat free-will.

Although the free-will part is debatable.

"But you'll sell me to China for a small profit. I'm really feeling the love."

Normally I would just ignore James, but the sad look on his face made _me _sad.

Ugh stupid conscious. I think we would all do so much better without them. Serial killers and rapists would run rapid. We would all be rich because we'd steal everything and anything we need. It would be marvelous.

Anyway, I knew I had hurt his feelings, so I went up and gave him a hug. Usually I am not a big fan of the whole physical contact thing, but with James it's okay.

I guess I'm going to lunch with the devi- I mean with Edward.

* * *

I glared at James. "I am not wearing this to lunch with the enemy. Fuck, I'm _never_ wearing this," I told him stubbornly.

"Oh yes you are. I have a plan, and you aren't going to ruin it."

"What the hell do you mean you have a fucking plan? Is the plan to find me a corner and charge by the hour, because that's the impression I would get if I saw me," I huffed. I looked in the mirror. He had me in a pair of the tightest jeans I own, and a low-cut v-neck red sweater that fit me like a second skin. Oh, and let's not forget to mention the six inch boots he wanted me to put on.

"I'm changing. Sorry if I ruin your so called plan," I said, and pushed him out of the room. I peeled off the jeans and the excuse of a top. Maybe it makes me strange-er- but I'm not particularly fond of showing a room full of randoms my goodies.

I put on a pair of light-wash denim skinny jeans, a black sweater featuring the Batman sign, and a pair of black Converse. It was comfy and warm, perfect for Forks. I left my hair down in its natural curls because I didn't feel like using any extra effort. I put on a smidge of mascara and went downstairs.

I found James sitting on the kitchen counter eating an orange. His eyes narrowed at me.

"What the fuck do you think you're wearing?"

"My wedding dress. What the fuck do you think? Clothes," I scoffed.

"You can't go wearing that. You need to impress him and show off how hot you turned out."

I looked at him without blinking for a moment.

"Don't look at me like that."

I blinked a couple times. "Sorry, there was something in my eye. But I'm definitely not going to try and impress Edward Douche-Bag Cullen."

We had a glare-down for a couple of seconds, and then burst out laughing.

"What time do you have to be there?"

"At twelve-thirty." I groaned. I have to leave now. He patted my shoulder sympathetically, and then handed me the keys to the moving truck. I scowled at the keys, but grabbed them nonetheless.

All the people in this tiny town already think I'm a freak, and I doubt driving a huge moving truck will help convince them that I have a teensy bit of normality in me.

"Have fun!" James called out as I made my way to the front door. I responded with a sulky 'fuck you'.

As expected, every single person in this nosy little town stared at me during the drive. Fuckers should get a life.

Not that I can actually say that _I_ have one. I have one best friend, and my job doesn't really involve talking to people on a frequent basis. Social butterfly I am not.

I realized that I had been parked in the hospital parking lot for ten minutes, and then it occurred to me that I had no idea where exactly Douchward wanted to meet me. Fucker can't even give proper instructions when blackmailing people into having lunch with him.

My confusion was short-lived because I heard a loud knocking on the window. I screamed and then looked out to see Edward laughing at me. I discreetly flipped him the bird by using my middle finger to scratch my nose. He rolled his eyes and opened the door.

"Nice car."

"Shut the fuck up, asshole."

"I wasn't trying to be mean."

"The hell you weren't."

"Why don't we just go?"

"Fine, where are we going? You know what, I don't care, I'll just follow you. Unless you plan on taking me to the woods to murder me and then to a ditch to dispose of my remains, I'll just be leaving now." In a twisted way, I almost wished it was the latter of the two, just because it seems like it would be less tortuous.

"That's exactly my plan. Who told?"

"Nothing gets past me."

"Okay let's be serious," he said, so naturally I struck my serious pose. He let out a small chuckle. "I think we should just ride together. It's all the way in Port Angles, so it wouldn't make sense to drive separately."

"It makes perfect sense in my mind," I said, slamming the door. I heard him sigh and mumble something under his breath. I laughed…cackled.

The drive wasn't so bad. Especially since Edward would shoot me annoyed looks from his rearview mirror, and I would just smile back at him cheekily. I think I've found a new hobby.

We finally pulled up to a nice little café near a small bookstore that Charlie and I used to visit a lot when I was younger. I parked my huge truck next to Edward's little Volvo(which I have to add, received no serious damage from our accident), and laughed to myself at how stupid they looked next to each other.

I hopped out and walked over to where Edward was standing.

"Tell me again why we had to come all the way to Port Angles for a stupid business meeting. And why did we ride separately? It was such a waste of gas."

He let out an exasperated sigh, and I couldn't hold in my laughter. He glared at me, which made me laugh even harder.

"Okay okay, let's go in," I brushed past him and walked inside.

"What's with you and the Batman thing?" Edward asked as we waited to put our names down with the hostess.

"Batman's the shit. He can kick ass and he doesn't need a gun."

"Can I ask you something?"

"You can ask, I'm not going to say I'll answer…or answer honestly."

"I've noticed the resemblance of your 'baby' and the Batmobile. Did you do that on purpose?"

"No, of course not. Only a pscho would do that," I paused, "Oh wait."

Edward was about to say something, but was cut off by the hostess.

"Hello," she said in a low voice, directing it at Edward. I tried not to laugh.

"We'll need a table for two under the name Wayne," I told her. Edward shot me a weird glance and I just smiled at him.

"Okay, it'll be ten minutes. Do you need _anything_ else?" she asked, once again directing the question at Edward.

"No thank you! I'm fine," I spoke with a bright smile and a cheery voice. Edward didn't even try to suppress his chuckle at the glare on the girl's face. I turned and walked to sit on the waiting bench. Edward came and sat down beside me.

"Bruce Wayne?

"Yup," I popped the p. "Let us talk cars."

"Let's wait until we get a table," he suggested. I rolled my eyes.

"You never answered my question. Why did we have to come all the way to Port Angles for a stupid lunch business meeting?"

"I like it here."

"Wayne, party of two! Your table's ready." The hostess wasn't very subtle about the death glares she was giving me. I just grinned back at her, which made her glare harder.

People are such funny creatures.

She led us to a table in the busiest part of the restaurant. I saw Edward slip her something and she immediately took us to a more secluded area.

"So what happened to your eye?" he asked suddenly. His voice was casual, but I could see in his eyes that he was dying to know.

"My pimp got mad because I didn't get enough customers."

"Ha ha, you are so funny."

"I try."

"What really happened to your eye?" At this point he wasn't even trying to hide his curiosity.

"You're so nosy."

"No, I'm just curious."

"Whatever you say," I mumbled as I opened my menu. I went straight to the desserts and moaned out loud at the pictures. There was chocolate cake, cheesecake, ice-cream sundaes, carrot cake, cookies of the chocolate-chip variety and much more.

I looked up and Edward was staring at me.

"What?"

"You just moaned at the menu."

"And?" He shook his head and proceeded to look down at his own menu. I debated just getting dessert, but when I looked at the lunch section, I decided I'd get _both_. I smiled to myself.

"What are you getting?" Edward asked.

"I'm going to start off with mozzarella sticks, then I'm going to have the seafood pasta, then I'm going to have chocolate-chip cookies, then I'll end with a nice piece of chocolate cake. You?"

"You're going to eat all that?"

"Yes I am, and don't make fun of my eating habits, it's not cool. So what are you having?"

"I was just going to get spaghetti."

"Weakling."

"Just because I'm not ordering half the menu doesn't make me a weakling," he was indignant.

"Uh huh."

"You probably won't even eat all of it."

I let out a small chuckle. "Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, don't mess with the professionals."

"Professional?"

"I guess you've never seen me eat."

"Hello, my name's Mike, what can I start you off with?" The waiter threw me a wink in case I didn't notice how hard he was trying to make his voice sound sexy.

"First off, you could put a stop to the winking, it's not attractive. Then I would like a coke," I paused as he wrote it down, "Get your pen ready. I would like a plate of mozzarella sticks, a garden salad, the seafood pasta, some chocolate chip cookies, a piece of chocolate cake, and a piece of carrot cake." He blinked at me. "Did you get that all down?"

He just nodded and turned to Edward who ordered his spaghetti and an iced-tea. I noticed the glare that Edward was giving Mike, and apparently Mike did too, because if he walked any faster he would have been running.

"What's with the glare?" I questioned suspiciously.

"I wasn't glaring." I know I could have let the subject drop, but I didn't.

"Yes you were."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"Let's just talk about your car." This put an end to that.

"When will it be ready?"

"The mechanic I like can't work on it for a while, so it might be a couple of weeks."

"What the fuck dude."

"I'm sorry."

"Use another mechanic."

"I like this one."

"I need a car."

"I'll pay for a rental."

I glared at him. Something in his eyes didn't look right. Like he wasn't saying the complete truth. He is so fucking confusing.

"It'll have to be like mine."

"Of course Bella," he said with a triumphant smile.

"Whatever."

* * *

**Hey, I hope you liked the chapter. Review and say what you thought. Peace.**

***Revised as of July 6, 2011**

**P.S: The chapter titles have nothing to do with the actual content of the chapter, they just happen to be songs that make me smile.**


	7. Hot Stuff

**Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't really updated for a while, but I made this chapter a little longer, and I hope it slightly makes up for it. Thank you for all the positive reviews, I appreciate them.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns it all.**

* * *

**Hot Stuff- Donna Summer**

**BPOV**

I glared at his pink lips as they curled up into an evil grin. Why did I say yes? I should have told him no and then continued to wait impatiently for my mountain of food. The things we do for our babies.

"Here's the spaghetti, and here's the uh…rest," the waiter said awkwardly as he set Edward's food down. I watched in amusement as two other servers came to help bring _my _food out.

Just like earlier, Edward glared at the waiter, and he went running away. I couldn't help but laugh.

"I still say you won't be able to finish all of that by yourself," Edward stated.

"Well then it's a really good thing that I don't give a damn what you say, isn't it?"

He grunted in response.

I started to dig into my pile of goodness and moaned loudly. I looked up to see Edward watching me strangely.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Gah! You're annoying."

"Thanks. I appreciate that."

"Just telling it like it is," I shrugged.

"I know this is the billionth time I've asked, and I'm probably setting myself up by doing so again, but will you _please _tell me what happened to your eye?"

"Why do you want to know so badly?"

"I'm just curious," he said innocently.

"Curious my ass! Admit that you're nosy and I might think about telling you," I spoke with an evil smirk of my own.

"No." He sounded like a little kid who was talking back to his teacher.

"Okay then." I took a bite of my salad, and then looked up to see an annoyed Edward. I smiled smugly at him. I never realized how easy it was to mess with him.

Maybe if I had realized this sooner, I wouldn't have been run out of my home.

"Fine I'm nosy, now tell me," he said impatiently.

"You forgot the magic word," I sing-songed.

"Please."

A few moments of silence passed.

"Are you going to tell me?"

"I said I might _think _about telling you." The look in eyes was priceless. I used every ounce of the little control I contain to not burst out laughing.

"Now _that _was a Kodak moment if I've ever seen one."

"You are unbelievable."

"I try. I sit in front of the mirror everyday before I go to bed, and practice being difficult and annoying. I see all my hard work has paid off. I'm so proud," I pretended to wipe a tear off my face.

"Fine, when you finish thinking about thinking about it, let me know," he huffed.

"Sure thing," I told him, finishing off my cookies. This action made him look down at my many empty plates. Oh god, what I would do for a camera right about now.

Most people don't understand this, because I look so small, but I love food. Love isn't a strong enough word. My love for food is on the same level as my love for cars. As you can see, that is an intense kind of love. It is almost like my stomach is a bottomless pit. Name a food, and I will know the best place it is served, and the fastest way you can get it. I don't fool around with my food. When I ordered all of that food, I didn't just get it to try and prove Edward wrong…I did it so I could eat it.

"How in the hell did you eat all of that?" Edward questioned, not even trying to hide the amazement in his voice.

"Well, first I grabbed my fork, then I scooped some of it up, then I put it in my mouth, chewed, and swallowed," I spoke to him as if he was a preschooler, "I'm surprised no one taught you this earlier on. Life must have been difficult."

"You know that's not what I meant. How did you eat all of that food by yourself?"

"I told you not to mess with the professionals Edward."

* * *

**EPOV**

I stared, completely dumb-struck. There was no way that she ate all of that food. I checked under the table to make sure she didn't discreetly hide some of it underneath. I know it was kind of a ridiculous assumption, but I couldn't believe that she ate it all.

"Did you just check under the table? You think I would go as far as to put food down there just so I could prove you wrong?" Her voice was laced with humor.

'I do," I admitted, still looking around suspiciously.

"I'm not going to lie, that sounds exactly like something I would do, but I didn't today. I hate to break it you Eddie-boy, but I like to eat."

Normally I hate being called Eddie- I still do- but the way it sounded coming from her plump lips arose feelings inside my stomach. I was tempted to ask her to say it again, but quickly controlled myself.

Obsessive loser, party of one.

"Apparently," I mumbled in response.

Just then our waiter, _Mike,_ came to clear away the empty plates. I noticed him trying to be surreptitious about checking Bella out again, and glowered at him. He immediately finished gathering the dishes.

"You are so weird," Bella stated. I smiled at her.

"Is it be mean to Edward day or something? You've been picking on me since we met up."

"Well you picked on _me_ for four years, so…" Once she said this I immediately felt the familiar pang of regret.

"Bella I-" she quickly interrupted me.

"This is a business meeting. We are discussing business- along with your weirdness, but that's a minor detail- so let's not get into anything that doesn't involve my baby."

"But Bella-"

"Did I stutter?"

"No, but-"

"Am I speaking a different language?"

"No, I really think-"

"Then stop trying to talk to me about it."

"Fine." A triumphant grin spread across her face.

"So when will your precious mechanic be able to work on my baby?" she questioned. I still don't understand why she refers to her car as her 'baby'. I love my cars too, don't get me wrong. And I won't deny that I've named them Suzy and Sally, but they're _special_.

"He probably won't be able to work on it for two or three weeks," I answered, slightly distracted. I was transfixed by the lock of luscious, chocolate-brown hair that she was twirling around her finger. "Sorry," I quickly added.

"Here's your check, is there anything else I can get for you?" Mike asked, eyeing Bella. I barely held back my growl.

"Nope," she said, "We're all good."

I opened up the check, and noticed Bella reach down and grab her wallet.

"I'm not letting you pay for anything," I told her sternly.

"The hell you aren't," she scoffed, pulling out a card.

"But I asked you here," I countered. She glared at me, and it was pretty fucking adorable.

"About seventy-five percent of that meal was mine, I'm paying."

"Well I invited you, so I'm paying."

"No," she growled, slipping the card into the check. I pulled it out and handed it back to her, sliding my own card in. I then proceeded to hold it out of her reach. She glared and pouted at me.

_Too cute._

I suddenly noticed a piece of paper laying on the table. Huh, it must have fallen out. I read it and my fists clenched. I handed it to her sullenly. She scanned it, causing an evil spark to gleam in her deep, brown eyes.

"Call me, 584-4563, Mike." She laughed. But not a sweet laugh, a scary laugh. She turned to me, "You can pay."

I happily brought the check up to the hostess, and turned around to look for Bella. She was talking to the poor excuse of a boy. Her lips were curled up in a smile, and he was writing something down. I stood open mouthed. She gave _him_ her number.

She came up and smiled at me, throwing me off guard. She never smiled at me. She glared, she pouted, she smirked, and she sneered. She _never _smiled. I returned it hesitantly. My phone rang abruptly and I went to answer it, but she put her hand on my arm to stop me.

"What?" I asked curiously.

"Don't answer that."

"Why?"

"It's a telemarketer."

"What? How do you know?" This was getting weird. Why didn't she want me to answer my phone?

"I can see the future."

"Sure you can," I didn't believe her for one second. I reached down to answer it, but it stopped ringing. I heard a beep that told me I had one new message. I looked over at Bella, and she just smiled her evil Grinch-like smile.

We walked outside to our cars. Well _my_ car, and her monster moving van. I couldn't believe she would rather drive that around than accept a ride from me.

"Thanks for lunch. Call me when my car's ready." She hopped into her van, and drove away before I could say anything more.

She's up to something, I know it. I grabbed my phone and dialed voicemail.

"Hey baby," a familiar male voice said on the other line, trying to be seductive. It took me a moment to realize who it was. Mike! His dirty talk was repulsive, but the grunts were even worse.

I didn't know how he got my phone number, and I sure as hell don't know why he called to jerk-off into the phone, but he did. I didn't know what to do. Part of me wanted to go back inside and beat the shit out of him, and another part wanted to get as far away as possible.

"Ohhh, Peeedddrrrooo!" he moaned into the phone.

_What the fuck_?

This was getting weirder and weirder by the second. Why was he moaning Pedro into my phone? I just sat there for a moment listening to his moans, and then looked down onto the floor of the passenger seat.

My pig of a brother, Emmett, left all his baseba-

_Pedro!_

Bella had given this freak my phone number, knowing what would happen. I couldn't decide if I wanted to laugh or to throw up.

I chose to laugh because I didn't want to get my leather seats dirty.

* * *

**BPOV**

I cackled all the way home. Forget murdering the jerk, this was ten times better. I wish I could've seen the look on his face as he got Mitch or whatever the fuck his name was' phone call.

At the restaurant, I pulled Micah aside and told him that I thought he was hot. Of course he started flirting with me, and I begrudgingly flirted back. I then gave Miles Edward's phone number and told him to call and leave a message. Before I left I winked and told him I liked it when guys talked dirty.

I wonder what exactly Milton said to Edward. I laughed evilly again. I couldn't wait to tell James about this. I started whistling to myself giddily. I looked in my rear-view mirror, and guess who was right behind me? None other than Fuckward. My phone rang and I answered it without looking at the I.D. I already knew who it was.

"Hello!"

"Did you by any chance give our waiter my phone number? I mean, it was a nice gesture, but he's not really my type." His velvety voice was falsely sweet.

"Who? Me?" I asked innocently, "I have no idea what you are talking about Senor- I mean Edward. Care to elaborate?" I did my best to control the giggles that were threatening to escape my mouth, and I did a damn good job. Considering…

"Well I checked my voicemail, and I had a message from our waiter, Mike," he started off, but I interrupted him.

"His name was Mike?" I asked, "I thought it was Milo."

Edward of course ignored me and continued with his story, "Do you know what he was doing in this phone call?"

"He was singing _You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings_?" I guessed.

"No, he was jacking off."

"He was?" This time I didn't even try to control my giggles.

"Yes, he was! My poor ears have been traumatized. I don't think I'll ever be able to answer the phone without being scared of the moans again."

"Just call Milford, and tell him he has the wrong number, I'm sure he'll understand."

"Why would you give Mike my number?" he questioned, still using that sickly-sweet voice.

"I thought we already established that it wasn't me?" I said. "I mean, why would I give Mick your phone number?"

"That's exactly what I would like to know."

"Well I asked you first."

"I actually asked _you _first."

"When?"

"Right when I- never mind. Admit it, or I'm going to give Mike _your _number," he threatened.

"I did it." And then I hung up so I wouldn't have to hear him brag about me submitting to him.

He honked his horn. I stuck my hand out and flipped him off.

Douche Bag.

* * *

"So let me get this straight. You gave your waiter, Mitchell, Eddie's phone number. And then he left a porno message on it?" James asked.

"Yes," I giggled. James started cracking up like I knew he would, and we were rolling around on the floor, laughing our empty heads off.

"Did you take a picture? Oh please tell me you took a picture!" he cried out.

"I would have! But I didn't have a camera," I pouted.

"Oh well, that story is still hilarious. I wish I could've seen his face. What was it like?" he asked excitedly.

"I left before he could suspect I did anything. He knew though."

James and I were sitting in the living room, watching a movie on Lifetime. I don't care what anyone says, Lifetime has the best movies. Okay, maybe not the _best_. But I take great enjoyment out of yelling at the T.V. and telling the horrible actors to open different doors. We were currently watching one starring Tori Spelling, where she had this creepy obsessive boyfriend who killed his ex-girlfriend-of-a-week and her crush. I think the people who write these things are fucking insane.

"What are we doing today?" I yawned.

"I set up an appointment with a realtor, her name's Victoria. She's really cool, if I wasn't gay I would totally do her," he answered.

"Cool, what time?"

"At about four," he replied. "We're meeting her at a small diner. I forgot the name of it, but she gave me the directions. We should actually be on our way."

Our moving truck was sitting in the street, completely visible and ostentatious.

"So when is he going to get you the rental car? We need to at least _attempt_ to look normal," he sighed.

"I don't know, but it better be soon."

We argued about what kind of rental car I should get. He wanted me to get a little red convertible, and I wanted my shiny, fast, black car.

When we reached the small diner, I easily recognized it. Charlie and I used to go there all the time. Neither of us were that great of cooks.

I used to love their apple pie…and the peach, and the chocolate cake, and the burgers, and…okay I used to love everything.

Once I parked, James practically flew to a silver BMW. Standing against the hood was a beautiful woman, who looked to be in about her late-twenties or early-thirties. She had curly, wild, red hair that was blowing in the wind. If it were me, I would have looked like Cousin It, but she worked it. She had bright green eyes, and pretty pale skin.

She seemed friendly, but I knew right away that she wasn't one to be fucked with.

"Hey, I'm Bella," I grinned.

"I'm Victoria," she smiled, "And you must be James."

"Yes Ma'am."

"Well you have said you want an apartment with two master-bedrooms, somewhere in the Forks\Port-Angles area, correct?" We both nodded our heads. "Okay, let's get started."

In the next hour we hopped from one shitty apartment to the next. Victoria had grown on me deeply, she can keep up with my and James' banter. Anyone who can do that is okay in my book.

"Okay guys, I have one last apartment to show you. Let's hope it's good because _some_ people are picky, and can't decide between perfectly good choices."

"Maybe it's the realtor, she should have given us better options," James teased.

"I don't appreciate being mocked. Stop it."

We were riding in her car, and I was now contemplating making the Senor rent me a similar one.

We finally reached a huge brick building. It was in a nice neighborhood, about five minutes walking distance from a bunch of great restaurants. So far so good.

The apartment was on the fourth floor, and the elevator was located almost directly next to it.

Another brownie point.

The moment we stepped inside I knew it was perfect. The door opened up to the living room, which was painted a burnt orange. Another advantage, was it already being furnished. What immediately caught my attention was the dark-brown, leather couch. Instead of a coffee table, there was a huge footrest in front of the couch, and two little end tables on the side. There was a big silver T.V. sitting on a stand that matched the end tables. Finally, there was a tall lamp that was sitting next to a big glass window.

The kitchen was small, but nice. It's not like we actually use it much. There was a half-bathroom, and then full bathrooms in each of the bedrooms. James went into what would be his room, and I went into what would be mine.

It was emerald green, and had a huge iron bed. That's what did it for me. The bed. After I saw that bed I knew I wouldn't need to look at everything else. That bed makes up for anything that might be a problem. I walked out to search for Victoria and James.

"We'll take it," James and I declared in unison.

"Finally, now let's go celebrate with a piece of strawberry cheesecake. I know the best place in town," she stated happily.

"Amen to that."

But trust the situation to go wrong.

"Bella! James!" Edward and Jasper called.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me. Please tell me that you two are just visiting."

"No, we share an apartment here," Jasper smiled, his voice calm.

"What are you doing here?" Edward wanted to know.

"Well we were looking for apartments, but we still have a few more to go to," I answered before James could. I felt him pinch my arm.

"What the fuck are you talking about Bella?"

"We still have a few more to look at."

"No we don't."

"Yes we do."

"Nope."

"Yup."

"What about the bed?"

"I'll find a new bed."

"So you two are moving here?" Jasper interrupted our quarrel.

"Think about all the pranks, we know where they live now," James whispered to me so quietly that I had to strain my ears to get the main gist of it.

I sighed, "I suppose we are."

* * *

**I hope you liked it, review and tell me what you thought. Thanks for reading, Adios.**

***Revised as of July 7, 2011**

**P.S: The chapter titles have nothing to do with the actual content of the chapter, they just happen to be songs that make me smile.**


	8. Build Me Up Buttercup

**Hey everyone! I know I haven't updated for a while, and then I lied and told you I would update yesterday, but I am truly sorry. I really appreciate the positive feedback, and all of you for reading my story. I also wanted to say that I was thinking of writing the whole restaurant scene from Mitch's P.O.V. Tell me if you think that would be cool. I was in a hurry to post this chapter, so there may be a lot of mistakes. For that, I apologize.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

**Build Me Up Buttercup- The Foundations**

**BPOV**

"Why do you build me up? _Build me up!_ Buttercup baby, just to let me down!"

I was on my way back to the new apartment, and it'd be the first time since we signed the lease. James had returned on numerous occasions, but I refused in fear of encountering the Senor.

Call me a coward. I'll be the first to agree with you.

I arrived, immediately spotting James impatiently tapping his foot on the sidewalk.

"I'm pretty sure that I told you to be here at 9:30. And do you know what time it is? It's 9:45. You better have a damn good reason for being fifteen minutes late."

I held up his usual ice-coffee. That quickly shut him up, and we walked the first steps to our official new home. All negative aspects aside- cough, Edward, cough- it was pretty fucking cool. There was even a pool and a gym! Not that I would be putting either to use. I don't think it's been warm enough to swim since '98, and I laugh at the thought of attending a gym.

"I think you'll like what I bought for your bedroom. I kept it _simple_," he spat the word like it physically pained him to say it.

"You don't sound too happy about it," I smiled sweetly.

"Could I please just add a _little _something? Just to spice it up a bit?" he desperately pleaded, "Bella, you are probably the most boring interesting person I've ever met."

"Did that make sense in your head?"

"For having such a quick mouth, you're very boring."

"Let's just go see what damage you've caused," I stated, while he huffed behind me.

Once we reached the apartment, James stepped in front of me to block my way. He produced a silky red scarf.

"What the fuck?"

"I'm blind-folding you," he declared.

"Kinky."

"Bitch."

"You know you like it." I tried to push past him, but he wouldn't budge. "James, let's just go in!" He pouted his bottom lip out, so I begrudgingly turned around. He squealed and had the scarf wrapped around my head within seconds. I flipped off his general area.

"Very nice," a velvety voice I had grown to cringe at echoed. Shit. I backed up into James' familiar body.

Being blindfolded shot feelings of vulnerability throughout my body. I didn't like it.

Suddenly, visions of him viciously murdering James and kidnapping me filled my mind.

_-Daydream-_

_I pulled down the blindfold to see the Senor smiling a devil-like smile. _

"_Bye James, have a nice 'trip'!" he cackled a crazy villain cackle, and then shoved James down violently. I watched on, horrified, as my best friend fell into the empty elevator shaft._

"_Gasp!" I shouted. "James! I'll find help! Don't die on me now. You survived the war in 'Nam, you can survive this too!" I looked around for any sign of assistance._

"_No Bellsie! Save yourself!" his voice was weak, and faded away at the end. I decided to make up for all the times that I was a bitch to him, by completing his last dying request. I'm clearly so selfless._

_Yeah fucking right. I just didn't want to end up with the same fate. I wouldn't stand in front of any elevators like that fool did. _

_And no open windows for me either. _

_I felt the Senor grab at me, but ducked away. We played this little game until he was able to grasp me by the waist. Once I was turned over to face him, I side-kicked his head with all the strength I possess. He staggered backwards, giving me enough time to escape. I dashed down the hallway\maze as fast as my legs would allow._

_It didn't seem like I was getting anywhere though, and it pissed me off. _

_Shit- he was behind me._

"_I'll get you my freaky, and your little baby too! Ah ha ha!" he yelled, sounding uncannily like the evil witch from "The Wizard of Oz". _

_That set me off. _

"_Oh _hell _no, son!"_

_The next few minutes were a blur, but I know for a fact that Ralph Macchio would have been proud. I had the Senor on the floor, with my foot on his chest and a triumphant smile on my face. _

"_Not today douche bag," I said, shaking my head down at him, "Not today."_

_-End Daydream-_

"What?" both Edward and James asked in confusion.

"Huh?"

"You said, 'not today douche bag, not today'," James responded.

"No I didn't," I asserted, trying to hide the traitor blush that spread across my cheeks. Next time I have an incredible daydream where I kick some major ass, I'll have to remember not to dream-talk.

"So…see you…whenever," I muttered, quickly pulling James away from the elevator. You can never be too safe.

"Bella."

"What James?"

"This kind of hurts," he grunted, gently pulling my constricting hand off him. "And we're going in the wrong direction."

* * *

Sometimes I really hate horror movies. The awful actors always open the door that the killer is so _obviously _hiding out in. And they always lock themselves in the one room that allows the killer access, but gives them no room for escape. Or when they think the killer is dead, so they don't bother picking up the loaded gun that's laying within reach.

If I was in a horror movie, I would kick _ass_. I would shoot the killer so many times he'd look like Spongebob. The job would be done thoroughly, so he couldn't come after me ten years later. I would remove any guns, knives, forks, or weapons from his reach. And if he still wasn't dead by the time the police were on their way, I would remind him over and over again how someone would make him their bitch in prison.

I'd make a wonderful victim.

"Bella, are you still upset about that stupid movie? Get the fuck over it," James rolled his eyes.

"I _am _over it!" It's the stupid directors, they're the ones who ruin everything.

"You've been pouting all day. And you have that crazy look in your eye."

"I'm hungry." My stomach growled at the same time as I spoke.

"Okay, let's feed the machine."

"Let's have a movie marathon, to celebrate our first night in the new apartment," I suggested.

It irritates me to admit, James not only did a phenomenal job with the entire apartment, but with my bedroom as well. He kept much of it the same, but added personal touches.

The walls stayed the beautiful shade of emerald-green, and the carpet was thick and colored chocolate-brown. An abstract painting from a recent trip to San Francisco was hanging above my fabulous bed. A dark, wooden desk had been moved in, and above it hung an assortment of framed photos. Most of the pictures were of James and I, some with Charlie, and a couple featuring Renee.

An unnecessarily large television sat on a silver T.V. stand, with a _very _necessarily-large bookshelf next to it. A dresser(made out of the same wood as the desk), and a tall lamp were added in as well. James picked out a cream-colored comforter, with a pretty quilt that matched the carpet. Two large pillows and countless throw-pillows were set up intricately at the headboard.

Very nice indeed.

"Which movie?" I asked, referring to our movie night.

"I'm in the mood for a classic," James stated before ordering the pizza. I pulled out _Fast Times At Ridgemont High. _

"It'll be here in forty minutes, it's a busy night," James pouted.

"Let's go get our sweets while we wait," I said.

"Sweets? But I'm already here."

"I was so distracted by the enticing humor and cleverness of that comment, that I forgot to laugh."

"Wise ass." He tried to hide his smile.

"I'm sorry, I know you hate it when I insult you with words you don't know," I winked.

"If anyone else said that I'd have been offended, but it's you so…"

"Let's go," I mumbled angrily, causing James to chuckle at my expense.

During the elevator ride down and the walk to the car, I managed to casually flip him off six times. That's a fucking record. I should be given a medal or a trophy or something.

We hopped in the moving truck and searched for the closest grocery store we could find. We linked arms and skipped inside, all hostility gone. We were _clearly _the cool kids in school.

I think that's the funniest joke I've ever made.

"I want those sugar-cookies with the frosting on top!" James exclaimed.

"I want some cheesecake." I eyed the delicious looking dessert sitting on a decorative platter.

"We need ice-cream and things to make smoothies too," James murmured to himself, making a list in his head. I was about to grab a bag of animal cookies, when I bumped into someone.

"Ugh! You should really watch where you're going!" A nasally voice yelled.

"Dude, it's not that big of a deal. You'll survive," I told our new friend, looking her in the eye. I cocked my head to the side, wondering where I recognized her from.

"Bella-Weirdo-Swan. What an unfortunate surprise."

I frowned.

Lauren Mallory believed herself to be the Heidi Klum of Forks, Washington. _I _believed her to be the Heidi Montag of Forks, Washington. She dyed her frizzy hair blond and wore clothes that put prostitutes to shame. All through school she claimed to be best friends with the Cullen and Hale's, but they avoided her like a bad case of herpes.

I guess working incredibly hard at making someone's life miserable -ahem- doesn't leave much time to hang out with the town whore.

Anyway- now here she was…a plastic surgeon's wet dream.

I felt James tense beside me. One thing that makes our relationship 'special', is our ability to joke around freely without risking offense. However, all bets are off the moment an outsider meaning harm steps in. Separately, we could verbally abuse someone to tears in seconds, but _together_…poor Lauren doesn't know what she just got herself into.

"Oh hey Lauren. Long time no see. But you know what they say, all good things must come to an end."

"Such a shame, you are actually kind of pretty. You could have hung with us, too bad you had to run back to mommy like a little loser." After her intelligent remark, she proceeded to flash me the loser sign.

"First of all Jocelyn Wildenstein, you did the loser sign wrong." God help the slut, James was going into bitch-mode. "And Bella-Weirdo-Swan? I wish that was clever, because wit is obviously the only thing you could possibly have left. You're disgustingly unattractive, obnoxiously idiotic, and have a hideous sense of fashion. You are the most intolerable waste of a human being I've ever had the displeasure of meeting."

She looked affronted, "Hey! I worked really hard on that line, it took me a whole three hours to come up with! And take all of that back!" she ordered.

"How about you go swallow a pen?" I suggested, "Everyone knows how you love to swallow."

"How about you shut your face?" Jocelyn sneered at me.

"Because that's physically possible and everything," James quipped.

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"No, of course he isn't."

"Hey-" she started, but James cut her off.

"Could you not talk? Your whiny, high-pitched voice hurts my ears."

"It's not my fault! After my forth nose job my nasal passageways closed up!"

We couldn't stop the laughter from enveloping us. "Four?" I asked between my giggles.

"If they didn't get it right the first three times, why would you want to do it _again_?" James asked, still laughing.

"Well- well- screw you!"

"If I wanted to get Chlamydia, then you would be the first person I'd call...or rent," I added.

Tears began to gather in her eyes. With a flip of her hair she departed.

James and I shared a look, pouting.

"It's much more fun to double-team someone when they can fight back," James sighed.

"I know James. We're too clever for our own good."

"Story of our lives Bells, story of our lives," he murmured sadly.

* * *

James and I were currently sitting on our comfy couch, wearing our movie sweats, surrounded by blankets and loads of junk food. We had everything we would need within reach, because we're lazy fuckers.

I say, that as long as you openly admit you're lazy, it's okay.

We had turned off the lights, and were about to press play when the doorbell rang. We wordlessly held our hands out to play rock-paper-scissors.

"Cheater," I mumbled under my breath as I got up to answer the annoying ringing. James smiled smugly at me.

I opened the door to find an unknown kid holding a set of car keys and a black envelop that had _Bella _written across in gorgeous handwriting.

"Hello," I greeted, staring at the envelop curiously. When he didn't respond, I looked up to notice his eyes raking over my body hungrily. To put it nicely, he was the fat man_,_ and I was a piece of double chocolate mocha fudge cake.

"Could you stop raping me with your eyes? It's a bit creepy."

His face flushed and he handed me the items, "I was sent to give these to you by an Edward Cullen." He quickly left, seeming almost _scared._

I may be a smartass, but it's not like he couldn't take me in a fist fight if it really came down to it.

I opened up the envelope.

_Look outside._

I walked over to the window, with James right behind me. Both our jaws dropped.

Sitting on a beautiful, tiny, shiny, black sports-car was Edward. He smirked up at me from the car. Was this for _me_? My phone rang, and I answered already knowing the caller was Edward.

"Is that for me?" I asked, hoping the answer was a 'fuck yes'.

"Yes." Close enough. "I think this deserves a great big thank you." He was very satisfied with himself.

"Sucks to be you then."

* * *

***Revised as of July 9, 2011**

**P.S: The chapter titles have nothing to do with the actual content of the chapter, they just happen to be songs that make me smile.**


	9. Stacy's Mom

**Hey everyone! Thank you for all the positive feedback, and I hope you enjoy this chapter. I'd also like to say that my jokes are meant for humor, not to be offensive, so I'm sorry if you **_**do **_**take offense.** **On another note, I was wondering if any of you would want the restaurant scene from Mike's P.O.V. I thought it might be cool to have it, but if you don't want it then I won't write it. Here we go.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

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**Stacy's Mom- Fountains of Wayne**

**BPOV**

"Bellsie, wake up!" James' voice resembled a blow-horn. I rolled over, smacked him, then laid back down. My soft pillow became a makeshift shield.

"Bella, if you don't get your lazy ass up this second, I swear I'll get the bucket. Don't test me bitch," he growled.

Fuck- not the bucket.

"Calm down Cujo! I'm up, I'm up," I mumbled hurriedly.

"Bella, you take disgustingly long showers and we have to get to the doctor's office by eleven. If we're late they'll give up the time-slot! Besides, we really need to get your Crabs under control."

James scheduled a doctor's appointment today. For some irrational reason, doctors strike fear into his heart, so he begged me to accompany him for backup. I'm still not exactly sure what he meant by 'backup', but with James it's safer not to ask.

"Now up!"

A little under an hour later we were dressed. I wore a pair of skinny jeans, my usual beat-up Converse, and a 'trendy' flannel with my hair thrown up in a sloppy bun. James wore a navy-blue sweater with designer jeans and expensive loafers.

"You ready?"

"To rescue you from the horrors of the doctor's office? Of course."

"Rescue me? Please Bella, we both know that no one in their right mind would put money on _you _in a fight. I'm only bringing you along incase the doctors go crazy. They can take you first, and that'll give me enough time to escape."

"Now this is what I call friendship." We linked arms and began our journey.

As we walked past all the white doors, I came to the realization that any one of them could belong to Assward. The pranks are endless!

James was uninterested by my inner glee, so he paid me no attention. However fucked up it is, he's used to seeing me chuckling evilly to myself.

We entered my brand new Batmobile and headed towards-

"Where are we going?" I questioned.

"What the fuck have we been talking about for the past two hours?"

"Which doctor's office?" I sighed impatiently.

"The one in Spoons," he grinned. My brows furrowed in confusion.

"I prefer to use spoons over forks." He told me this as if I should've already known.

"So because you have OCD and favor kitchen utensils, you've decided it's okay to change the name of an established town?"

"Yes," he stated simply.

"I knew I became best friends with you for a reason."

I parked in the extremely familiar lot, smiling at my memories.

There's a great possibility that James will have Carlisle Cullen as his doctor. Actually no- I am one-hundred percent sure that James will have Carlisle Cullen as his doctor. If I know James, then he made sure he had the best damned doctor in town, and Dr. Cullen is hands down the best.

I know it may seem like a crazy concept, but there _is _someone in the Cullen family who I don't hate with a passion. Actually there are _two _someones. Technically three- if you count the family dog, but that's beside the point.

Carlisle and Esme Cullen are two of the most- if not _the_ most- selfless and compassionate people I have ever met. They are genuinely _good._ It's an enigma to me how these kind people conceived such asshole children.

You see, I have an illness. I prefer to call it I.S.C.M.A.A.S., or the Inability to Stably Complete Active Motions of Any Sort. The haters refer to it as 'Klutzamania'. Anyway, as a child I visited the hospital weekly to be healed from my myriad of injuries. After every meeting, Dr. C. presented me with a freshly baked pastry, courtesy of the lovely Esme.

Am I the only one who sees the irony in the fact that I was Carlisle and Esme's favorite, while simultaneously being Emmett, Edward, and Alice's _least_ favorite?

The reception area was deliciously warm as we entered.

"Hello, my name is James Sangsue and I'm here for an eleven o'clock appointment." James spoke to the receptionist in his infamous 'fuck off' voice. It worked like a charm, because she immediately stopped shoving her cleavage at him and typed his name into the computer.

Sangsue is French for leech, and James loved it. Most people would hate being named 'James Leech', but he owned that shit. Especially since he's recently gained an unhealthy obsession with vampires.

"You'll be seeing Dr. Cullen today. You can head right up, he's in room-" I pulled a perplexed James away before she finished her sentence.

"Me and Dr. C. are like this," I said, crossing my fingers for the visual.

"Yeah, he was probably the one who prescribed all of the meds to keep you off of the crazy train, huh?" James asked.

"I'm not crazy," I told him indignantly. "My therapist calls me special!"

James laughed and threw an arm over my shoulder, "Bells, are you sure it wasn't the voices again?"

The elevator stopped, and out walked the evil little pixie- A.K.A. Alice. I wanted to groan out in frustration. Why can't they just leave me alone? God hates me.

Maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but _come on_.

"Bella! James!" She bounced over and wrapped her arms around us tightly. The strength she used could put a Boa Constructor to shame.

"Uh…hey." I just kind of stood there, letting her squeeze. James patted her back awkwardly. The look on his face would have sent me into a fit of hysterics if I had the breath to laugh.

"James has an appointment right now, so if you would kindly remove your bars- I mean arms- it'd be greatly appreciated," I said, letting her know it was time to release our innocent torsos.

"Oh, I'll let you two go now! But we really need to do lunch sometime. I know you're in the boys' building now, so I'm sure we'll be seeing a lot more of each other," her voice was joyful, and it annoyed the crap out of me.

Getting annoyed when people are happy isn't fucked up at all.

"See you later!" Alice sang out.

We waved as she pranced towards the entrance, and then let out deep sighs once safely inside the elevator.

"She's scary," James muttered.

"Indeed, James, indeed."

"And you have to go out to lunch with her," he declared, a note of horror in his normally arrogant voice.

"The hell I do!"

Upon stepping onto the busy floor, I recognized the same doctors and nurses I grew up with. Almost nothing had changed.

I led James towards room 401, revealing Dr. C in all his glory.

Don't get me wrong, I cringe at the notion of having any sort of romantic feelings for Dr. C. He's like an '_insert your favorite older male relative or authority figure here'_ to me. But there's one thing that no one can deny: if Doctor Cullen was a drug, every female in the world would need intensive rehab.

Let's just say he _inspired_ the name Dr. McDreamy.

"Hello, James?" His voice was friendly, but he hadn't looked up from the clipboard in his hands yet.

"Miss me Dr. C?"

Realization filled his blue eyes and his smile was blindingly bright.

"Bella Swan! How are you dear? Visiting Charlie?" He asked, pulling me into a tight hug.

"Nah sorry, the greater Washington area is stuck with me until someone finally decides to make the world a better place and off me," I grinned and spoke again, "How are you? And Esme? What's going on with the two greatest love birds of today's generation?"

"Ah Bella, Forks sure has missed you. Honestly, I haven't had much to do since you left," he smirked, "Esme and I are doing wonderfully. We were recently able to take a relaxing vacation in the Bahamas after finally getting rid of those troublemakers we call kids." We shared a laugh.

Well _he _laughed…I kind of whimpered. Dr. Cullen was able to get rid of them, and they were his own children. I have no relation to them, and they appear everywhere I turn.

I heard a 'subtle' cough from behind me.

"And this is a homeless man I helped out once," I nodded my head in James' direction, "He just won't go away."

"She's kidding. I'm the one who usually bails her out of jail."

"I take it you two are friends?" Carlizzle asked, chuckling at our banter.

We smiled and responded in unison, "The best kind." He gave us another indulgent smile before turning back to his clipboard. "James, I understand that you're here just so we can get comfortable with each other. Correct?" James nodded

We spent the next forty-five minutes chatting. I discovered that Alice was currently enrolled in a fancy fashion school, while Emmett and Edward both attend an _especially _fancy business university. I won't lie, I was kind of impressed. Maybe even a little jealous.

Stupid smart kids.

"What now?" I asked James. It was early and we had nothing to do.

"We could go make fun of a movie," he suggested.

"I heard there's a new one out about this crazy chick who's obsessed with some dude," I offered.

"Perfect."

James plugged in his ipod and we jammed along to some oldies all the way back to Port Angles. One of the many things that James and I have in common is our love for old music.

I pulled into the theater parking lot, and it was surprisingly packed. When you say Port Angles is bigger than Forks, it's like saying one midget is taller than another one. That may be true, but at the end of the day they're still midgets.

"How many people can this tiny movie theater hold?" James was bewildered.

I eyed the long line and groaned. "James, you create a distraction, then I'll slowly but surely slide to the front."

"Got it. I'll run around singing _Grease Lightening_."

I nodded my head approvingly, "Gets them every time."

We dragged our feet to the end of the line.

"I'm bored," James frowned.

I nodded my head in agreement, "Want to play a game?" So we, like the mature adults we are not, played Patty Cake.

"Fancy meeting you here!" an irritatingly familiar voice called from behind us.

I couldn't contain the twitch that overcame my left eye.

"Stalkers," I mumbled under my breath, turning around. The whole Cullen\Hale bunch stood before me with big grins on their faces.

I need a fucking restraining order.

"Hello," James greeted politely, and they all turned their beams to him.

"What are you guys seeing?" happy little Alice asked, bouncing in place.

"Whatever you're _not_ seeing," I mumbled. Rosalie chuckled.

I spoke again with a sweet smile, "We're seeing the one with the crazy chick who just won't leave this poor guy _alone,_ no matter how many times he tells her to just _fuck-off_." In my peripheral vision, I noticed James trying not to laugh. "And you guys?"

Jasper cleared his throat awkwardly, "The same thing."

"We should all sit together!" Emmett boomed. "And then we can throw spit balls at the people in front of us!"

How about we don't sit together, and I throw spit balls at _you._

"I don't think Bella would like that very much," Edward chuckled.

"I cannot tell a lie." They laughed at my 'joke'.

"I want ice-cream," Emmett declared after a few seconds, and they all rolled their eyes. He pouted. I wanted to laugh because the pout looked incredibly out of place, but at the same time he worked it. _I _would have given in.

If I didn't know him that is.

"I'm kind of in the mood for ice-cream too," Alice said. The rest nodded, resembling bobble-heads.

"We'll hold your spots," James offered. They all looked like they wanted to build a shrine to him. At that moment in time, I could relate. Who would want to leave the fate of their ice cream to anyone but themselves?

Alice and Emmett chirped, "Thank you!"

"Do you guys want some ice cream?" Emmett asked. James and I shook our heads.

As they walked away, I could still hear them talking.

"Something tells me they're not going to save our spots," Rosalie announced.

Jasper scoffed, "I never thought they would."

"Of course they will!" Emmett affirmed.

"Yeah, they said they would," Alice's voice was firm.

Edward spoke in more of a sigh, "You never know."

I turned to James as soon as they were out of earshot. "Are we going to save their space?"

"Nah."

Before I knew it, we were next in line. The Calles(Cullen\Hales) had not yet returned, and the line behind us stretched a mile long. We had just finished paying when the Calles appeared.

"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing!" Some lady yelled.

The lady was rather…um…_round_. She reminded me of a beach ball.

"Oh! James and Bella," Alice pointed us out, "Were saving our spots."

"I don't care who was saving your spots! You will wait in the back of the line like the rest of us!" The beach ball's face was purple in rage.

"Listen lady, stop yelling and let us buy our tickets," Emmett told the ball. He tried stepping to the window and she shoved him out of her way.

A huge guy- with a size rivaling Emmett's- emerged. His black hair was cut short, and his dark-brown eyes weren't extremely friendly. He was wearing black pants, black boots, a black shirt, and black sunglasses. 'Security'was written on the back of his jacket.

"Is there a problem here?" he questioned, darting his eyes between the beach ball and the Calles.

"These punks think that they can just cut to the front of the line while the rest of us wait like good citizens!" The ball screeched.

"We were already here!" shouted Alice. The security guard looked a bit frightened, but I couldn't blame to poor man.

"No they weren't! They came out of nowhere claiming that someone was saving their spots!" the ball retaliated.

With a growl, Emmett pointed me and James out, "Bella and James were saving our spots while we went to go get ice cream."

Everyone turned to me and James.

"Excuse me, they seem to believe you two were saving them a space. Is this true?" the security guard asked.

With absolutely no hesitation, I responded, "I've never met any of them before in my life."

James crinkled his eyebrows in confusion, "And my name's Jeff."

We walked into the theater, leaving a satisfied beach ball and some angry Calles behind us. Once out of sight we high-fived, and immediately went to order our normal mountain.

Life is good.

* * *

I was _not _content.

It was raining. Not a little sprinkle, but full out _pouring_. Literally every person I came across was soaked- umbrella or no umbrella. I normally love the wind, gloominess, and cold that rain brings. Today though, I was wearing a thin flannel.

And there was no umbrella for me.

I turned on my cell phone to see a text from the Senor.

_Emmett wishes you a sarcastic 'thanks'. He's currently pouting because the security guard had to escort him to our car._

I laughed and quickly typed up my response.

_Send him a sarcastic 'your welcome'._

But what I really wanted to say, was that payback's a bitch. By the name of Bella. Or Pedro. Either one works fine for me.

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**Well I hope you liked it. Don't be afraid to ask any questions if you have any, I'll gladly answer them. Tell me if you hated it. I hope you guys like the leech thing.**

**-Peace**

***Revised as of July 17, 2011**

**P.S: The chapter titles have nothing to do with the actual content of the chapter, they just happen to be songs that make me smile.**


	10. Rock the Boat

**Hey everyone! Sorry, I know I haven't updated for a long time, but I've been busy with school and real life. Thanks for all the reviews and such, they really make my day.**

**A few of you had questions, so here are the answers. Someone asked how often I update: I try to update every other week, sometimes sooner, sometimes later, it just depends on how busy I am. Another question was if Eddie and Pedro will end up together: I really don't know when, because I don't have an outline for this story, but they will definitely end up together. I want to give Bella a little time to hash out all of her hostility, but I'm a sucker for ExB.**

**That's all for now, enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

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**Rock the Boat- Hues Corporation**

**BPOV**

I was laying on my cushy bed, typing furiously into the sleek black laptop I have owned since I was fourteen. A sudden burst of genius had just popped into my head, and I _needed_ to write it down. I can honestly say that I didn't give a shit that I was clad in only a towel with shampoo still in my hair.

But then again, I rarely give a shit.

I was happily singing to myself in the shower, when the perfect idea came to me. I was especially happy, because I had been stuck on this part for a while and had been considering removing the whole thing altogether. I was not fond of that option as I find this section rather amusing, but my dilemma has now been solved. All is right in my crazy world.

And here I go again, rambling on and on about something that no one particularly wants to hear.

James is working right now. I apologize for not explaining what he does sooner, but I had more pressing issues to attend to. Like meeting with my editors and publishers to talk about my next book. And setting up more things in our apartment to make it homey.

Or if I'm being completely honest, watching "So You Think You Can Dance" and cringing when I see someone do abnormal split things with their legs.

Sorry, there's that rambling thing again.

James is a hot shot hairdresser. He works at some snobby salon that doesn't allow the common folk such as myself inside. I'd say the name, but it's French and I can't pronounce it.

A sudden knock from the front door interrupted my thoughts. I exited my room and eyed the door suspiciously. Who could it be? I ran through all of the possibilities, only coming up with Charlie and…well that's about it. James and I don't really have any other friends.

I wonder why?

I ran to my room and grabbed a midnight-blue robe. The knocking still hadn't subsided, and it was starting to annoy me. I mean, knock a couple of times, and then wait patiently for your victim to answer. Don't be a fucking nuisance. It's just not cool.

"Patience is a virtue," I grumbled as I opened the door. Upon seeing my visitor, I tried to close it again, but he quickly stopped my effort with a smirk. Arrogant asshole.

"I thought this went without saying- well, I actually _did _say it in simple and uncomplicated terms. But since apparently you and the rest of the Calles just don't understand, I'll rephrase it. You aren't welcome here. _Ever,_" I declared, and tried to close the door.

The fucker blocked my attempts _again_.

"I came here to talk about the Batmobile," Edward stated sweetly, and I knew he was trying to butter me up by calling it the Batmobile. It'll take a lot more than that.

"And you didn't just call, why?"

With a shrug he said, "The mechanic that I wanted is having some personal issues at home, so he's taking time off. The car won't be ready for a another couple of weeks."

I rolled my eyes. "This all could've been said over the phone." An unexpectedly relieved expression crossed his face, but he composed himself before I had the chance to comment.

"Well then I wouldn't have the pleasure of seeing you," he smirked.

"Yeah, it's a real pleasure," I grumbled.

"Aren't you going to invite me in?" he asked.

"Um…no."

He rolled his eyes, "That's impolite Bella, come on, use your manners."

"I have to finish my shower," I glared at him. He quirked an eyebrow, so I began to explain.

"I got an idea for my book while I was taking a shower, and I didn't want to forget it, so I got out and wrote it down, and then you came pounding viciously on my defenseless door." He nodded his head in understanding.

"What does Calles mean?"

"That was a bit random."

"Earlier you said Calles, what does it mean?"

"It's a lot easier to say Calles, rather than the Cullen's and the Hale's," I told him.

"Ah."

"Yeah, so if you're done gawking at my legs, you can leave."

He shrugged. "They're nice legs." Five long seconds later he entered the elevator, having the courtesy to throw me a wink before the doors closed.

Good Lord- he's a bipolar motherfucker.

* * *

I was once again laying on my stomach, doing some work on my book. I know you probably find it shocking that I'm actually working instead of planning different ways to fuck with the Calles. But, I _do_ have to pay for James' male prostitutes some way.

My hungry stomach made its presence known, so I closed up shop.

I looked in the mirror. It was one of those bright and sunny days that most people assumed were extinct in this part of the country. In the sun's twisted game of hide and seek, it prefers to hide.

Taking advantage of the weather, I wore a jean miniskirt, a white batman tee-shirt, and a pair of lace-up vans. My hair was down in it's usual waves\curls, and was kind of messy due to my continual assault.

I picked up my oversized purse along with a pair of sunglasses, and headed out. I made my way to the elevator and patiently- cough- pressed the down button. It seemed like it was taking longer than usual, and it bugged me. I contemplated taking the stairs, but out of pure laziness decided against it.

The doors opened to reveal a really tall guy. I will only say that he's tall, because the rest of his features aren't really worth mentioning. He looked really nervous and- for lack of a better word- frazzled.

I know a decent human being would have asked him if he was okay, but I'm me and am unashamed to admit that I hummed the tune to _Grease Lightening _as I waited to land on my designated floor.

"Do you have any siblings?" he asked suddenly.

"Huh? Oh, no, I don't have any siblings."

Normally I would have told him to fuck off, but something about him reminded me of a lost and somewhat pathetic puppy-dog. Even _I_ wouldn't be mean to a puppy. I figured I would do my good deed of the year, and be nice. Besides, he seems like a crier.

"Dude, you're a fucking mess. What's up?" I _tried _to be nice, and that's all that matters.

"My brother and sister think I'm gay! Just because I don't go out on dates!"

"Are you?" I asked.

"No!" he shouted, pinching the bridge of his nose. This reminds me of someone.

"Sorry," I said, and patted his arm awkwardly.

"It's okay. You wouldn't know how it feels. You're one of the hottest girls I've ever seen, you probably have guys all over you," he muttered sadly. I didn't really know how to respond, so I continued to pet him.

"So, Jolly Green Giant, what's your name?"

"Louis McHale," he sniffed. _Shit_- I'm not good with tears.

"Well I'm going to call you McGiant," I told him, earning a chuckle.

For some unknown reason, I liked this guy. I guess it was the puppy-dog thing he had going for him. I'm such a fucking softy.

"I'm Bella Swan, and I've decided I like you. My best friend is all into the makeover shit, and he'll help you out. He's the best, and by the time he's done with you, you'll have girls kicking each others asses to get to you, give me your number," I demanded. He pulled out a card and handed it to me.

"You're the nicest person I've ever met! Even if you did just call me a Jolly Green Giant," he pulled me in for a hug. I gently pushed him away.

"Sorry, I have this thing about personal space. Just don't invade it."

The doors opened again, and I walked out, "See you later McGiant!"

* * *

My overly enthusiastic, sixteen-year-old waiter ran his eyes up and down my body, his gaze landing on my legs for way longer than necessary.

This is what I get for asking about the special.

"So, what's your name doll-face?" he questioned.

"Pedro, and don't call me doll-face, Skipper." I perused the menu.

"Pedro?" He laughed. My head rose slowly.

"I'm funny now? I'm funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fucking amuse you?" I said in my best Tommy DeVito voice.

"Shit- I'm sorry," he mumbled under his breath, scurrying away quickly.

I chuckled to myself, and let my eyes wander to the entrance of the diner. It's funny because that looks like- oh Lord.

I quickly put on my sunglasses and ducked my head, pretending to be looking for something in my bag. All the fucked up things always happen to me. Does anyone see how wrong that is?

I guess some would argue that it's karma. Screw them.

I raised my eyes without moving my head, and watched the Calles be seated at the opposite end of the restaurant. They hadn't seen me yet, so I figured I had a good chance of escaping without notice.

A person could only handle so much Calleness in one day.

Although…I really wanted a burger. Maybe if I moved so my back was to them? I mean, they wouldn't be able to see my face. If I kept my sunglasses on and shrunk down a bit, it'd be almost _impossible_ for them to notice me!

This could work.

Skipper came back with my Sprite, "What can I get you…Miss?"

"Skipper, I have the biggest headache, could you lower your voice?" I asked in a whisper. He nodded his head earnestly.

Perfect.

"I'll have a burger and fries," I whispered. After Skipper departed, I risked a glance at the Calles. I sighed with relief when I noticed none of them were even looking in my direction.

I did the sign of the cross, and smiled contentedly while watching Skipper bring out my meal.

Then the moment seemed to happen like a movie- all in slow motion. There was a white napkin lying on the floor in front of Skipper. Within seconds, his foot became entangled with it and he fell over. Directly on top of me. This fall created a loud crash. The loud crash brought a lot of attention from the other people dining at the restaurant. The Calles are currently dining in said restaurant.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

"Bella?"

Double Shit.

I looked up to see all the Calles staring at me. I did a small wave, and then turned to glare at Skipper.

"Sorry," he mumbled embarrassedly, before he began to clean up the mess.

The Calles started to wave me over to their booth. I cringed and went over to say a quick hello. Or maybe a 'fuck off'. Whichever one came into conversation first.

"Hello."

They all gave a cheer in greeting. Well…all except for one.

"How was the movie?" Emmett asked with a pout.

"It was great, you should see it sometime." He scowled.

"You should join us for lunch," Edward offered, charming smile firmly in place.

I pondered. I really didn't want to wait through a long waiting-list at another restaurant. And I didn't want to get fast food. And we didn't have any food in the apartment. And I _really_ didn't want to go grocery shopping.

But on the other hand, I would have to suffer through the Calles' verbal and\or possible physical abuse. There are forks and knives that- at any given time- can be used against me as a weapon.

Fuck it, I'll go to McDonalds.

"You know, I should really be on my way," I coughed, slowly walking backwards.

"Please Bella?" Alice widened her bright blue eyes and pouted out her bottom lip. It _almost _made me feel bad.

"I though your name was Pedro?" Skipper inputted, looking confused.

"It is to _you_, Skipper," I scowled at him. Fucker fed me to the lions.

While I was distracted, Rosalie shot her arm out and yanked me clumsily into the booth by my hand.

I looked at the table and they smiled at me with their stupid, shiny, perfect, white pointy teeth. _The better to eat you with my dear._

"I guess I'm eating with you then," I mumbled.

A different waiter came, and took our orders.

"So Bella, are you going to school?" Jasper asked.

I was about to answer, but my cell phone started ringing. I shot them all an apologetic look before answering it. The song was _Stand By Me, _so I knew it was James.

"What?" I answered.

"Bells! Some freaky shit is going down! You have to come home right this second! Someone broke into our apartment!" The rest of his words were bunched up together so I couldn't understand them, but the parts I _did _hear were enough to scare the shit out of me.

"James! Calm down, I'll be _right_ there," I told him.

After hanging up I unsuccessfully tried to drop my phone back into my purse.

"What's wrong Bella?" Edward's voice held deep concern.

"Someone broke into our apartment, James is freaking out and I have to get home," I murmured, looking for my keys. Where did they go? I felt my pocket. _Oh._

"Bella, you don't look so good," Jasper muttered.

"Well I have a meeting with my plastic surgeon on Wednesday, so you're stuck with _this_," I retorted, pointing at my face, "until then."

"No- I didn't mean," Jasper tried reiterate his words. I knew what he meant, but I needed something to entertain me and take my mind off of the problem at home. Jasper just so happened to be the unlucky son of a bitch who spoke first.

"Bella, you don't look like you should be driving," Edward's velvety, yet irritating voice interrupted my thoughts. He stood up, "I'll take you home."

"No thanks, I'd really rather-" He pulled the keys from my hands and I angrily glowered at the back of his head. I threw the table a small finger wave, and followed behind him.

"Eddie, you're so domineering," I teased, although my voice was suddenly high-pitched and nervous.

"It'll be okay Bella." Oddly enough, I appreciated his attempts to comfort me.

"It better be," I mumbled.

The rest of the drive was spent in tense silence.

When we got to the familiar parking lot, I immediately spotted two police vehicles. Lord help me. I'll be the first to admit how fucked up this is, but I hate police. I know I know.

_Oh, the wonderful irony! _

"Did they steal anything?" Edward asked from my side.

"I don't think so, but with James' loud blubbers, I didn't get the chance to ask."

Once we finally arrived at the apartment, we saw James standing in the doorway, talking to three police officers (or how I prefer to call them, the Po Po).

The first one was older and tall with grey hair. The air of wisdom he gave off made me realize he was probably the one in charge. The next one looked pretty much the same, except he was considerably shorter than the first. The last was pretty short, with jet black hair and a bored expression on his face.

I think everybody- and I do mean _everybody-_ knows that if you want to lead an interesting and exciting life, you don't chose to live in Port Angeles. By choosing to live in Port Angeles, you're setting yourself up for monotony. That's a fact.

"That's my roomate, Isabella Swan!" James pointed to me. They all turned, and I didn't fail to notice that Po number three was shamelessly staring at my legs. I rolled my eyes. Stupid Po.

"If you're going to check someone out, don't be all obvious about it. Be sly and inconspicuous!" I told him, and then turned my attention to the head Po's and James.

"Did they steal anything?" I asked, my voice tense. I have all my work backed up to multiple flash drives, but it would really, _really _suck if someone stole my laptop.

"NO! This is really crazy shit, Bells!" James exclaimed, "They left roses and chocolates with a note proclaiming their undivided love for me. It also said they wouldn't stop at anything to get me, and then they left pictures."

"Pictures?" Edward inquired softly.

"Yeah! There were pictures of me at work, then pictures of me and Bella, and- just of me _everywhere_!" James cried out. I walked over to give him a pat on the back. I know James, and he was about ten seconds away from going into full hysterics.

"So you have a stalker now?" I asked.

"Yes!"

"Shit," I mumbled.

* * *

As I may have previously stated, I have an addiction to Lifetime movies. Most of which, are about stalkers and murderers. I also love to watch those E! Investigates things, which also prominently pertain to serial killers and once again- _stalkers._ It's safe to say that most of the people on those shows are fucking psychopaths. I mean, I've never denied the state of my mental health, but I'm not _that _fucking crazy.

"Only one thing was stolen," Po number one stated sternly, "It was a framed photo of both you and your friend here."

So now our picture was going to be hanging in some weird mother fucker's stalker shrine?

"There really isn't much more we can do, but we'll patrol the area. If we see any suspicious behavior, we'll look into it. For now be careful, and if someone comes back, give us a call." This came from Po number two.

If someone breaks in I'm moving to fucking Alaska.

As James thanked the Po Po, the pervert Po decided not to follow my wise Yoda-like advice, and once again rested his eyes on my legs before winking at me. I could hear Edward growl, and could practically feel the glare he was shooting him.

"Martha May Whoovier, has the best lights," I spoke to no one particular.

"What the fuck Bella? You're quoting lines from _The Grinch _at a time like this?" James was still near hysterics, but I noticed the small note of amusement in his voice.

I could hear Eddie chuckling beside me.

"I wanted to distract you," I shrugged.

We walked inside the apartment and closed the door.

"I don't want to stay here tonight," James stated abruptly.

"Well where do you want to stay?" I asked. To be perfectly honest, the idea of staying in a place that someone easily broke into doesn't float my boat either.

"You could stay with me."

Oh fudge no. There is no way in hell that I am sleeping anywhere near the person who made my therapist, Dr. Banner, a very wealthy man. Okay, maybe I'm joking, but you still see my point.

"No."

"Why not?"

"How many rooms do you have?" James inquired.

Edward smirked at me, "We have two, but Jasper usually stays with Alice."

"We can stay with Charlie."

"Sue practically lives there, do you really want to interrupt their fun time?" James cocked an eyebrow.

"Why the fuck would you say that to me?" I yelled. The mean mother fucker shrugged.

"Well, my offer still stands. I live on the third floor, in apartment 221," Edward winked at me, then made his exit.

James and I glared at each other for a good ten minutes.

"If the fucker tries to kill me in my sleep, I swear to God I'll stay on this earth just to haunt you."

* * *

**I hope this was worth the wait. You're amazing if you understood all the movie references I threw in. Let me know what you think. Have an awesome Halloween, or just an awesome day! **

**Peace,**

**Victoria.**

***Revised as of August 6, 2011**

**P.S: The chapter titles have nothing to do with the actual content of the chapter, they just happen to be songs that make me smile.**


	11. Love Shack

**Hey everyone!**

**I know I haven't updated in forever, and I'm sorry about that. I've been really caught up in school lately. Also, one of my cousins recently passed away, and my whole family has been taking it hard. Again, I apologize for keeping you waiting for so long.**

**A couple days ago, I got this really long comment saying that I pop my P's too much, and basically that my grammar sucks ass. I have a few things to say myself.**

**You're a monkey with a wig on- no, I'm totally joking. I didn't realize how often I did the P thing until you pointed it out. From now on, I'll work on not over doing the popping. And about the grammar, I really appreciate the criticism, because it's always nice to improve. So thank you, I'll work on these things now. Hope you guys enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

**Love Shack- The B52's**

**BPOV**

"There's never only one solution to a problem," I stated indignantly.

"You're right, we could A; stay over at Eddie's lovely home for a few days until we get a new security system, or B; get chopped up into little pieces by some crazy stalker. Pick one."

I struck my thinking pose.

James sighed and knocked rapidly on the grey door in front of us. I let out a loud, dramatic groan. I guess now when I tell stories about my near death experiences to impress people at parties, I won't have to lie and make things up. Hah, I'm only joking. I never get invited to parties.

As I predicted in my mind, Assward opened the door with a huge smirk on his irritatingly perfect face.

"Yes?" Edward asked through his huge smile.

"We would like to take you up on your offer," I mumbled, annoyed. Jasper suddenly came into view, and he had a small, black duffel-bag in his hand.

"My room's very clean, just don't open the second drawer in my dresser," he warned with a playful wink.

"Is that where you keep all your porn?" James asked.

"Yeah, but don't tell Alice," he whispered conspiratorially. James winked back at him, like they were both in on some big secret.

"But really, if you have used condoms laying about, could you tell me now? I don't want to wake up to find anything left over from your and Alice's play time."

"Bella, did you have to say that in front of me? Do you think I want to think about my sister and best friend having "play time" a couple doors down from me?" Edward asked, covering his ears protectively. I giggled evilly to myself.

"No, there are no used condoms," Jasper interjected, rolling his eyes at the Senor.

I could've sworn I heard Jerkward mumble, "Damn straight there aren't!" under his breath.

"We really appreciate you guys letting us stay with you," James said, picking up our suitcases once they moved aside to let us through the doorway. James shot me a look at my lack of response.

"Thanks," I was finally able to cough out.

With the biggest shit-eating grin I had ever seen (not including my own), Edward turned to me, "It's really no problem at all."

I narrowed my eyes.

"Bye everyone!" Jasper called with a small wave as he made his way out of the dysfunctional-people filled apartment quietly. Probably a good idea. Go out very slowly, as to show you are not a threat, keep your back to the wall, because we're crafty and will use any advantage we have, and keep your hands in our line of vision. I give some good ass advice, no?

I should take this shit to the bank.

Edward closed the door behind him, "I'll show you to Jasper's room. So how are we doing the sleeping arrangements? One of you can sleep in my room, and I'll sleep on the couch if that's what you want to do."

"As long as he doesn't kick me while I'm sleeping, like he's so prone to do," I began, shooting a pointed glare at James, "Then we'll just share a room."

"Okay then," Edward sounded confused, but he quickly shook his head as if he deemed the situation unworthy.

Yes.

"Jazz's room is this way," he murmured, steering us toward a dark green door.

"Jasper lent us this room with full knowledge that we're going to look through anything and everything we may or may not find interesting, right?" I asked Eddie, "We really have no boundaries."

"If he didn't just assume, then he's an idiot and deserves it."

James and I nodded our heads in agreement, before entering the room. It was _very _large in size. It was clear that a professional had designed it, and I knew it had to be the wonderful Esme. Another one of her amazing talents, is interior design work. All of her projects are immaculate, and this is no exception.

"Very nice, very nice," I used my best Borat voice.

"I'll leave you two to get settled in."

We watched him intently, waiting for him to fully exit. The moment the door shut, we jumped onto the bed like five-year-olds. We did flips- attempted flips- awesome karate kicks- attempted karate kicks- graceful ballet jumps- _yeah right- _and everything in between.

"I like."

James beamed down at me, "Me too."

After unpacking my belongings, I stretched myself across the bed. It was then that I noticed that something was missing. "Where the hell is the T.V.?" I questioned aloud.

James' eyes darted around the room, and his mouth fell open. We stared at each other in shock.

"Maybe it's just hidden somewhere," James tried to reason.

Now, I'm sure it is quite normal and common for people to not have a T.V. in every room of their house, but this is me and James. We barely know the definition of the word normal.

I decided to question Edward about this. I found him in the kitchen getting himself a glass of orange juice. Once he saw me, he raised his glass silently as to ask me if I wanted some, and I shook my head.

"Jasper the friendly ghost doesn't have a T.V. in his room," I started, "What the fuck's up with that?"

"Jasper the friendly ghost?"

"Just answer my damn question."

"_You're so domineering._ Well, Jasper is studying to be a psychologist, and in one of his classes they are talking about how the media heavily influences your emotions or some shit like that, so he got rid of it," he explained with a shrug.

I pouted.

James suddenly popped up, supply bag in hand, "They need me back at the salon."

"Are you sure you want to go out? There are crazy stalkers on the loose!" He may be a lot of things, but he's been a brother to me and I don't know what I'd do without him.

"Don't worry Bells," he pulled me in for a hug, "I'm getting a ride to and from work from now on, I won't be alone."

A few minutes later he was gone and I was bored.

"Entertain me Eddie-boy," I commanded, following him into the living room and plopping down next to him on the pretty couch.

"Woke up quick; at about noon- just thought I had to be in Compton soon- gotta get drunk; before the day begins- before my mother starts bitchin'; about my friends-"

I cut him off, "_Boys in the Hood_, really Senor?"

"You said to entertain you, are you not entertained?"

"Good point Senor, good point. Now what are we watching?"

* * *

**EPOV**

She was talking to me, to _me_. And although she wasn't exactly being Miss Congeniality at the moment, I'll happily take what I can get. I handed her the remote.

"Why do you keep calling me Senor?"

"Don't worry your pretty little head about it Eddie," she smiled widely.

"You think I'm pretty?" I smirked. She just rolled her eyes and continued flipping through the channels. She may hate every part of my being, but she thinks I'm pretty, and I'm going to milk that as much as possible.

"Shit Edward, how many channels do you have?" Bella mumbled with an adorable, irritated pout on her beautiful face.

"Emmett took it upon himself to order us every channel available, he says he likes variety," I told her with a sigh. "Speaking of Emmett, he told me to tell you that he forgives you," I chuckled.

"Now I'll be able to sleep at night," she snorted.

"I'll be sure to tell him- what the fuck are we watching?"

"Senor, if I have to explain to you-"

"I know what we're watching, but why are we watching it?"

"The first time you said what, not _why,_ so don't snap at me for being polite."

"Will you _please_ answer my question?"

"Which one?"

I groaned and let my face fall into my hands as her tinkling laughter filled the room. I lifted my head to see the graphic images displayed on my Plasma screen T.V. An unnaturally-busty blonde in a cop costume was spanking a red-headed guy with her night-stick.

"I think you just deflowered my T.V."

"Oh come on Edward. Don't be ashamed, it's no secret that you're a closet porn addict. You've probably already seen this one."

I scowled indignantly.

"Better?" She asked after changing it to _Scarface._

"Much," I mumbled, still rightfully upset.

* * *

**BPOV**

Oh, how the tables have turned. And I'll admit I'm loving every second of it. In a weird way, I can vaguely see why the Calles were able to pick on me for so many years. But don't get me wrong- I only try to frustrate them while they fucked up my mind.

Same, same, but different.

I was torn from my sadistic thoughts by my stomach's growling, so I made my way to the kitchen.

"Where are you going?"

"Tengo hambre."

I walked through the long hallway, making sure to open every door I saw. Bathroom, bedroom, washing room, closet, and piano room.

I know it may be strange to comprehend, but Doucheward _does _have a talent other than bullying me. I've never had the pleasure of hearing him play with my own two ears, but apparently he's some big piano prodigy. Another thing to hate the bastard for.

After a grueling journey, I reached my destination. A chef probably would have taken the time to admire all of the stainless-steel appliances, along with the shiny pots and pans that hung neatly from a pretty rack above the sink.

I went straight to the cupboard. Nope- that's cleaning stuff. My next searching place was the cupboard above the refrigerator. Nope- cups. This cycle went on for about five minutes before I decided to ask Edward why his apartment was so fucking weird.

I walked in to find him flicking through all of the channels on his big-ass T.V. He eyed me questioningly upon noticing my lack of food.

"It's fucked up when you need a GPS to find a bag of chips."

He stood up and motioned for me to follow him. Upon entering the kitchen, he led me to what looked like a closet. He flicked on a light-switch, and stepped aside so I could enter.

The 'closet' was actually a huge pantry. Also known as the Promise Land. It was fully stocked, with every kind of junk food anyone could think of.

"Fuck, you have more food in your pantry than _I _do. That's saying something."

"We have an Emmett."

"Ah." Suddenly the world makes sense.

"That reminds me, we have to go grocery shopping. Between you and Emmett…" he was rambling more to himself than me, so I took the opportunity to pick up a bag of Lays along with some frosted animal cookies.

He led us back to the living room, and we ate in comfortable silence, finally settling on _The Godfather_.

Good Lord- I think we just had a moment.

* * *

I yawned and stretched out on Jasper's comfy bed. James was sleeping peacefully next to me. Adorable.

I contemplated putting on clothes that didn't make me look like I charged five dollars for blow-job, because I didn't think my thin tank-top and tiny blue shorts got the job done.

Fuck it, I'm comfortable.

I tip-toed, as to not wake James from his deep slumber- See? I'm capable of being nice- and walked out the door to the living room. I could tell Eddie was asleep by his snores.

I walked quietly over to the couch, and switched it on to _LMN: Lifetime Movie Network. _I fucking love this channel. They have the best movies to yell at. I mean, I'll yell at a movie no matter what, but these ones give me a lot more material to work with. Especially when there's some crazy stalker who preys on an unsuspecting victim.

Huh. Maybe I shouldn't watch this after all. I changed it to TBS so I could watch _Saved By The Bell. _Zack Morris is my hero. He is everything I aspire to be.

Suddenly the doorbell rang, and I rose to answer it. I was about to open the door, but I stopped. It wasn't my apartment, so I didn't really have the authority to open it. But what if it was something really important? What if it was a girl scout selling cookies, and I missed out on a great opportunity to eat some- I mean to help those wonderful little children?

I find it humorous how much time I spend thinking about a door.

Whatever, I'll open it. I undid the locks, and slowly pulled it open. Standing there was a tall strawberry blonde. She would've been pretty, should she have chosen to keep her original nose or boobs, had passed on the lip injections, and hadn't caked makeup on her face.

The girl scouts department really went down from when I was a little one.

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm a prostitute Edward hired for the night."

I kind of hoped this wasn't his girlfriend, because it wouldn't be nice to get him dumped after he was showing so much hospitality. Although, I would probably be doing him a huge favor. And if I wanted to get all technical about it, it would just be revenge.

Her jaw dropped and before I could say anything else, she screeched, "EDDIE!"

I jumped at the volume. Fuck- I thought _my _voice was annoying.

Edward walked in, still groggy, wearing some flannel pajama bottoms, and a white t-shirt that clung to his six pack. Wow, he's in shape. I looked down at my flat stomach. Now I want a six pack.

"Tanya, what are you doing here? And how did you find out where I live?" Senor asked angrily.

"Eddie, who is this whore?"

Bitch said what now?

"Oh hell no-" I was cut off when the Senor wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close to him. I gave him a 'what the fuck' look, and his green eyes pleaded with me to play along.

"Tanya I would appreciate it if you didn't speak that way about my girlfriend." My eyes popped so much that they were starting to hurt.

"Girlfriend! But we had something special Eddie-"

"Don't call me Eddie," he growled. I always call him Eddie, and he never growls at me. Take that bitch.

"You're just confused right now! After some time with this little slut, you'll realize that we're meant to be together! Just give it some time!" She grabbed him by the shirt, and his eyes cut to me, silently screaming for help.

Honestly, I would have enjoyed watching the show for a little while longer, but he looked so fucking _scared_. I decided to help a brother out.

"Yeah I'm his girlfriend, so you better step off my man before I bitch-slap you. I'll go for the nose first, don't think I won't." Okay, everyone knows that I'm all talk, but Tawny here _doesn't_. She tripped over her hooker heels trying to get away from me.

I turned to Eddie-boy, "Girlfriend?"

He groaned, "I was paired with her for a project in one of my classes, and she just let her stalker tendencies take off from there. I thought after Rosalie called her a psychopathic bitch when she showed up at Thanksgiving dinner at my parents house, she would get the message, but apparently it didn't deter her. I figured if she thought I had a girlfriend, it would help."

"If she fucking jumps me, I swear to God you're paying for my funeral."

* * *

**I hope you all liked it. From now on, I'll try and post more often. Thanks for reading, tell me if it's a hit or miss!**

**Peace,**

**Victoria.**

***Revised as of August 6, 2011**

**P.S: The chapter titles have nothing to do with the actual content of the chapter, they just happen to be songs that make me smile.**


	12. The Way You Make Me Feel

**Hey everyone!** **Here's a new chapter. I know I don't update as quickly as I should, but since I have school and dance off for two weeks- I don't have a life outside of those two things- I should be updating a lot more frequently.**

**Thank you for all the reviews, story alerts, favorites, and everything else- they make me smile. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

**The Way You Make Me Feel- Michael Jackson**

**BPOV**

I was currently sitting in the Senor's piano room. I had my laptop sitting on top of the closed keys, and I was trying to figure out what I should name my new villain. Naturally, it had to be something cool, not something normal like Peter, or Christopher, or Daniel. It has to be something like-

And again, I'm drawing a blank.

I usually don't have a problem with writer's block, because I never really have a problem with dialog. However, when I _do _get it, it hits hard and drives me fucking insane_. _If writer's block was a person, I would've hired someone to kick it's ass a long time ago.

I got up from the makeshift couch I had made on the piano bench- those things get fucking uncomfortable- and strolled quickly into the Promise Land to feed my machine.

No one was home, and I was bored as hell. I thought about going to the park, but quickly dismissed the silly idea. What would I do- _jog_? I started laughing to myself quietly. _Read a book_? My hands gripped onto the granite counter tightly, so I wouldn't fall over from laughing so hard. _Enjoy nature_? Now I was five seconds away from rolling around on the tiled floor, cackling like the fucking wicked witch of the west.

Or maybe I was already doing that…

I opened the fridge, and looked through it's contents. I should probably help Meanward with the groceries. Offering to feed James and me was like offering to feed the army. Expensive and stupid.

When I didn't find anything I especially fancied in the refrigerator, I moved on to the monster pantry. I grabbed a bag of pretzels, resettled into my little cot, and went back to staring at my smudged computer screen.

I could name him Edward?

I huffed, and closed my laptop. I hate naming things. Once, when I went to a fair with James and his now ex-boyfriend, Tony, I won a cute little goldfish. I named him fish.

"Hey," a velvety voice greeted from behind me. It caught me off guard, so I let out a loud yelp and jumped five feet in the air. I turned to see a laughing Senor, and placed a hand on top of my fast beating heart.

"Shit Eddie, don't sneak up on people like that."

"I'm almost positive that it doesn't count as 'sneaking up' if takes place in my own house."

"Yes, but this is an apartment_,_ not a_ house._ Come on Eddie, use your penny-head!" I shook my head at him disapprovingly.

"I'm not a penny-head," Edward mumbled to himself.

"If you prefer the term Ginger then that's cool too," I told him. He pouted.

"Whatever. So is there a reason why you've decided to build fort in my piano room?"

"Your piano bench is very uncomfortable, I suggest you buy a padded one. Or maybe a small couch. Perhaps a _Lay-Z-boy_? Anyway, I'd look into getting something new."

His emerald eyes danced with amusement, "I'll work on it, but why choose to sit on the uncomfortable piano bench when there's a couch sitting in the next room?"

"I chose to sit in here because the rest of the rooms in your apartment give me shitty inspiration," I stated matter-of-factly.

"It's such a random room," he commented, running his hands through his sex-hair.

"It's me we're talking about, don't be surprised if one day you come home to see me typing away in your closet."

I picked up the cord that was connected to the circuit next to the window, and picked up my laptop, turning to go place it in my(Jasper's) room. Edward followed carrying all of the blankets and pillows, then sat them down neatly on top of the white comforter.

"A for teamwork."

I followed him into the kitchen.

"So," I asked, seeing no reason to beat around the bush, "Is your completely wonderful and spectacular mother making her special Santa Clause cookies this year?" I asked hopefully.

Hhhmmm.

_Moist. Soft. Fluffy. Sweet. Delicate. Entertainingly adorable._ These are all adjectives that come to mind when I think of Esme's special Santa Clause cookies. You see, as I previously stated, Esme bakes the most delicious treats.

These special little treats she makes but _once_ a year, right before Christmas. She uses special milk, along with dark and white chocolate that she imports from Sweden. She hand carves little jelly-beans for the eyes, and writes "Merry Christmas' across Santa's big tummy with frosting she makes herself.

"Bella? Are you okay?" Edward asked, eyeing me.

"Of course," I responded immediately, trying to hide my stupid tomato-blush by looking at the refrigerator.

"You licked your lips and moaned." He watched me as if I was an escaped mental patient. _Watch out all, crazy Bella Swan's on the loose! _

Okay, I'll admit, that doesn't sound incredibly far off.

"I did no such thing."

"Of course you didn't," he retorted sarcastically, "Oh, and don't forget to wipe the drool off the corner of your mouth." My hand immediately went to wipe away the small moisture that had- indeed- started pooling at the corner of my mouth. He smirked arrogantly. Mother Fucker.

"You never answered my question."

"No, she's said it's too much work this year," he said, disappointment lacing his tone.

My heart felt like it was breaking into little tiny pieces, and those pieces were being repeatedly stepped on by a three-hundred-pound wrestler. It felt as though my throat was closing up. I could hear little bells ringing right next to my ear, so loud that I could feel the vibrations. I think I'm about to have a fucking panic attack.

"How much does she want?"

"What?" he asked, confused.

"I'll pay her, I'll fucking fly to Sweden myself if I have to. She can't _not_ make her special fucking cookies! I live for those cookies. I want my fucking cookies."

And then he laughed. He fucking _laughed_ at me. He was laughing so hard, that he had to grip the marble counter-top to steady himself just like I had done earlier. He had tears running down his face, which was starting to turn red. He was mumbling to himself, which seemed to make him laugh harder.

"Did I miss the punch line?" I asked irritably.

"I was just joking," he managed to choke out.

Joking? He was just fucking _joking_? My jaw and fists clenched in unison. I went chameleon, and my pearly-white skin changed to a fiery-red. Large tremors began to run down my body. I experienced an emotion that was new to me. Rage. Just pure, angry _rage. _So I did the first thing that came to mind.

I poked him straight in his forehead.

He immediately stopped laughing, "Did you seriously just poke me?"

I glowered at him. He erupted back into his cackle. Mother Fucker. I don't need to take this abuse. I turned and walked back to my(Jasper's) room. I grabbed my converse and laced them up quickly. I then picked up my keys from the nightstand sitting next to the bed, mumbling about how Douchward was an asshole the whole time.

He was still laughing when I stormed out and started walking toward the door.

"Where are you going?" He wasn't laughing anymore.

I ignored him and walked out, slamming the front door childishly. I ran down the hall and pushed the button forcefully. It opened and I ran inside, then continued to press the button hard so the doors would close soon. Just in case Senor Douche-Bag decided to try and follow me.

Once I finally reached my substitution Batmobile, I realized something that is probably important when you leave in a huff. I really have no where to go.

* * *

**EPOV**

Fuck me.

All was going fine, we were actually having a conversation that didn't consist of her making fun of me or me doing something to piss her off. But then I had to go laugh at her like a big fucking asshole.

I slammed my fist down hard on the countertop. _Shit_- I don't think I'll be doing that again anytime soon. I cradled my hand to my chest to try and sooth the throbbing.

I could try calling her to apologize? Nah, I'm pretty sure she won't answer any of my phone calls. I entered my room and stretched out on my bed.

-_Two Fucking Hours Later-_

She still wasn't back, and now I was contemplating going out and driving around to look for her. I mean, she hasn't been in Washington for five years! She probably had no idea where she was going. What if she's lost? What if she got a flat tire in a deserted road? What if-

Oh God. I really need to stop this, I'm going to give myself a premature heart-attack. I heard the front door open, and I quickly jumped up to go see if it was Bella.

"Bella's pissed at you," James stated, his tone slightly amused as he hung up his coat.

"She told you?"

He finally let out the chuckle that was obviously trying to force it's way out of his throat, "You fucked with her special cookies? In Bellsarina Land, that makes you chargeable for the death penalty."

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair.

Shit.

* * *

**BPOV**

That lady better stop yelling at her lying, cheating, douche of a boyfriend, because I can assume that she doesn't want her three-year-old son to do a face-plant on the pavement.

Unless of course she does, in which case I should probably call Child Protective services on her crazy child-abuser ass.

She finally took a moment to look away from the squirrel-looking guy begging for forgiveness on his knees- which I find slightly ironic, because his little slut of a neighbor doing a little something for him on _her _knees was what brought them here in the first place, or at least that's what I've gathered from their little show- and picked up her son to buckle him up in his car seat.

When I left the apartment, I didn't really know where to go, and the first place that came to mind was the Target parking lot. I figured I would come here, and then think of a new location. But then the little people who run my mind decided to take a lunch break, and I couldn't think of anywhere else I was welcome, so I stayed.

There was nothing that I could find to do at first, so I made a short trip inside, and bought a book of Sudoku. It kept me occupied for a while, but my attention started diverting. Then these two crazy monkey's came and started their entertaining little show.

And let me tell you, it's been better than my favorite novellas.

It was starting to wind down though, and their voices are beginning to annoy the shit out of me.

"Fuck you!" Lady screamed at Guy. Being the creative genius that I am, I named them 'Lady and Guy'. See what I said about naming things?

Well, in actuality they had used names. He called her a bunch of those cutesy nicknames that would be endearing if they weren't so revolting, and she didn't call him anything except- well let's just say some of the words in her vocabulary brought a blush to _my _face.

"_Stand by me; Oh, Stand by my; Oh, Stand; Stand by me; Stand by me," _my phone rang loudly through the car, catching me by surprise and making me jump. I quickly looked around to make sure no one saw.

"City morgue," I answered.

"When will you be home?"

"James what are you plotting?" I asked suspiciously. I knew his voice better than I knew my own.

"Nothing!" he said, feigning innocence.

"James, don't play fucking coy, I know your voice, and I know you're up to something."

"Bella, just come home." And with that, he hung up.

Begrudgingly, I was home within ten minutes. The second I walked in through the door, a familiar smell filled up my nasal passageways. I smelled cinnamon, chocolate, and peppermint. I sniffed, and followed the scent to the kitchen.

Edward and James were seated, obviously waiting for me, because there were three full glasses of milk that had not been drunken, and plate full of Esme's special Christmas cookies. I picked one up and took a bite of it.

I proceeded to beam at the Senor and sat down in my rightful place at the table.

* * *

"No Pops, it's fine, really- no, it's fine," I sighed into the phone.

"Bells, are you sure? I mean, we can cancel-"

"Dad it's really okay, just make sure they have enough lifeboats. We wouldn't want you and Sue to die should there be another Titanic-like incident. That would really suck. Although, you _do _have a pretty decent life insurance policy, and with the recession and all..."

He chuckled, "If you're sure. What will you and James do though?"

"I'm sure we'll find something," I chuckled.

We quickly said our adios', and hung up. I went in search of James, who was cleaning his hair-cutting things in the master bathroom.

"We're being orphaned this Christmas," I spoke, still transfixed on his moving hands.

"Damn, I hate it when that happens."

I laughed, "Mi Padre is going on a cruise with mi almost step Madre, so they won't be home."

"Oh, that sounds fun. We could do Indian?" he pondered, turning back to his work.

"Yeah, I was thinking Chinese, but either way. Maybe Thai?" We continued our discussion, but moved it to the family room so we could watch a movie.

"Hey Eddie, do you know any good Indian places?" I asked as I plopped down on the leather recliner next to the couch.

"No, I'm not really fond of Indian food. Too spicy, Alice might know though. Why?"

"My dad disowned me, I'm not invited for Christmas dinner anymore," I replied, stealing the remote from his hand.

"Really?" Edward asked, his mouth hanging open in shock.

"No, my dad and his ho are going on a cruise, and we have nothing to do. We're probably the only two people in the world who can undercook cereal, so preparing a meal is out of the question. We need some sort of nourishment, and we've decided on Indian," I answered, settling on _Joe Dirt._

"You can come to my parents house and have dinner with us," Edward answered coolly.

We both looked over at him.

"My parents love you, and it would make Esme so happy. I'll just have to warn her exactly how much food you both intake, and she'll probably have to buy the grocery store, but that shouldn't be a problem."

"We wouldn't want to be an inconvenience," James and I told him at the same time.

"No, they'll love it. I'll call right now."

Within minutes, James and I were scheduled to spend Christmas day with the Calles.

* * *

I was once again sitting all by my lonesome in the Calle home. I need to get a dog or something. Or take up a hobby. I'm somewhat decent at bowling. Okay, not really. I like to swim, but it irritates my eyes and I hate goggles.

Decisions, decisions.

A loud knock interrupted my thoughts, and I went to go answer the door. I hope it's someone selling something. I wouldn't mind some brownies right about now. Or maybe some of that caramel popcorn stuff.

I quickly slid the door open, and laughed at the sight before me. This is going to be fun.

"We don't want any," I said and slammed the door. I looked out of the peephole, to see all three of them standing there, looking like idiots. I chuckled evilly to myself.

I can't believe Tawny would come back, and she brought some backup. I thought Eddie and I had made ourselves pretty fucking clear. Oh well, this is the kind of shit I live for.

I opened the door again. "I'm sorry, your victim isn't in right now, may I take a message?"

The short one, immediately started 'leaving a message', and I couldn't hold it in, I started cracking up. Their three angry glares did absolutely nothing to help my situation.

"Okay sorry, continue," I said, wiping the tears from my eyes.

"I want you to leave my poor Eddie alone! He needs to realize it's _me_, who he belongs with, you disgusting whore," Tawny got out in one big breath.

Hell fucking no. _**Nobody**_ calls Isabella Marie Swan a whore. This bitch is going to fucking die.

"Listen Tawny-" I started, and she tried to interrupt me, but stopped herself when she caught my death glare.

"If you ever refer to me as anything less than Mam, I swear I will grab you by your ugly extensions, and throw you out of a skyscraper's window. Then I'll break your nose for a fourth time. Are we clear?" I made sure to glower directly in each of their idiotic eyes, in case one of her fellow sluts decided to start something.

"Yes," she answered timidly, and I narrowed my eyes even more. "Yes Mam," she quickly corrected.

"Now, if you're not gone in five seconds, I'll call the cops and have you arrested for stalking," I told them, but then quickly added, "And indecent exposure."

They started pushing each other out of the way, trying to get out of my line of vision. I laughed to myself loudly, and then went back to my(Jasper's) room.

I love being me.

* * *

**Hello again. Thank you for reading. I hope you liked it, and tell me what you think. Have a wonderful holiday, and be safe. Interpret that as you wish.**

**Peace,**

**Victoria.**

***Revised as of August 6, 2011**

**P.S: The chapter titles have nothing to do with the actual content of the chapter, they just happen to be songs that make me smile.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey everyone! Here's an update, I hope you like it, you get to see McGiant again, and learn more about the stalking situation.**

**Someone asked if there will be any lemons, and to answer, I'm not sure. It just depends, I've never written one before, so I'm really not sure what to do.**

**Anyway, enjoy! **

* * *

**BPOV**

"James, in all seriousness, this dude seems really sensitive, so when he gets here, don't say anything that could possibly offend him, he already has poor self-esteem, and he doesn't need us sadists to lower it," I said, as we waited for Louis McHale to make an appearance into our(Jasper and Edward's) humble abode.

Last night, Edward had class at his fancy college, James was working, and I was bored out of my fucking mind, so I decided to call McGiant and discuss what time would be best for us to start our little extracurricular activity.

And I can honestly say from the bottom of my black hole, I have decided that I like him. Most definitely not in any sort of romantic way or anything, but in more of a little brother way. You know, when they kind of bug you, but secretly you enjoy their company. And then you get to teach them shit.

Yeah, don't lie, you know the way.

Anyway, with Christmas coming up, he wanted to get his James-over(So clever, right?) done and have a girlfriend available to show off to his "over-bearing parents, permanent PMS sisters, and doucher of a brother" in time.

And I swear on James, that is a direct quotation.

"Bella, must I remind you? I'm the nice cop," he said, going all OCD and making sure that every bottle was facing a specific direction. I pouted at him in annoyance.

"Whatever, just be cool," I said, waiting for him to turn around so I could turn one of the little bottles the wrong way.

"So, after we get the external makeover done, who's going to help him with the capturing of young girls hearts," he asked, fixing and scowling at the bottle that was shifted in the wrong direction.

"How did this happen?" he mumbled, looking to the ones I turned while he was fixing the first one, but I was too distracted by his previous comment to enjoy his reaction.

Ah shit sickles. This is going to prove to be a problem. Sure we could play around with his hair and make him look hot, and we could teach him our ways to make him seem witty, and would make him coo- okay, neither of us are in fact, "cool", but I'm getting off topic. The point is, neither of us had any experience in attracting mates of the female specimen.

Did I already say shit-sickles?

"Fuck, I didn't think of that," I said, watching James try to get one of the bottles pointed in the perfect direction again.

"Didn't think of what," Edward asked slightly confused, looking in curiously from the open door.

"James and I need to figure out a way to woo a girl right out of her pants, and neither of us have actually tried, so it's proving to be very difficult," I said looking upside down at him from my place on the bed.

I know I could have probably found a way to phrase it to sound better, but I didn't, so.............

I laughed loudly at the perplexed expression on his face.

"You need to woo a _girl_?"

We were about to tell him what we meant, but the doorbell rang, cutting us off. I sighed.

I've grown to fear that dreadful sound. No good ever comes of it. I either get my ass kicked by someone triple my age, or I have to waste my time on some stalker-like wannabe hooker. It never turns out good for me.

James went and answered it, revealing a very frazzled looking McGiant, who shot a grateful smile at me as soon as I came into his line of sight.

"Sup," I said, all gangsta-like.

James rolled his eyes at me, and widened the door, letting him in.

"Hello McGiant, my names James Sangue, and I will be your personal makeup artist today," James said smiling widely at McGiant, while the Senor stalked into the room.

"Who's this?" For some reason Edward suddenly sounded very irritable, and was glowering intensely directly at McGiant. Even _I _was scared for a minute, and I was standing behind James, who was slightly covered by the door.

I decided to try and save McGiant, who was standing frozen with fear in the doorway. "Edward this is McGiant, and we are giving him a James-over, so he can show his doucher(if you haven't noticed, 'doucher' is my word of the week) family that he isn't a pathetic loser and\or gay," I said in one big breath. Edward noticeably relaxed.

Fucking weirdy.

"Hello, my name's Edward Cullen, nice to meet you," Edward said, his tone much more congenial than earlier. He held out his hand for McGiant to shake. McGiant looked at his hesitantly before taking it in his huge hand.

"Louis McHale," he said nervously.

Great job senor. This was exactly the kind of thing I was hoping to avoid.

"This is why we need to learn how to woo a girl, he needs a girlfriend," I explained.

"I don't know what we're going to do, none of us have practiced the art of 'wooing' to a great extent," James sighed. I groaned at my stupidity, I should have thought about this sooner. We could have found _someone. _

Fuck, if I had remembered I would have asked Charlie. He's with Sue, so obviously he as a _little_ game.

I gazed up at Edward, and unabashedly checked him out. No matter how much I resent Edward for fucking with my childhood, I can't deny that he's probably the hottest, most attractive guy I've ever met. He hit the fucking jack pot in the gene pool. All the Cullens, and the Hales for that matter, did.

And he's smart too, and really well off, and when he's not being a douche bag, he's got an okay personality. Now that I think about it, he's probably had a lot of girlfriends. Ones who he has '_wooed'._

Hmmmmmmmmmm.

"Edward, how do you feel about going into teaching?"

_**-Thirty Minutes Later-**_

"_Sugar pie honey bunch, you know that I love you! I can't help myself, I love you and nobody else!"_ one of my favorite songs, _I Can't Help Myself _by the Four Tops blared from James' laptop.

Me and Edward were laying on the bed, waiting for James and McGiant to finish the makeover, and we were playing with one of Emmett's old Game Boys. It was some Mario game, and I was the high scorer.

"I so owned you Eddie," I stated cockily after he closed it in aggravation.

"I let you win," he mumbled annoyed. I giggled at him, then stood up to go see the progress in the bathroom.

I walked in to see James swat McGiant's big hand away from his face, which had some sort of green facial mask covering it.

"I told you not to touch your face," James scowled at McGiant.

"Sorry," he mumbled, curiously examining his face in the mirror.

"Damn straight you are," James said, mixing some things in a small bowl. I didn't wish to see anymore, so I went back, and found Edward playing the game again, no doubt trying to beat my score and steal my title. I frowned and snatched it away from him, turning it off.

"Jerk."

"Whatever. Hey, you want to play Hero?"

"Hell yeah I want to play Guitar Hero."

_****_

-Twenty Long Fucking Minutes Later-

"How long can doing hair take!" I sighed, exasperated, and still slightly bummed that Eddie beat me in Guitar Hero.

"Beauty takes time Bellsarina!" James called from the bathroom.

"_Beauty takes time Bellsarina,_" I mocked James with a scowl.

"You're just mad that you can't play Guitar Hero to save your life," Edward quipped.

I narrowed my eyes at him, and then angrily retorted, "I still retain the fact that my guitar was faulty."

"Of course it was Bella."

"It was!"

"No one's doubting you."

"Shut up penny-head," my glowing intensified. He chuckled and brought his hands up to a surrendering position.

"Truce?" he asked, holding up his hand for me to shake. I studied it for a couple moments.

"No," and then I poked him in the stomach, catching him off guard, making him fall back on the couch. Seeing the look in his eyes, I thought it best for me to run and hide.

I thought correct.

"Bella," he sang mockingly, "you can run, but you can hide."

_I am hiding mother fucker. _I was locked inside the kitchen pantry, and it was a pretty smart decision, if I do say so myself, which I do. If I had to stay here for an extended period of time, I had food, I had drinks, I could use a flower sack as a pillow.

I'm so smart sometimes it scares me.

"Bella, come out, come out wherever you are."

I rolled my eyes, fucker will never find me in here. I quietly set up the flower sack -which didn't really have any other purpose, because neither Jasper nor Edward cook- so I could sit comfortably on it, grabbed a bag of cookies, and pulled out the Game Boy that Edward and I were using earlier.

Life is good.

_****_

Fifteen Relaxing(Bella) and Irritating(Edward) Minutes Later

"Fuck," I heard Edward mumble, "where could she have gone?"

I buried my head into my should so he wouldn't be able to hear me laugh. I had beaten my high score, and moved onto a bag of sour cream and onion Lays, and playing Tetris on my phone.

Suddenly, all was quiet. A little too quiet. Whatever. I brushed it off and concentrated back on my Tetris game. I'm so fucking good at this game. It's just apart of my awesomeness package.

Cue the snorts.

James' voice abruptly broke the silence, "Bella, we're done, come on so we can finish the James-over!"

I guess you could say that I was excited, because I was out of that closet faster than fat man was at a buffet table.

"Where?!" I hopped out.

I saw a bronze head flip in my direction, and them James chuckled and walked back to our(Jasper's) room. I went to follow him, but was stopped by the Senor.

"Fooled you," he sang like a four year old.

That son of a- my angry thoughts were cut off by him, "I told you I would find you." I glared at him, and took a few steps back, trying to add space to he couldn't do what I think he was about to do.

"Don't do it."

He had me trapped against the counter now.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"What you're about to do," I answered cautiously, nervous for the inevitable attack to start.

"What am I about to do?" he asked again, moving a little closer.

I made a quick decision. "Not this!" I grabbed the water hose from the sink and sprayed him straight in the face.

Now, it wasn't the most mature method to diffuse the situation, but it worked for me. He stood there shocked, and I raced past him, hoping to get the bathroom. His shock didn't last long, as he grabbed me around the waist and spun me around so I was facing him.

"You did _not_ just spray me in the face," he said, looking into my eyes.

Shit, I didn't realize how fudging deep his eyes are. And I didn't really notice how pretty they are. They're like beautiful, green……lagoons.

"Okay I didn't, let's go play-" His hands went to my sides and started tickling me. And when I say tickling me, I mean like _really_ tickling me. I couldn't stop the giggles from erupting through my chest and overtaking my whole body. I clutched his shoulders to try and balance myself, but that just gave him easier access.

"Sto-sto-stop!" I giggled at him, which just made him chuckle, and increase his motions.

You see, I'm a very ticklish person. It's my one weakness -awkward cough- and Eddie discovered this when we were in the second grade. All that I can recollect is that it had to do with some glue, a Madonna CD, and a stuffed animal named Professor Poof Poof.

The rest is a little fuzzy.

I managed to get far enough away from him to tackle him to the ground, which caught him by surprise. I wouldn't have fallen with him, and would have been able to reach my destination, if not for him wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me along to the ground. Apparently he wouldn't be going down alone.

"AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" we both screeched at the same time.

I was lucky, for Eddie broke my fall.

"Why did you tackle me?" he asked, slightly out of breath.

"Why did you tickle me?" I asked, not really wanting to place any blame on myself.

"You sprayed water in my face."

"We are all innocent until proven guilty, and you can't prove that I sprayed you with the hose."

He grabbed the hem of his shirt, and pulled it out slightly, showing the damp spot that was covering the whole front side, then he pointed to his crazy hair. "Yes Bella, I actually can."

I nestled myself further into his chest. "You know Edward, you're really soft," I said closing my eyes, and humming to myself.

"Well, by all means, don't hesitate to make yourself comfortable."

"I know that comment was meant to be sarcastic, but all sarcasm aside, I'm going to do just that, because as long as there is not a 'no' in that sentence, then it's legal and I can't be arrested for sexual assault."

"Bella……………you have no idea."

"What the fuck is that suppos-"

"Please, just let me just enjoy the moment Bella."

"Whatever Eddie," he seemed to be having a- what's the right word? You would think being an author would make me incredibly articulate, but I guess this is not the case. Anywhosinburger, I suppose Eddie-boy was having a "moment", so I chose to just leave him be.

I'm such a fucking Saint, it's a wonder people never mistake me for Mother Teresa.

"You guys! Come see my master piece!" James called out.

Me and Eddie got up, and made out way into the bedroom.

"Sit down! Sit down!" James screeched at us.

"Hold your ponies James," I mumbled as he pushed me and Eddie roughly on the bed.

"Shut up Bella," he retorted, distracted.

I pouted, and I heard Edward groan, so I looked over at him, and gave him a 'what-the fuck?" look. He just shook his head.

Weirdy.

"Okay, presenting the new _and_ improved…...drum roll please..…….McGiant!" James called out in a very convincing announcer voice.

McGiant stepped out of the bathroom, and did a little twirl. My jaw dropped.

"Dude! You look hot!" I shouted stepping up to get a closer look. I heard Edward's distinct growl come from behind me, but he's so weird, I find it a lot easier to just ignore him when he has his "moments".

His hair was teased, so now it was sex hair, resembling Edwards, but a lot tamer. James had also added some golden highlights and undertones, that would look natural to anyone else. I guess the green mask did the trick, because his skin looked ah-mazing(I stole that little phrase from _The Clique_ books I read in sixth grade). I never really noticed, but he has a really good skin tone, a very natural golden brown.

And I have to say, it looked smoother than a wee one's behind.

"Shit, your teeth are flipping blinding me," I stated, very impressed.

"Yeah man, you look nice," Edward said, I guess his 'moment' had dispersed.

"I'm so proud of my little protégé!" I lifted up my palm, and me and James did the complex secret handshake we made up in freshman year.

"We still need to go shopping to get him some clothes though," James said, shooting me a pointed look.

I, being my ladylike self, snorted attractively. "Have fun with that," I said, hoping James would just take that and accept it.

"Get your tiny ass back here Bella!" Damn.

"You screeched?" I said, walking back into the room with a deep sigh.

"You do not get an option in this Bella, you're coming," James said.

"I would love to, but I have a lot of stuff to do here. Like laundry, and, um, my taxes, and, err, shit, writing!" I pouted, like I was really upset that I wouldn't be accompanying them to their little trip.

"Shut the fuck up Bella. Eddie's going, and he's not bitching about it," James said, fluffing up McGiant's hair.

"Whatever."

* * *

James and I took the front seats of the temporary bat mobile, with James driving, and leaving the back for McGiant and McEddie. James wanted to drive, and I was too busy pouting and sulking to even think of putting up a fight.

"I fucking hate shopping," I grumbled. I heard laughter come from the backseat, and I immediately knew who it was, so I turned around to glare at the Senor.

"Shut up Eddie, or else I'll be getting you a fucking piece of coal for Christmas, no fuck that, you'll be getting a _piece of paper_ with coal written on it, because you are unworthy of my coal," I huffed, and turned back around, facing the road.

That reminds me, I still need to get presents for everyone. I made a mental shopping list.

I had to get one for James, obviously, and papa, and Sue, and probably my publisher, Laurent, and mi Madre and Phil, and Carlisle and Esme, and Jasper and Edward, because we're staying their apartment, and probably the rest of the Calles for that matter, since we'll be spending Christmas with them.

Damn, Christmas is getting expensive.

James pulled into one of the itsy-bitsy parking spots. They should really make them bigger. What if one day some truck driver decided that he wanted to buy a tee shirt. Then what? Where's he going to park? They're just going to turn his business away? Where is he supposed to go now?

Those mall assholes.

We all got out of the car, and walked to our doom- I mean the mall. Once we stepped through the big double glass doors, I was hit with a huge gust of air. Stupid, good-quality mall air-conditioning.

I should have brought a jacket or something. I looked down at my tiny shorts, and my thin Beatles t-shirt. Fuck, I should know by now, if you're anywhere in Washington, never leave home without a jacket. It's just law. Maybe my dad should arrest me.

"Where to first, oh great James?" I asked, trying to keep the shiver out of my voice.

"It's good you finally know who's in charge around here, and………." James struck his thinking pose, and I rolled my eyes.

"Hot Topic," I said, I wanted to get the prissy Laurent his present from there, as revenge for always annoying me until I give him all the chapters he wants.

James, being the awesome mind-reader he his, immediately knew what I was up to and smirked evilly, "Laurent?" I nodded with an evil grin.

"I'd love to be there when he opens it," he smirked, "his reaction will be almost as bad as if you gave _me_ something from that repulsive store."

"I know, it's payback for all those times we were woken up at ungodly hours," I smiled, and me and James high-fived.

"Wha-" McGiant started, buy Edward interrupted him.

"Don't even try to keep up, it will do you no good," Edward stated with a shake of his head. McGiant just nodded his head in understanding.

We walked to Hot Topic and I immediately went straight for the_ Twardlight, _or whatever the fuck it's called. I guess this Twinglight that everybody speaks of, is about some idiotic chick with no self-preservation who doesn't care that her sparkling boyfriend _vants to suck her blooood! _Whatever, I don't really care, but I know Laurent hated them because they signed with his rival publisher, and made them a fortune.

So I, being my thoughtful self, too it upon myself to give Laurent a 'Team Eduardo' shirt, to celebrate the holiday season.

I giggled to myself evilly. I'm so fucked up.

"I don't think so," I turned to find James and McGiant had started the commotion. Of course.

I walked over to see what they were talking about. "What's up?"

"He wants to get this shirt, but I'm not sure, it's kind of weird," James said, carefully examining the shirt.

"Do you know who the band is?" I asked, reading the name on it.

"No, does it really matter?" he said with a shrug.

Edward came up behind, "Yeah, it does dude, you can't wear the shirt of a band who's music you've never heard of, it just doesn't work."

"It a fucking law," I put in.

"That's a no," James said, hanging it back up.

* * *

We were all sitting at the food court, eating our selective meals. I had excused myself to use the restroom. There was no one here, and I was kind of creeped out. I finished up washing my hands, and checked my face in the mirror.

When I walked outside, I was checked my E-Mail on my phone, so I didn't see the brick of a man comming my way. I banged into him. Hard.

"Shit," I groaned, while rubbing the back of my head that hit the hard floor. "Sorry dude, I wasn't watching where I was going, are you okay\" I asked.

"Yeah, sorry," he grumbled in a deep voice.

I've never really had problems with anxiety, but right now.........I wouldn't say I was about to have a panick attack, but butterflies filled my stomach. And not the kind you get when you talk to someone you like, and when you see a movie that you've been waiting for to come out since april, or, whatever. These butterflies made me sick to my stomach. They made me wish that my Dad was here with me. I guess the best way to describe it would be fear, but, I don't know.

To be polite, I picked up the camera, and the.................film roll, I guess. When I handed it to him, he roughly grabbed it out of my hands. I looked up at him, perplexed. He forcced a smile, and I did too.

"Well, um, sorry, have a nice day," as soon as I said this, he all but ran away from me.

I didn't know who he was, and I don't know why I was so scared, but I do know that I would avoid ever looking into those lifeless, pale eyes ever again.

* * *

**Hey, let me know what you though of this. I wonder who the brick of a man was. **

**Hm.**

**Peace,**

**Victoria.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey People.**

**I know, I'm a dirty ho, I haven't updated for two months, and I sincerely apologize for that. I've just been so busy, with homework, and finals, and I had a dance show. I understand if you hate me...most people do. Anyway, this isn't a full chapter, but I won't be updating until probably next weekend, and I didn't want to just leave you hanging. Enjoy!**

* * *

A Brief Interlude...

My eyes followed the tank-man's retreating figure. As the distance between us increased, the anxiety building in my stomach also dimmed a bit, but didn't fade away fully. After I made entirely sure that he was completely out of the building, I finally turned around and power-walked back to our table. Once a cackling James was back into my line of vision, I started to feel a wee bit better.

"Miss me?" I asked with a wide grin. James eyed me speculatively for a moment, as I was certain he would, before forcing on one of his blinding smiles. I took a quick look around the table, and noticed that they all had ice-creams.

"Where the fuck is my-" I was interrupted by James sliding a banana split at me.

And that my dear, is what best friends are truly for.

* * *

"Don't make me make like a pimp and slap a ho."

"Bella, I'm sorry, but I refuse to watch this," Edward stated firmly, as my eyes narrowed in on him. I wanted to smack that annoying look off his face. Who the fuck is he to come in here, and change my soaps like he fucking owns the place? Okay, he does _technically '_own' the place, but no one likes technicalities anyway.

"Bella, you really want to watch a bunch of losers who have nothing better to do than tan and trade STDs with each other? And what the fuck kind of name is 'Snooki' anyway?" Edward asked disbelievingly, changing the channel to some lame ass movie on HBO. I know my Dad said violence is never the answer, but I wanted to backhand him upside his penny-head.

"You're just jealous that you can't fist pump."

Edward rolled his eyes, but still seemed offended by my comment. I grinned widely.

"Or maybe your jealous of The Situations situation. You wish you had abs like that, don't lie," I baited him. As soon as the words left my mouth, his whole body tensed up. He slowly turned to face me.

"My abs are _ten _times better than his, and I don't have to spend twelve hours a day at the gym to get them."

"Edward," I sighed, "we are all built differently, it's okay if you don't have a six pack, no one is here to judge you."

"What does this look like to you?" He grabbed the hem of his grey tee-shirt, and proceeded to pull it up, revealing his pale, and defined six pack. Shit, the Situation has nothing on Eddie.

"Shit, I need to hit the gym," I said, patting my flat stomach.

Edward chuckled, with a smug grin taking over his face. "Don't be jealous," he mimicked.

I pouted out my bottom lip, but only a little bit, and looked up at Edward through my eyelashes. "Can we please watch my soap? It's the new episode, and I don't want to miss it." His eyes softened, and I knew I had him. He begrudgingly handed me back the sleek black remote. I let out a happy -and oh so attractive- squeal.

If only I had known he was a sucker for the puppy-dog eyes nine years ago.

"Why do you even like this show?" he grumbled. I sighed, irritated.

"Edward, don't talk while my soap's on, it's just impolite."

"Your soap?"

"Shut up."

He sighed and relaxed back into the couch. I wonder what Eddie would like for Christmas. Pokemon cards? An I-Tunes gift Card? A dictionary? A team Eduardo tee-shirt? Perhaps his two front teeth? As previously mentioned, a piece of paper with the word coal written on it? So many options, so little time.

I still have to get the rest of the Calles presents too. What do you get kids who already have anything they could ever need want? I have to admit that I'm slighty tempted to buy a book of midget jokes for Alice, but decided it would be best for all parties involved if I didn't. Namely me. If an old lady could kick my ass, imagine what two pairs of stilettos could do.

"Bella, you're not even watching it."

"Eddie, what the fuck did I just say about talking!?" I scolded loudly. He fell back with a loud sigh against the couch.

Kids these days, you can't teach them shit.

I glanced at the clock, and my eyes bulged out of their sockets. "Fuck!" I exclaimed loudly, standing up and throwing the remote back to Eddie.

"What?" Edward asked, slightly alarmed.

"I'm late!" I shouted, running to my (Jasper's) room to get dressed. I searched the closet, and finally found a nice pair of pants, with a pretty, cream colored blouse. I found a pair of black heels, and grabbed my coat, as it was raining outside. I went into the bathroom, and fixed my hair a little, and applied a small amount of makeup.

When I walked back to the living room to find my keys, Edward was watching me, confused.

"I'm going to church, you welcome to come if you want," I said, looking up to find the perplexed expression on his face.

"_You_, go to church?" he asked, incredulous. I have to admit, I was a little offended by the emphasis he put on the word 'you'. I mean, sure I cuss like a sailor, and I'm too sarcastic for my own good, and I tend to make fun of people I don't know, but still.

"Yes, I do, and if you want to come, you have ten minutes before I'm leaving," I glared.

"Oh, I have to see this."

I rolled my eyes, and tapped my imaginary watch impatiently. He got up and scurried to get changed. I swear if he distracts me in the house of the Lord- I just may have to give him the good old one two.

_-Ten Minutes Later-_

"I'm ready!" the senor called as I was about to leave. I looked over to him to see what he was wearing. He had on some black slacks, a pair of black dress shoes, and an emerald green dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows.

"Somebody cleans up well, " I said, following him out of our (his) apartment, to the elevators located only a couple of feet away.

"I try," he murmured, "we should take my car today."

"I vote nay."

He narrowed his eyes at me, "And why is that?"

"Because I said so," I replied.

He mumbled something under his breath, as the elevator doors parted.

"Don't back sass me boy."

We rode the elevator down to the first floor in comfortable silence. Well it was comfortable for me, the Senor spent the whole thirty seconds scowling at me. I flashed him a sweet smile.

**To Be Continued...**


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey everyone!**

**I'm so sorry, I'm a complete loser, and I haven't updated for two months. I've just been busy. I really appreciate all the comments and such you guys have left for me. For making you all wait so long, I have a small surprise planned. You will see by the end of the week what it is, and I hope you like it. :)**

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BPOV

"Bella stop looking at me like that," Assward let out a frustrated sigh as he ran a hand through his penny-like hair.

"Stop talking. I'm visualizing all the different ways I could murder you, and you're distracting me," I narrowed my eyes at him. The stress ball I was furiously gripping in my hand, was now torn and completely deformed. I think I broke it.

"Bella I'm really sorry, but it really wasn't my fault."

"The hell it wasn't! I got banned because of you, senor! Fucking _banned_! I didn't even know that they did that to people anymore!" I shouted at him in aggravation. I imagined the exact shade of red that my hand would leave if I decided to bitch slap him across his face.

"She was violating me! What else was I supposed to do! And you didn't have to get in the middle of it!" He shouted back at me.

I felt my hand twitch.

-About an hour ago-

The tires screeched as I pulled hastily into the compact parking spot. I jumped out, not bothering to check if Eddie-boy was behind me. We only had five minutes until church started, and it would be disrespectful if we walked in late. I didn't want to start off on the wrong foot with my future congregation.

One of the very few things that my sperm donors- I mean parents, had in common was their belief in the Catholic religion. Ever since I was a wee one, I have been attending mass.

"We're not even late," Eddie says, slightly irritated. I couldn't possibly fathom why he was so irritated.

**_-Flashback Within Flashback-_**

"_Edward, I swear, if we're late…I'm not afraid to give you the good old one-two," I scowled at him, as we waited at a red light._

"_Bella, we're not even late. And even if we were, it's not my fault. I got ready in your ten minute time limit."_

_I threw a pointed look at him, and he let out an aggravated sigh._

"_Thirteen point two seconds doesn't count as being late."_

"_Yes it does. I mean, Edward, I know hair is an important thing to you, but you don't have to be so meticulous about styling it. We're going to church, not a fashion show."_

"_I do _not_ style my hair," he said through clenched teeth._

"_Eddie, I've told you time and time again, I am _not_ here to judge. This is an open enviroment."_

_He sulked the rest of the way._

**_-End of Flashback squared-_**

Yup, nothing to do with me at all.

"Let's go find seats before all the good one's are taken."

He followed behind me, and we made our way through the swarm of people and into the large hall. I led us to empty seats in the back. I kneeled down, said a quick prayer, and sat back into my seat. Everyone else started filling in the seats around us. Soon the mass started and I was diligently listening to the preacher, who I liked immediately.

But we know that all good things must come to an end.

"Oh _fuck_!" Edward whisper yelled next to me. I glared at him.

"Don't use that vile language in the house of the Lord."

He nodded his head to three rows in front of us. I looked to where he was indicating, and sighed in annoyance. I would recognize the fake strawberry blonde hair anywhere.

"Oh my flipper," I murmured, irritated at this shocking revelation. I quickly composed myself and turned back to Edward, "We are going to pretend that she isn't here. We will not cause a scene in the house of the Lord," I stated, my tone full of finality.

"Okay." I rolled my eyes at the nervous tenor in his voice.

This plan worked fine and dandy until Tanya decided to excuse herself to the restroom. Then all hell broke loose. She spotted us immediately, and briefly glared at me before shooting Eddie a flirtatious smile. Eddie stiffened.

"Calm yourself," I leant over and whispered in his ear.

I let my eyes follow her as she sauntered over to the restroom. I knew that this wasn't the end of that, but I prayed to God that she wouldn't cause a scene in front of all these people. I hoped she would just wait until after church, and then corner Eddie in the bathroom or something, while I waited in the car.

While I got lost in my thoughts, I felt Eddie grab my hand tightly in his. My head snapped up to see what he was doing, and I noticed Tanya had slid in next to Eddie, she was whispering something in his ear that made him cringe, and scoot closer to me. This process repeated until I was completely squished against the arm of the pew. I shoved him a little bit, and in return he wrapped his arms around me, picked me up, and placed me in his lap.

I yelped.

"Edward, put me down or I swear…" I mumbled angrily. His arms only tightened.

Tanya seemed to feel the same as I did about this new position, as she narrowed her eyes into little slits and glared at me.

I leant over to her and whispered, "If you keep glaring, you face will get stuck like that."

I swear on Eddie's life, she _growled _at me. I pouted at her, I was just trying to help a sister out. I leaned back onto Edward and took his hands into mine. Take _that_ Tawny. She kept her focus on our hands as I intertwined our fingers.

Her crazy eyes met mine for a nanosecond before shoved me off of Eddies lap. I fell to the floor. Everyone around us was staring, and the priest had stopped talking, but I couldn't control myself. I lunged at her.

I was seconds away from hitting her plastic nose when Edward grabbed me and pulled me away from her.

Two ushers came and one grabbed her also. We were all dragged out of the side door.

"This is unacceptable behavior. We don't need you kids coming and disrupting mass while others are trying to pay attention. Please leave, and don't come back," one usher said in a gruff voice.

The three of us stood there in silence once they left. I eventually stomped off in the direction of the car. Edward followed behind me quickly. I sat down and slammed the door closed.

Edward quickly sat down and I glowered at him.

**-Present Time-**

"You pulled me onto your lap," I growled at dumbward. OH SHIT! Those crazies have me doing it too now! I put my head between my hands and sighed.

"I am in no position to drive," I said getting out of the car so I could switch spots with idiotward.

"You bitch!" The banshee screamed from across the parking lot, running at me. Now I had a couple different options. A, I could go all animal channel on her crazy ass. B, I could ignore her and drive away. C, I could step a couple feet to my left and let her slide in her pumps on fall straight on her face onto the black asphalt.

"Ow!!!" she yelled, standing up, and dusting herself off. The was a big scrape on her cheek, but it wasn't really bleeding.

"Listen you crazy ass psychopath, stay the fuck away from me. Stay the fuck away from Eddie. Just stay the _fuck_ away in general. I'm the last fucking person you want to get into it with. I will fuck your shit up, and even more, I'll do it with the biggest smile you will ever see," I said making her cower back even though she had a good ten inches on me.

I was inside the car, and Edward was ready to drive away when the she-devil decided to make herself known again. "It's on bitch!" she screamed at me.

"Whatever you say, Wildenstein," I called out calmly, "but a little piece of advise; don't fuck with the certifiably insane."

**EPOV**

Holy shit. Bella was seething in her seat next to me, and I didn't dare say a word. I had no doubt in my mind that Bella wouldn't hesitate to give me the "good old, one-two", and although I'm not entirely sure of it's meaning, it scared the shit out of me.

We hadn't even come to a complete stop when she hopped out and slammed her door closed. The sound made me involuntarily flinch. I silently trailed behind her as she stomped up the stairs. I contemplated asking her why she didn't use the elevator, but quickly decided against it.

Once we stopped at our door, she looked at me expectantly. I quickly unlocked it and stepped out of her way. As quietly as I could, I sat on the couch, and waited. She came out of the kitchen with a bag of Oreos, a tin of guacamole, some potato chips, and a glass, and a gallon of orange juice. She went straight to Jasper's room.

I groaned and sat down on the couch. A few minutes later, my phone rang.

"Hey little brother!" Alice chirped in to the phone.

"I'm older and bigger than you Alice. In no way, shape, or form am I your little brother." We have this exact conversation almost every time we see or talk to each other.

"Technicalities. Anyway, we all want to come over later. We'll bring Chinese, and be there in approximately twenty minutes." she told me.

"I should be thankful that you all haven't just barged in, like you are so incredibly prone to do, and I know that every time I ask this question, you repeatedly ignore me, but could you find it in your heart to actually call and _ask_ before you decide that you will be coming over? Has it ever occurred to you that I may have plans?" I inquired.

"The thought has crossed my mind, but you always tell me not to ask stupid questions, so…"

"Ha ha, you're so funny Alice. I just can't control my raging laughter."

"I _know_ I'm funny little brother," she giggled deviously, and continued on, "Emmett rented some movies too."

"All humor aside, now really isn't a great time," I mumbled apprehensively.

"It's always a great time for Chinese and movies," she waved off my refusal. Typical Alice.

"Bella's not in the best of moods," I stated delicately, hoping Bella couldn't hear our conversation."

"Why? What did you do?" she questioned.

"It's nice how you just assume it was me," I pouted indignantly.

"No offense Edward, but with her…" she trailed her voice off, but didn't continue her thought, "well what happened?"

"Well, we went to church, and-"

"Bella goes to church?"

"Yes, and please refrain from interrupting me, and we ran into Tanya-" I was once again cut of by her loud little cackle.

"I wish I was there!" she laughed into the phone, "what happened? She didn't start anything in the House Of The Lord, did she?"

"It ended with Bella telling her if she didn't stay the fuck away, she would "fuck her shit up, and do it with a big smile on her face". Bella needs a little time to simmer down."

"Tanya's a dirty little slut," Alice mumbled angrily under her breath, most likely reflecting back on the Thanksgiving Tanya crashed. "Well, I guess we won't come over then, but soon, brother. Soon." And she hung up.

I decided to order a pizza in hopes of luring Bella out of Jasper's room to try and see what was going on in her…eccentric…brain. I slowly walked over to the closed door, and knocked quietly. She didn't respond, she I knocked slightly louder. I was about to knock again, but the door opened up before I could.

"Did it ever occur to you that I heard you, but I just didn't want to open the door?" she asked, but she had on a giddy smile that I didn't trust.

"What are you up to?" I asked suspiciously.

"I warned the bitch."

"You know what? I don't even want to know what's going on. I just wanted to tell you that I ordered a pizza."

"Wonderful," she grinned, rubbing her hands together.

"Let's go watch a movie. It's up to you to entertain me tonight. James has a date tonight," she smirked.

"How nice for him." If only a certain gorgeous little brunette would decide to start liking me, we could double. I of course didn't mention that last part out loud.

"Yup, he really needs to get laid. He gets really cranky," she huffed.

I was two steps away from offering my own personal services for the crankiness depletion if she ever needed it, but figured it was probably best not to.

**BPOV**

"What else did you order?" I asked.

"Soda, breadsticks-" he started, but was quickly cut off by me.

"With the sauce?"

"With the sauce. Salad, and a small spaghetti."

"Small?" I pouted.

"It's not healthy to each so much food. You have to have at least some sort of boundaries."

"Whatevers. Teen Mom's on right now." I sulked all the way to the couch. Mother fucker thinks he can give me "boundaries". Oh hailsnow.

"I thought we were watching a movie?" Cruelward asked.

"Well, I thought you knew me well enough to order a decent amount a food. I guess things don't always happen the way you expect them," I glared at him.

He sighed and rolled his eyes at me.

"What's with you and these brainless MTV shows?"

"What's with you and trying to set unnecessary boundaries for me?" I questioned back at him.

"Next time I promise that I will order the biggest size they have, okay?"

"That's all I ask."

He once again rolled his eyes at me, and I didn't like it. "That's a terrible habit. I suggest you work on it, before it gets to the point of uncontrollability."

"I greatly appreciate your advice," he muttered sarcastically, turning on the TV.

"As you should."

After about twenty minutes, Edward was really getting into it, commenting every five minutes. "That kid is such a little asshole. Why doesn't she just break up with him already?" We were currently on the episode featuring Nikkole and Josh.

"Because she's an idiot, and he's a doucher, and that makes great television," I told him.

"But look at how he's talking to her mom! Someone needs to teach that kid some manners," he mumbled angrily. I giggled at him. He was so entertaining. We were interrupted by a loud _DING!!! _I rubbed my grubby little hands together excitedly.

"Here," I said, rising up so I could search for my wallet, but a hand stopped me.

"No, I'll pay," he stated firmly. I raised my eyebrows.

"I'll pay."

"Stop being stubborn," Eddie sighed, exasperated.

"You are debasing me by means of seizing my opportunity to purchase this palatable serving of food we are going to be gorging on this sundown. This is most unquestionably not desired, morally right, and exceedingly unappreciated. You are obliged to me an admission of guilt, and I wish to collect that at the present time."

"I'm still paying for the pizza," Edward declared, making his way to the ringing door to purchase the pizza.

Me and Edward were now sitting, enjoying our pizza, still watching the reunion with Dr. Drew of _16 and Pregnant. _I checked my watch, and realized it was time to give the possible rescue call to James.

I patiently enjoyed the music while my party was reached.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Hey buddy, how's it going?"

"What mom? There's been a terrible accident?" his voice turned from pleasant to frantic in under five seconds.

"Did you already eat? 'Cause we have food…" I rambled on.

"Grandma might not make it?" I could practically picture him squeezing out the fake tears.

"There's pizza, soda, spaghetti, breadsticks," I informed him, cutting my eyes to Edward to see him scoffing at me.

"Okay, mom, I'll be there right away," his voice was full of phony emotion.

"And before you ask, with the sauce."

* * *

"It was terrible!" James screeched out at us, as he barged in through the door.

"Tell Dr. Bella all about it," I said, serving him some pizza and spaghetti.

"Is it just me, or does this spaghetti look smaller than normal?" James asked, studying the container.

I cast a glare toward Eddie. He sighed.

"So what happened?" I asked James again.

James proceeded to tell us all about his atrocious date, which I found highly entertaining. He was interrupted by another _DING!!! _When I opened the door, no one was there, but there was a decorative pink envelope, with the word 'bitch' written prettily across it. I assumed it was meant for me.

_Luk owt ur windo bich._

_-Tanya_

I looked out my window.

"OH MY FUCKING COW! THAT MOTHER FUCKING BITCH!!! SHE KEYED MY CAR!!! I'M GOING TO KILL HER. NO, I'M GOING TO TORTURE, AND THEN I'M GOING TO KILL HER! I DON'T EVEN CARE IF I GET SENT TO PRISON, IT'LL BE WORTH IT!"

"Bells, calm down, what happened?" James asked, coming over to pat my head. I just pointed outside. James gasped, and also started mumbling curses.

Edward also came over, an began to curse. I calmed myself. She obviously had no idea who she was messing with.

I meant what I said earlier. Don't fuck with the certifiably insane.

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**I hope you liked this chapter, although it probably wasn't worth the wait. I'm working on my special surprise right now. And remember, don't fuck with the certifiably insane.**

**-Victoria.**


	16. Chapter 16

**I'm a dirty little skank ho, and this is most definitely not worth what I have made you guys wait. I hope you enjoy this little bit that I wrote.**

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BPOV

James and the senor watched, mouths fully agape, as I bolted out the door as fast as my little stubs would allow. I seemed to just appear in the parking lot, no opening of any doors, or elevator riding necessary. Probably, I looked like an escaped Arkum Asylum patient. And if we're being honest, I kind of _am_ an escaped Arkum Asylum patient.

My radar caught straw-like, artificially strawberry blonde hair was blowing in the wind. The moronic body attached to the hair was running to her car.

Oh hells to the mother fucking no.

I broke into a full out run, and tackled her to the ground.

"AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH," she screamed.

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU, BITCH!" I screamed as I turned her around and socked her in the face.

"NOT THE NOSE!" Suddenly, she looked like the chick from _The Exorcist_. Whenever someone turns exorcist on your ass, it's always a good idea to run like the breeze and hope they don't fucking catch you. I rolled off her, and tried to stand, but she grabbed my ankle, and brought me tumbling down again.

"NOBODY TOUCHES THE NOSE!" she screamed at me, and then punched me so hard that my head slammed back against the asphalt. _We're in the fucking making of Red Asphalt Six_...was the last thought in my crazy ass brain before everything went black.

**-One Hour Later-**

"She should be waking up soon," I heard a familiar voice say, but my head was spinning, so I couldn't place who it belonged to.

I let myself have a minute to refocus. "What the fuck happened to me?" I finally questioned. My vision was slightly blurry, but I could make out the shapes of Dr. C and Edward leaning over me.

"Um…there was an accident," Edward murmured softly.

"That fucking bitch knocked me out, didn't she?" I growled. It all came back to me. That beast of a woman turned me into a fucking animal.

"Bella, watch your language." I glanced up, and Dr. C. was giving me a firm warning look, which I affectionately call the 'bitch better watch herself glare'.

"Okay, okay, just don't look at me like that," I mumbled.

I hate that look more than I hate the color yellow. I've gotten the bitch better watch herself glare many times growing up, and it's not pleasant. Ugh._ I fucking hate that look._

"Why aren't we at the hospital?" I asked, taking in my surroundings and discovering I was lying on our(Edward and Jasper's) couch.

"I thought you would feel more comfortable here…" viciousward let his voice trail off. "I tried to tell him, Bella," Carlisle shook his head.

"Do you not know me at all?" I asked.

"What?" Edward was clearly confused.

"I live for that shit! Please explain Dr. C."

"Bella loves the attention. She always makes the nurses and orderlies wait on her hand and foot. She enjoys the sympathy she receives," Carlisle explained.

"I'm an attention whore," I shrugged unapologetically.

"I told you to watch your language. And that's an understatement. I remember one time, when you were about six. Andrew Fuller was babysitting you while Charlie was out. You got a paper cut, and you made Andrew walk you all the way to the hospital to get it checked. When we gave you the batman bandage you demanded, you forced poor Andrew to roll you out in a wheelchair."

"All the way home," I smirked to myself.

"Well from now on, if you get hurt in any way shape or form, I will make sure you get brought in by an ambulance," Edward informed me.

"That's all I ask."

"Well Bella, you should be fine, just take some Advil, and rest," Dr. C. went back to doctor mode, "also, it's going to bruise, so you'll need to ice it."

"But don't I need to get x-rays? We could- never mind," I mumbled, ducking my head down.

I rested on the couch, while Eddie walked Dr. C. out. When he came back I glared at him.

"I'm really sorry Bella," he hung his head down.

"You should be. What happened to the slue anyway. And where's James?" I asked.

"Slue?" he shook his head an continued, "she left. I don't know where she went. James got called in to work. He said he was going to bring you your calming candles. Or something like that."

"Good. We have a lot of planning to do."

* * *

"Don't worry Bellsarina, we'll get that bitch back good," James reassured as I checked out the nasty bruise that was left on my cheek.

"I hope this heals soon," I murmured, gently pressing the ice to it.

James spoke up, "We could go to a random police station, and spew some bullshit about Eddie beating you. Then they'll have to arrest him at his fancy college in front of all his little friends."

We both cracked up at that.

"He's too much of a pretty boy to last in jail," James sighed.

"Don't I know it."

"Hey Bells?" James asked after a few minutes.

"Yeah?" I answered, and turned to face him.

"I forgot my Lucky Lefty Lucy back in the apartment," James mumbled nervously.

I gasped, "Holy Fuckballs."

"I know!" he started pacing. You see, Lucky Lefty Lucy is his favorite pair of left handed scissors. Many moons ago, when he was six years old, his favorite passed them down to him right before he died. Since this is an open enviroment, and I will not be judged, I have to admit that I think thats a creepy ass present. But whatever. Anywho, the point is, they are at point y, while we are at point a.

"What do we do?" I asked.

"I need them. But I'd rather eat broccoli than go back to that apartment," James bit at his lip.

"We could pay someone?"

We both shook our heads at that.

"How about we wait till Eddie gets home, and then we make him go first?" I suggested.

"I vote yay."

When the Senor _finally_ came home, it was already eleven o'clock, and he looked like shitake mushrooms. He barely nodded a hello, and went straight to his room. Within minutes the sound of his snores filled the apartment.

"Probably right now isn't a good time," James said. I nodded my head in agreement and we both went to sleep.

It was probably around eight when I woke up, but it felt like five. My aching back, and stiff neck alerted me to the fact that something was off. I took a look around and realized it was because I was on the floor. "What the fuck James," I brought my little paw up to massage my neck.

"In the middle of the night you stole all the blanket, so I may have accidentally pushed you, and you may have accidentally fallen. You looked really comfortable, so I just left you. Look! I even gave you my pillow," James was not in the least bit sorry.

I gave him my best bitch glare.

"Is Eddie home?" I yawned, "We need to get your scissors."

"I don't know, the sound of your whining just woke me up," James gave me _his _best bitch glare. We both giggled at each other, and then went on a hunt for Eddie. Well, first we went to eat some pop tarts, and _then_ we went on a hunt for Eddie.

He was still asleep in his bed. We shared a brief nod, and catapulted ourselves onto the bed. I stood on one side of the bed, and James stood on the other, we intertwined our hands, and began to play ring around the Eddie.

"Ring around the Eddie!" we sang, "pocket full of Teddies! Ashes! Ashes! We all fall down!" And then we fell down.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Senor groaned and pushed his face into the pillow as if it would drown us out. Hah! He should know better by now. Nothing can stop the invincible dynamic duo that are we!

We repeated _Ring Around the Eddie_ two more times before Eddie finally took his head out of the pillow and began to watch. I'm pretty sure he was thinking about laughing.

He suddenly spoke up, "I think you guys are tired, and want to play the quiet game now."

"We think you want to come with us to our apartment, so if there is a rapist and\or murderer they will get you first and we can escape," we mumbled in unison. When we said it out loud, it sounded kind of bad, so I quickly added on, "To get help for you of course."

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**I know it's hardly anything, but that's all I have for now. I'm starting the next chapter right now.**

**-Victoria**


	17. Chapter 17

****

Hey guys! I know it's been a long time. I had to read and do a project on _The Iliad_. Do you guys know how long that book is, and really very boring. I promise that my next udpade will be in at the most, two weeks. I hope you guys enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

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"As appealing as it sounds to be your own personal human sacrifice, I'm going to have to say no."

"Please," James begged, "if I don't get my scissors, I'll do a terrible job at work, and then they'll fire me, and then I won't have any money, and then I'll have to live on the streets, and then one day someone will come and shank me in my sleep."

"Then you'll be sorry," I added.

"I have things to do today," Eddie mumbled into his pillow.

"Organizing your hair products doesn't count as 'things', Edward," I told him.

"I was supposed to meet Emmett at the gym."

"We'll go with you!" James shouted, as if a light bulb went off in his apparently demented head.

**_-Flashback Sophomore Year-_**

"_Swan! Keep those knees up!" Coach Carlson yelled at me from the opposite end of the track._

"_No!" I whimper-yelled back at him._

"_You're lucky this is all I'm making you do! I could have given you a suspension for all that you put me through," he shouted at me. I could hear him mumble other things under his coffee-scented breath that suspiciously resembled; uncooperative, lazy..._

"_Don't remind me," I mumbled with a scowl._

_By the time I made it to him, I was panting so loud it was embarrassing, and sweat was dripping off me in fucking buckets._

"_Twenty-one minutes and forty-three seconds. That's pathetic Swan," Coach grumbled as he marked down my time. _

_I was now lying flat on my back, trying to control my awkward breathing. "Fuck. I think I pulled something," I panted out._

"_Language! Good Lord, Swan! Just go get dressed," Coach let out a frustrated sigh._

_I limped all the way back to the locker rooms._

**_-End Flashback-_**

"The hell we will!" I shouted in horror.

Edward popped up, Cheshire cat-like smile firmly in place. "No, I like it. If you two would do me and Emmett the _honor _of accompanying us to the gym," his words were heavily laced with sarcasm, "then I'll go and take any bullets or flying daggers that are aimed for you."

"Have fun James," I said, turning to walk out.

"No, _both_ of you are coming," he put extra stress on the both.

"I don't do physical activities of any variety."

"That's the point," he smirked at me.

"Oh! I can pick out our outfits! This will be so much fun," James flittered off.

I turned my glare back to Edward, "Why so sadistic?"

"Hey," he held his palms up in a surrendering fashion, "I'm just trying to keep up with the master."

"It's an unattainable objective. I would give up while I continue to be ahead."

Before I realized what was happening, Edward snaked his arm around my waist and pulled me down, so I was pressed tightly against his toned body.

"Hey! Let me go!" I screeched like a banshee.

"No!" he mimicked me.

"I'm going to sue your ass for sexual harassment. You'll be hearing from my attorney."

Edward started to nuzzle the crook of my neck, and if we're being honest, it wasn't an all that unpleasant sensation. "_You_ jumped into _my_ bed sweetheart," he said, pulling the warm blankets tighter around us.

"Technicality."

He sniffed my neck, and it kind of tickled, "You smell like strawberries," he mumbled.

"It was the pop tart."

"Bella! Get your lazy ass in here! We have to get dressed!" James called from what sounded like the closet in our(Jasper's) bedroom.

"I was just getting comfortable too…" I mumbled into. He snorted, and released his hold on me. "I'm coming!" I called out, walking sluggishly all the way back. I'd really rather not go to the gym. I'll probably end up falling and fracturing some important body part- well, I guess they're all kind of important, because if they weren't they probably wouldn't be there to start with, right?- and then I'll die.

And that just ruins any chance I have of dying an honorable death in Vietnam.

When I finally reached the bedroom, James had already laid out all our clothes on the bed, and was getting in the shower. This confused me, because why would you shower, to only get all sweaty again? But I guess the whole hygiene thing plays into it as well, I mean you probably want to avoid the hobo look. Although hobos are kind of cool when you really think about it. And also-

What the fuck.

This was the only thought that crossed my mind as I further inspected the clothes that James had laid out. Had he stopped at the black sports bra, and little, stretchy, black short-shorts, I would have thrown a teeny-weeny tantrum. Not even a tantrum a… _very small fit of temper_. But no, what caused my paroxysm, was the hot-pink matching set laid beside them; a hot-pink tee-shirt with the shoulders cut off, hot-pink leg warmers, and hot-pink sweatbands.

James was whistling when he came back in from his shower, clad only in a pink fluffy towel.

"Put some fucking clothes on, I refuse to kill a naked guy. People would think things."

"Why aren't you dressed?" his blue eyes went as big as sausages, or whatever the fuck that retarded saying is. Sewers? Skyscrapers? As big as slinkoskies?

"Because I didn't know we were going to the gym with Cyndi Lauper."

"Just put on the clothes Isabella," he growled at me.

They have him doing it now too!

"I can't go…I'm sick," I crossed my arms over my chest, jutted out my hip, and glared at him, "cough."

He mirrored my position, "If you don't put the clothes on right now, I'll have Eddie hold you down and I'll change you myself."

I narrowed my eyes so small that I couldn't see out of them, but I didn't care. "You wouldn't."

"Don't test me Bitch." he glared at me.

Ten minutes later I was dressed.

I pouted as we walked out, looking like fucking five-year-old twins in our matching hot pink outfits. Edward was laughing his fucking ass off. It took all the strength I possessed to not hit him.

Emmett was waiting for us in the parking complex, and from the very moment I got into his BFG-like Jeep, I knew he was waiting to make some sort of comment about our attire. But to my bolt-from-the-blue, he only greeted us with a friendly, "Hello."

I eyed him suspiciously, but James and I still replied, "Hey."

"It's always a pleasure to see you two," he snorted.

"Yeah, a fucking pleasure," I mumbled. The whole ride there, he kept throwing smug grins at me through the rearview mirror. At first I just ignored him, but that didn't seem to deter him.

A slow, Grinch-like smile slid onto my face. I looked at James and the Senor through my peripheral vision, and they were both just staring out the window, not aware of any of the goings on. I then cleared my face, as to not betray my plan, and I gave Emmett's seat a swift kick.

"Hey!."

I put a confused look on my face, "What the fuck are you mumbling on about?"

"Don't kick my seat!"

"No one kicked your seat Emmett," Edward said with a roll of his eyes.

"She did!" Emmett shrieked with indignation.

"Why would she kick your seat Emmett?" Edward asked, humoring him.

"Yeah Emmett," I taunted, throwing a smirk at him through the mirror, "why would I kick your seat?"

"Well-um-because-" Edward interrupted Emmett's unintelligible mumblings.

"You just like to cause trouble, stop it." I threw another smirk at Emmett.

Once the chaos had died down, and I was absolutely sure that James and the Senor were looking elsewhere, I kicked him again, except this time with a little more force.

"Stop it!" He yelled.

"You need to take some Prozac and calm the fuck down," James told him.

Foolward nodded his head in agreement, "Emmett, I know you're still mad about the movie thing, but you need to let it go."

"Forgive and forget…" James added again.

"Yeah, Emmett," I sighed, "I don't appreciate the way in which you are speaking to me. In fact, I think you should apologize."

"Stop kicking my seat!"

"I accept."

"I never-"

"Oh look we're here!" I exclaimed happily.

Emmett huffed in aggravation as he pulled into an empty parking space. Emmett and Edward led the way, and me and James followed. James tugged on my head, indicating he wanted me to pull back slightly.

"That was evil," he whispered to me.

"I know," I giggled.

Once we were inside, Emmett and Edward went straight for the locker rooms. Apparently, that's what "real" athletes do. I personally didn't really give a shit, but James was upset that we weren't enjoying the full "gym experience".

"At least we know for next time," James sighed.

"Over my dead body there'll be a next time."

"We'll see," James said, but something across the room caught his attention. I rolled my eyes. Some dude was totally eye-fucking him. James put on his flirty face. _Ugh._ I know what this means.

"See you in a while crocodile," he tapped my nose, and was off in the dude's direction.

Oh fuck. I hate this. I walked awkwardly over to one of the machines, so I wouldn't look like a fucking loser, standing alone by the doors. I stepped on the foreign device, not exactly sure what to do with it.

I pressed a button, and suddenly the little screen lit up. It surprised me and I screeched and jumped almost ten feet in the air. Panic coursed through my veins as I felt myself falling backwards. I opened my mouth to let out a dramatic screech. If I was going to fall, the whole damn world better know it.

But before I could accomplish my mission, two familiar, strong arms wrapped around my waist and set me firmly back on two feet. I sighed in relief, and turned to Eddie-boy.

I placed a hand over my heart and let out a deep breath, "I almost died."

"I think since I saved you, I deserve a reward," he grinned, rocking back on forth on his heels.

"I think not."

"But you almost died!" he mocked me.

"A gentleman would never ask for a reward," I shook my head at him, "Esme would _not_ approve."

"Whatever, let's go find Emmett," he paused and looked at me for a minute. "You _were_ kicking him, weren't you?" he finally asked.

"Who, me?"

"I should've known."

"Where is the big guy anyway?" I questioned.

"He went to go sign you and James up as guests, unless you'd like a full membership…"

"Ha ha! You're so fucking hilarious! Ha ha!"

"We aim to please," he smirked.

There were a few seconds of silence before I broke it, "What now?"

"Emmett wanted us to wait for him, he wanted to give you and James a full work-out. Although it looks as if James is quite indisposed at the moment…" Edward and I both took a moment to watch James flirt is ass off.

I saw his moment of distraction as the perfect opportunity to make my great escape, but a large, strong hand grabbed onto back of my shirt just as I took my first step toward freedom.

"You're not going anywhere little one," Emmett's voice boomed loudly, and he dragged me to some weird station with mats, and giganotosaurus bouncy balls.

"How come you're not dragging James here against his will?" I whined.

"And cockblock him? I think not," he smiled. He then tried to push me into some freaky position onto one of the blue, mutant bouncy balls. I stuck my hands out in front of me in a 'get the fuck away from me' gesture.

"Whoa! You don't know me like that!"

He rolled his eyes at me, "I'm getting you ready to do sit-ups."

"Is that the rapist code?" I quirked an eyebrow at him, "Sit-ups?"

"No. The exercise ball helps the-"

"FIRE!" I shouted, not loud enough to cause commotion, but loud enough for the people around us to stare at me.

"What the hell are you doing?" Emmett asked, self-consciously looking around the gym to see who was watching.

"If you're in danger of getting raped, your supposed to yell fire so someone will come and help," I told him matter-of-factly. "People don't respond well to RAPE!" I yelled again.

"Will you stop that?" he asked me, trying to hide his face from the crowd of onlookers that began to surround us.

"Well I wouldn't have to yell if I hadn't forgot my rape whistle…"

"I don't even-"

"Five years."

"What?" Emmett was clearly confused.

"That's the amount of jail time you would probably serve. Unless I'm not your first victim. Maybe when I tell the police, it'll give all the others the courage to come forward too."

"Is there a problem here?" some petite blonde with a nametag that read 'Lynn' interrupted.

"No," we both answered at the same time. In a normal situation, I would try to get him in some sort of trouble, just for my own twisted entertainment, but I'm sure that would lead to some kind of argument. Then that would probably lead to us getting banned from here too. And being banned from two different places in the same week would only wound my already fragile ego.

"Well, it seems like you two are disrupting my gym," she jutted out her hip.

Me and Emmett shared a quick nod.

I glowered at her, and crossed my arms over my chest, "It's because we're black isn't it!" She just stared at us, completely dumbfounded.

Yeah bitch, that's why you don't mess with the big dogs.

"I'm tired of the shit!" Emmett boomed and threw his arms up in the air dramatically. "Can't go anywhere without stupid little white kids who think they have problems popping my flow!"

"Oh hot damn! Bitch, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself." And then I did the head thing.

I heard a very distinct groan from our audience. I held back my giggles.

"Oh-um-I-err," she stuttered, "I'm sorry, please don't tell my boss. I swear I'm not racist." And she ran away.

We both started doing the running-man, and started to sing, "This is how we do it, this is how we do it."

* * *

"I swear I can't take you two anywhere!" Eddie was clearly exasperated.

"Bitch was all up in our grills!" Emmett shouted from the back seat.

Five seconds after our victory dance, Edward came and dragged us to the BFG-jeep. James had left ten minutes earlier with his buck fuddy, so he missed our entire exchange. Now, Emmett and I were receiving a Carlisle worthy chastisement.

"Why is the white man always trying to put us brotha's down?" I asked.

"Equality!"

"Why can't we be friends?" I started to sing, and Emmett quickly joined along.

Edward was mumbling unintelligibly, and gripping the steering tightly. He pulled the jeep in front of our(Edward\Jasper's) apartment. We all got out, and Emmett and I did a complex handshake before he got back in the front seat.

"Stay gold, pony boy," I yelled out as he drove away. He flashed me a peace sign through the window.

The whole way up the elevator and to our apartment, he continued to scold me, while I kept interrupting with song lyrics that I knew would annoy him.

"We need a Christmas tree, and Christmas lights. Dude, where the fuck are our decorations? Christmas is the _most wonderful time! Of the year!_" I sang. I cleared my throat, "But really, I refuse to stay in a home that is void of Christmas decorations." I followed him to the kitchen.

"Don't worry about it. Alice has it covered," he told me, "this is what she does."

I was about to comment but a knock on the door interrupted me. It's here! I jumped up and down and started to clap my hands. When they knocked again, I ran to the door and opened.

"Pedro Cantini?" a man asked in a gruff voice.

"That's me!" I tried to grab at his clipboard, but he held it away from me.

"You're Pedro?" he asked, looking me up and down.

"Do you have a problem with that?" I glared at him.

He shook his head, and was off within minutes. Edward came to see what the commotion was about.

"Why did you give them Pedro?" Edward yelled from the kitchen.

"So none of the evidence will point back to me!" I yelled back, and went in the hallway to see my babies. Edward soon followed.

"What the fuck are those?" He asked, completely in awe.

I grinned, "Those my dear Eddie, are revenge."

* * *

**I hope you guys enjoyed. Although it was another somewhat filler chapter. I swear that my next update will be incredibly long, and amazingly entertaining. Tell me guys what you think!**

**Peace,**

**Victoria.**


	18. Chapter 18

_**Previously on Welcome Home Bella Swan…**_

"_What the fuck are those?" He asked, completely in awe._

_I grinned, "Those my dear Eddie, are revenge."_

**BPOV**

I am an evil genius. I am a wicked mastermind. I am a sinful fiend. I am the mother fucking Harley Quinn of Forks, Washington. No, fuck that. I'm the _Joker _of Forks, Washington! Or I could be the Poison Ivy, or Catwoman, or the Riddler, or Mr. Freeze, or Killer-Croc, or Firefly or-

Or maybe I should just go and open my box.

I did a happy little skip-step towards my precious crates, but was suddenly jerked back roughly. My eyes shot up to look at Edward, who's hand was tightly wrapped around my upper arm. He smiled at me apologetically and dropped his hand, but it was still wrapped firmly around my wrist.

I sighed loudly, "Oh hot damn. What is it now?"

"Don't go touch those things, what if one of them bites you?" he asked, eyeing the cages, like one was going to fucking pop out and attack.

"Then I'll DIE," I told him dryly with a roll of my eyes.

"If one of them-"

"Chillax Eddie-boy. They're not real," I told him, hoping to appease him so he would let go of my wrist.

"But look at that one! It's moving!" he pointed at one of my little precious's, who was in fact moving. Sigh. He's so fucking needy. _I wonder if all caregivers feel this way…_

"They have sound and motion sensors in them. They're trained to move at loud annoying sounds like your voice, and also when people get close. Their main utilization is in haunted houses and Halloween stores, and the drama geeks are starting to get into them as well," I paused so I could take a quick breath, "you may occasionally see them in low-budget films."

"Oh."

I rolled my eyes and abruptly wrenched my hand away from him. Fuck, that hurt, I pouted as I rubbed my wrist gently.

"I'll sue your ass for domestic abuse, how 'bout them apples?" I mumbled to myself quietly.

"Huh?"

"Nothing."

"How did you get them?" he asked curiously, peering inside over my shoulder.

"My step-brother works in manufacturing," I murmured distractedly. Upon closer inspection, they looked extremely life-like, but once you held one in your hand, it was pretty obvious that it wasn't real. Stupid bitch won't know the difference.

I mentally gave myself a nice big pat on the back. I, and I'm sure most others, assumed outdoing myself is an impossible and unachievable goal, but I guess I am just that amazing.

"You have a step brother!" he asked incredulously.

"So fucking nosy. Yes, Jacob, he's twenty-seven, lives in Chicago, and is married to a nice woman named Leah. Now, help me carry these in, I don't want anyone to overhear just in case the evidence points back to us, then I'll explain my plan."

"Fuck. I'll probably end up getting put in prison as an accessory," he mumbled under his breath, and I just grinned back at him.

"They'll be way too busy looking for Pedro Cantini to even consider you as a suspect," I reassured him.

Once all the crates and the other boxes I ordered were placed in the apartment and safely out of view, I plopped down on the couch, totally exhausted. Edward sat down next to me and looked at me expectantly.

"Can we eat first? Exercising is hard work."

After we had ordered two of everything from some little Chinese restaurant, Edward sat down.

I smiled to myself. I am such a genius it's not even funny. They'll probably put me in the history books of the next generation. There will be a huge picture of my face, right next to people like: Napoleon Bonaparte, Fidel Castro, Ivan the Terrible. You know, all the greats.

One can only dream…

"You're doing that thing where you smile creepily to yourself again. Please get to the story, the suspense is killing me," Edward said sardonically.

And so I started my tale.

"After the whole defaming of my baby, and the parking lot…incident. I was so fucking mad. I threw things at walls, I bit up pillows. I even went and submitted my story to . But, after I used my calming candles, I started to think rationally."

"I-" he started

"Don't interrupt! It's impolite. So, I think that maybe I could try to set her car on fire while she's in class, you know, tit for tat and all that shit? But that'd be no good because she could always get a new one. I would much rather leave something more…emotionally scarring.

"When Tawny was little, apparently she had this thing for horror movies. But one day, she watched the movie _It_, you know with the clown thing? She wouldn't sleep in her own bed for weeks. It traumatized her or whatever so-"

"Didn't it have that huge spider that-" his eyes cut to the hundreds of ugly little robot spiders sitting in their crates. "_Oh._ I get it now."

I giddily smiled, "yeah."

He went over to one of the crates, and took one of the spiders in his hands.

"How did you find all of this out?" He asked, using his pointer finger to push it around.

"I can't divulge any personal information. I signed a contract."

"Of course you did."

* * *

I was woken up to someone banging loudly on the front door. I did a long, stretching yawn, and went to see who it was. I was the only one home, so I really hoped it wasn't Tawny's granny coming to kick my ass.

"Bella!" McGiant stormed his way through the door, running his hand through his hair nervously.

"Calm yourself! I don't do noise so early in the morning."

"I have a problem!" he screeched, and sat down on the couch.

"Don't we all. What is your problem?" I asked him, going into the kitchen to make some breakfast. And by to make some breakfast, I mean to put some pop-tarts in the toaster, and mix some chocolate syrup with milk.

When I walked back to the living room, with my gourmet _Top Chef _worthy meal in hand, he was groaning and was holding his head in his hands.

"I have a date."

I chortled, "I thought you said you have a _problem_."

"I've never been on date before!" he exclaimed, "I have no idea what to do. I don't know what to say! I don't know what to wear! I don't know where I should take her! I've never been so unprepared in my life!"

I interrupted his mumblings, "Dude you need to calm the fuck down. I'm not above slapping you like they do in the movies. Actually I'd probably enjoy it…"

He took a few deep breaths, "I need you to help me."

"Well James and I can get you the clothes, and Edward will give you some more pointers and places to go-"

He disrupted me, "Please don't tell James and Edward about this. They'll think I'm a loser, but they'll to be nice to say anything. You'll tell me when I look like an idiot, and I already _know_ you think I'm a loser."

"Can't deny the truth," I nodded my head, "what do you want me to do?"

"Well besides the clothes and restaurants thing, I was kind of hoping you'd maybe, possibly, kind of sort of ."

"First of all, don't mumble, it's a turn off. Second of all, that's so fucking creepy, so I'm saying hell to the mother fucking no, I will not go with you." Why am I surrounded by so many fucking weirdos? Story of my fucking life.

"Please? You can just sit at the table next to us. No one will ever know. I'll pay for your meal! Please?" He widened his eyes and pouted at me.

"UH-no."

"I'll bring you pounds of Ghirardelli chocolate back from my business meeting in San Francisco next week."

"How 'bout no?"

"I'll buy you every single _Lifetime _movie there is on DVD."

"Nope."

"I'll pay for a shopping spree at _ToysRUs_."

"Tempting, but no."

"I'll pay for a bunch of male strippers to come over and give you lap dances."

"I vote nay."

"I'll get you tickets to Comic Con."

I gasped, "Give me the tme and place and I'll be there."

"Thank you so much Bella! You have no idea how much this means to me," he wrapped me up in his long arms, and swung me around like a fucking rag doll.

"AH!" he placed me down gently.

"You still have so fucking much to learn. We're going to need reinforcements."

"What do you mean reinforcements?" he asked, confused.

"We're going to need doughnuts."

* * *

**EPOV**

Shit. I cracked my back as I took my backpack out of the trunk of my Volvo. Another long day of school. If I didn't love it so much, I'd have dropped out and joined the circus by now.

And it was kind of nice knowing that Bella was in _my_ apartment, waiting for me to get home. Albeit it wasn't by choice, and I guess _waiting _for me, would not be the proper choice of words, but I'll take what I could get.

I'm still not used to those ugly little spiders. The other day, Bella thought it would be hilarious to place one on me while I was sleeping. Nedless to say, I still have the bruise from where I hit myself to kill it.

And then she put the video on YouTube.

But again, I'll take what I can get…

I trudged my way into the apartment, and stopped short. Holy Shit. My mouth dropped open, and at that moment my my mind could not figure out how to close it.

Bella stood there in front of me, looking as beautiful as- no words can compare to how beautiful she looked right now. I wanted to take her in my arms, and kiss her everywhere. Well…I always want to do that, but still.

Her hair was curled prettily, and placed in a sexy bun on top of her head, leaving her long, pale neck exposed. What I wouldn't give to suck on that neck. She had on _tiny_ black dress, that reached mid-thigh, and hugged her perfect little curves beautifully. My eyes traveled down the length of her legs. The high, black heels she wore made her legs look impossibly long.

"Uh-what-where are you going?" I stuttered.

She did not look very happy, I took a step back, as a safety procedure. "I have a-business meeting," she growled unhappily, and mumbled something under her breath that I couldn't make out, but had the word ticket in it.

"You're going to a business meeting dressed like that?" I shouted.

"I'm not in the mood Senor. These heels fucking hurt, I burned myself with the curling iron, and I had to tweeze my eyelashes. Do not mess with me," she said in a deadly monotone.

I didn't say anything more, but a bunch of questions ran through my mind, and the business meeting things seemed like a big crock of shit. No one would dress like that to a business meeting. Maybe it was a da-

No I can't even say it.

I watched her suspiciously, and her phone pinged, indicating that she had a text. She sighed loudly, and I watched her walk to the restroom. The curiosity got the better of me, and I grabbed her phone, and read the text

_Remember, Antonio's in half an hour._

That was a pretty high-scale restaurant. My parents are always going there with their other rich, high society friends. I doubt she would be going there for a business meeting. I was about to see who sent it, but I hurt the water of the sink turning on, and I placed it back exactly where I found it.

I knew it! She's going on a fucking date!

I paced the room, and ran my hands through my hair angrily. I've never felt this angry before. But it wasn't exactly anger I was feeling, it was…different. I couldn't place my finger on it, but I hated it none the less.

She walked back in and checked her hair in the mirror. I looked at her long neck, and pictured some other douch bag kissing it. That's when I realized what my unknown emotion was.

I was jealous.

I wanted to be the one taking her to nice restaurants. I wanted to be the one who she got all dressed up for. I wanted to be the one who was able to touch her whenever I wanted. And fuck it, it's time I started doing something about it.

"Bella. I'm not letting you go," I said adamantly.

She snorted delicately, "I beg your pardon?"

"You heard me."

"Why the hell not?"

I waked to her with three long strides, and wrapped my arm around her tiny waist. She looked like a deer caught in headlights, and I kissed her. Hard. But what shocked me, was that she kissed me back. She wrapped her lithe arms around my neck and fucking kissed me back.

We both needed to take a breath, so I moved my kisses to her neck.

"Fuck," she groaned, "you're a good kisser." And she pulled my head back up and kissed me again.


	19. Chapter 19

****

Hey everyone! I know it's been two months. I know you all probably hate me. But as the song goes, 'There's a thin line! Between love and hate!'. I have feeling after this chapter, all you Bedward lovers will be extremely satisfied! Not a lot of laugh out loud jokes in this chapter, because we needed to establish a few things, but I already have the next chapter all worked out in my head, and we'll be back to the norm.

That brings me to my next point. I have decided that I am going to give myself a challenge. I am going to post the next chapter this Sunday. It may be at eight in the morning, or more likely it will be at twelve that night, but I promise that the next chapter will be up on Sunday. You guys have been so patient, I think you deserve it.

Now, let's see what our love birds have been up to.

* * *

**EPOV**

I ran my hands along her smooth back down to her pert little behind and gave it a firm squeeze. She let out a cute little squeak and moaned into my mouth. Oh God**.**

Nothing I could have ever imagined compares to this. I continued to massage her backside, and placed kisses all along her delicate jaw until I reached her ear, then I took the lobe into my mouth and gave it a little nip.

She moaned again, but stiffened, "Oh shit! I'm going to be late!" she exclaimed, and tried to shove me away, but I tightened my arms around her. The ang- jealousy -I fucking hate that word- started to bubble inside me again.

"Over my dead body you're still going," I said through clenched teeth.

She eyed me inquisitively for a few moments. "You're jealous aren't you!" she finally cried out, laughing hysterically. Bella obviously found this situation extremely humorous. I, on the other hand, was not laughing.

I squeezed her tighter, "Damn straight! There is no way in hell that I'm letting you go out on a date with some asshole."

Her eyes widened in sarcastic bewilderment, "Date? I'm going on a date? What the fuck are you talking about a date? And what is this about an asshole? What's his name? Do I like him? Or maybe it's not a him…did I start playing for the other team? Or maybe it's a transvestite!" She put a look of mock horror on her face, "I certainly lowered my standards. When did she\he ask me out? Were they nice about it? Or maybe it was more of a 'bitch, meet me at seven' kind of thing."

I was now extremely confused, "Okay obviously you're not going on a date, but where are you going?"

"Well McGiant-"

"You're going on a date with McGiant?" I yelled.

"I thought my little speech cleared up the fact that I am not going on a date, but I guess I'm mistaken," she muttered, annoyed, "No, McGiant has a date, and he's too much of a loser to go about it the normal way, although I guess I'm not in a position to judge someone's normalcy, but anyway, he asked me to come with them so I can tell him when he's going all Urkel on the slut."

"So I got all territorial over nothing?"

"Si Senor."

"Well why didn't you tell me about McGiant from the beginning?" I questioned, feeling defensive and kind of foolish.

"He was embarrassed and didn't want you or James to know about it."

"Oh."

She rolled her eyes at me, "I have to go now, he'll have a heart attack if I'm not there. Or worse, he'll take away my Comic Con tickets."

"You're doing all this for Comic Con tickets?" I asked.

She snorted, "I'm not the fucking Grinch. My heart did not grow three sizes today."

"Point taken. I'll go with you," I declared.

"Um…no you aren't."

"So you're going to go sit at a table by yourself? That won't look suspicious at all," I quirked an eyebrow at her.

"Might as well prepare myself for later on in life."

"Give me ten minutes," I begged, "If I'm not sitting in the car in ten minutes, then you can leave without me.

* * *

**BPOV**

The alarm on my phone beeped. Hah! Ten minutes was up! I backed out of the parking space, and raced past Edward who was running towards the car, shirt only half buttoned, tie untied, face unshaven, hair un-gelled, cufflinks un-cuffed.

And before anyone gets the wrong impression of me, believe that I would never have parked my car on the complete opposite side of the parking lot if I knew it would be entirely covered by both a big oak tree and a huge white SUV. And when he was standing there with that confused look on his face, looking like a dumb-ass for a whole forty seconds, how was I supposed to know that he couldn't see me? I thought he was taking some 'me time'.

Yes, I'm just really considerate is all.

It took me about ten minutes to get to 'Antonio's'. That's such a retarded name. If I had a restaurant I'd name it something cooler than 'Bella's'. It would be 'The Bangin' Bitch's Restaurant and Casino'.

Or something.

Once I finally got inside and told the hostess my name, I was already fifteen minutes late. I craned my neck in search of McGiant's abnormally large head. And of course his ho.

"Right this way Miss," the hostess smiled politely and led me to a booth that could probably fit the whole Camden family. And their little dog too.

McGiant sighed in relief when he saw me. I gave him a nod, all sly and whatnot.

"Hello, my name's Claudia, and I will be your server this evening. Can I start you off with something to drink?" asked my waitress.

"Uh, yeah, I'll have an iced-tea, please," I said, distracted. Fucking McGiant. He was playing with the mother flipping steak knives.

"Okay, I'll be right back with that," she said and handed me a menu.

I caught McGiant's eye and shook my head fervently. He immediately dropped the knives, and clasped his hands in front of himself. I took a moment to study his paid escort- I mean date. I shot him a double thumbs up sign, and he beamed back at me.

The waitress was back, "Here you go," she said placing down my ice-tea. She stood up straight. "Will anyone else be joining you?" she finally asked, running her eyes over the many seats that were unoccupied.

"No-"

"I'm sorry I'm late sweetheart," my eyes popped wide open as Edward slowly sauntered over to us, he leant over and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. He slowly slid into the booth, smirking at me the whole while.

The waitress stared slack-jawed at him, like he was the only attractive guy she'd ever seen. After what felt like an hour, she finally collected herself, and gave him a flirty smile, "Would you like something to drink?"

"I'll have what my beautiful girlfriend is having," he smiled at me. My eyes narrowed at him, and his response was to wrap his arm around my waist and pull me closer. He began to place kisses on my collarbone and nuzzle my neck. Mother fucker.

"Okay-"

"Hold the fuck up," I said, "I've never seen this man in my life. I think he's been stalking me. He's probably a rapist and serial killer who's going to rape and kill me the second you turn around. Then he's going to chop me up into little pieces and scatter me around Guam. I think I've even seen him on _To Catch a Predator_ a few times. We should alert the authorities."

Before the waitress could say anything, Edward placed a soft kiss on my cheek.

"She's just a little angry that I'm late," he smiled apologetically at the waitress, who swooned, "she likes to joke around like that." He continued to smirk at me, and began alternating from kissing my neck and nibbling on my ear.

The waitress walked away to get his drink, and I yanked myself away from him.

"What the fuck are you doing here? And how did you know where to come?" I asked suspiciously.

"I'd better hurry if I'm going to chop you up and scatter you around Guam in a reasonable amount of time."

I shrugged my shoulders, "I was watching an episode E! Investigates this morning, it was the first thing that came to mind."

I turned my attention back to McGiant to make sure that he hadn't done something disastrous like set himself on fire.

"What? Did you go through my texts or something?" I snort-asked the Senor after a few minutes of McGiant babysitting.

"Well…"

I burst out laughing.

He huffed, his sharply defined cheekbones tinting a faint pink, "I thought you were going on a date. I had every right to-"

"The Fourth Amendment would like to contradict your statement."

"Well-"

"You have taken away one of my basic civil liberties!" I yelled in mock indignation, "I won't stand for it!"'

"Calm down Jane Goodall," a familiar voice came from behind me.

James slid in on the other side of me and stole a drink of my ice-tea.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked, exasperated by all these uninvited and unwanted guests.

"I missed you too!" James exclaimed sarcastically. He paused and narrowed his eyes curiously at my and Edward's close proximity. And then the mother fucker started chuckling so uncontrollably that he started to choke. Edward gave him a few firm pats on the back, and he settled himself.

"Does this mean you two are an item now?"

"Shut the fu-"

"The Brangelina of Spoons, Washington."

"I swear-"

"Bedward!"

"I'll go all karate kid on your ass. Don't test me."

The annoying waitress Patricia(I think she looks like more of a Patricia) came back. "Hello," she batted her clumpy black eyelashes at James, "Can I get you something to drink?"

"No."

"Are you sure?" Patty asked, leaning over to show James her cleavage. I barely held in my chuckles.

"Positive," he answered with a shudder, trying to put as much distance as possible between himself and her probably-implanted breasts.

"Maybe a nice Sex on the be-"

"He said no bitch," I interrupted, irritated and hungry.

She glared at me, flipped her hair, and walked away in a huff.

"I bet you five dollars she spits in your food," Edward snickered.

"I bet you five dollars that you're about to get the good old one-two."

James intervened, "You're so fucking hostile today. You sound like Amber from _Teen Mom._"

"Next thing you know I'm going to be trying to choke Edward when he insults my alcoholic father," I sighed.

"Trying to push me and my ghetto T.V. down the stairs when I threaten to call Child Protective Services on you," Edward chimed in.

"Hunting him down at his mom's house while your new pedophile boyfriend waits at home," James stated with a shake of his head.

"If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic abuse, go to .org," I mimicked in a monotone.

Our antics caught the attention of a few of the other restaurant patrons, including a very tense looking McGiant. He narrowed his eyes at me. Probably he was mad that I now had fucking Tweedledee and Tweedledumb here with me. Pero, es no mi problema! I gave him a shrug, putting my palms up in the air.

He sighed dramatically and I had to force myself not to roll my eyes. Do not bite the hand that feeds you, I repeated in my head. Well not exactly, it was more like this: do not bitch-slap the motherfucker in possession of the Comic Con tickets.

His date came back from the restroom, and once I was sure he had his shit under control, I turned my attention back to my own table.

"Get your own," James said, swatting my hand away when I went to take back my iced-tea.

"Always the fucking klepto, calm down Winona," I taunted.

"Bitch please."

"Ghetto doesn't work for you. Leave it to the professionals, like _The Real Housewives of Atlanta,_" I advised. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"My date's meeting me here at eight, I got here a little early." he said with a shrug, then checked his watch, his mouth going into a comical little 'O'. "Oh shit, I need to get out of here."

"Oh that makes sense," I mocked.

"Well I have to arrive fashionably late, I can't seem too eager," he explained, as if we should have already known.

"So what," Edward snorted, "you're going to go hide in the bushes and wait for twenty minutes?"

His face flushed red, and we knew that was exactly what he was planning to do.

"And people call _you_ my better half," I chortled happily.

"Well I wouldn't want him to think that I associate with you losers!" he shouted indignantly, his pretty-boy face changing from it's former red to an ugly purple.

"If you prefer the little woodland creatures in the forest, who are we to judge?" I asked.

"Yeah, whatever makes _you_ happy, makes _me _happy," Edward said in faux-support.

"Assholes," he muttered, stomping away, looking like a petulant four year old.

"Say hi to Thumper for me!" I called after him.

We spent a good ten more minutes laughing at James expense, but then the superslut waitress came back, and I let out a loud dramatic sigh.

She completely ignored me, and asked Edward seductively, "Are you ready to order now?"

"Well, since you're asking! I'll have the steak with a baked potato on the side," I said, mockingly jovial.

"I'll have the same," Edward laughed.

McSlutterson stomped away.

"We need to talk," Edward stated.

"Eh…not so much."

"You kissed me," Edward said smugly.

"I did not," I said, trying to control my anger, but it didn't really work. "You fucking attacked me in your jealous rage!"

"But you liked it," he smirked. He continued on after I kept silent, "I think we should do it again."

"I feel like I stepped in on an episode of the _Twilight Zone_, or worse…Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Those fuckers are insane."

He sighed, "Don't change the subject. And yes they are. Especially that crazy-ass mom." He shuddered as if repressing a bad memory.

"I'm not gonna lie, you're a pretty awesome kisser," I paused, "but this is so fucking weird. Look at me, I'm practically hysterical."

"It won't be weird. We can just kiss all day, and I'll let you make fun of me when we don't. It'll be great," Edward said, leaning in to place a kiss on my neck.

"We need to leave, I'm not having this conversation in a place where someone is poisoning my food in the back room." I pointed to McGiant, "Stare at him until he looks at us."

After about two minutes of creepy staring, McGiant looked at us. I tapped my nose three times, and in turn he smiled and tugged at his earlobe. I turned to Edward, "We can leave now."

"Those are some pretty stealthy signals you have there," Edward threw some bills on the table, and I was too distracted by his chiseled jaw to argue. _Fuck. _How could I have not seen how lickable it was before?

I tried to collect myself, "When I'm a famous Russian spy, you'll feel stupid for questioning my skills."

"I don't think you're allowed to be famous if you're a spy," Edward said, grabbing my hand, and leading me outside the restaurant to the parking lot.

"Why the hell not?" I pouted, heading for my car.

"It defeats the purpose," Edward said matter-of-factly, "people aren't supposed to know you're a spy."

"I would make it work," I said confidently.

"Of course you would."

"Don't hate," I said all gangster like. Tupac and Biggie would have been proud.

Edward put his palms up, surrendering, and left to find his car. I was home in about ten minutes.

Fuck. Shit is about to go _down._

**

* * *

**

**EPOV**

It's not masculine to feel butterflies, right? Yeah, I didn't think so. But in my defense, it's not everyday a guy tells the girl who he's been infatuated with since fifth grade, bullied to the point of her leaving, crashed his car into, became roommates with because of some creepy stalker, that he is in love with her. So I think I have every right to feel as nervous as I am.

But I still think we should keep the butterfly thing to ourselves. Just a little secret between me and you. As a whole fuckload of people said in that movie _Grease 2_, I've got a rep to protect. And let's also never mention the fact that I've seen _Grease 2._ Alice made me watch it. I swear.

I stared at Bella's long legs as she climbed out of the car. I rushed out, and followed her to the elevator. Neither of us breaking the awkward silence.

I know right now wasn't exactly the time or the place to blatantly ogle, but I couldn't keep my eyes from wandering down the valley between her breasts. Will you not think of me as such a pussy if I tell you I've been doing this all throughout dinner? The elevator pinged, and I motioned for Bella to enter first. I promise that my intentions were pure, I didn't do it so I could stare at her cute, perky little ass. That was just a nice little bonus.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" Bella asked, irritation lacing her tone heavily.

And that's when I lost it.

I shoved her against the metal wall of the elevator, and attacked her mouth hungrily. She let out a little squeak, but was kissing me back within moments. For the second time today, I began to roughly squeeze her firm behind.

_This is fucking heaven._

She took this opportunity to wrap her legs around me, and then gripped my hair in her tiny hands. Our tongues battled for dominance, eventually she let out an adorable little growl, and let me explore her hot little mouth.

The elevator dinged, stopping at our floor, but I wasn't quite ready to let her go yet. I held her tightly to me, and made my way down the hall to the apartment. Once I finally reached our door -longest fucking walk I have ever had- my hands fumbled around in my pockets in search of my keys.

Bella took my earlobe in her warm mouth, and I felt myself grow harder than I already was. I finally found the keys, but my mind couldn't comprehend how to place them in the key hole. And the little suction thing Bella was doing to my neck didn't exactly help matters either.

I finally acquired some use of my brain, and opened the door. I didn't bother with the light switches, but made a beeline to my bedroom.

Fuck. Shit is about to go _down._

* * *

We laid there, sweaty and worn out from our…activities. Bella eventually broke the peaceful silence in a way only she could.

"Okay, I don't want to stroke your already humungi ego, but that was like the _best_ I have ever had," she smiled, fully satiated.

"We aim to please," I paused and nuzzled her neck, "we need to talk."

"Eh."

"Okay, I'll talk," I said, placing a kiss on her collarbone.

"Yeah, like we need more of _that."_

I chose to ignore her comment, "The first time I saw you-"

"We are _not _having this conversation right now," she snapped at me.

"I was little punk," I began.

She snorted, "I thought you were telling a story, not stating a fact."

"Then one day, I notice this beautiful girl, hiding a Batman comic in her textbook, throwing gummy bears at the teacher and blaming it on Lauren Mallory, getting detention because she didn't know when to keep her pretty little mouth closed. I was convinced she was my soul mate, but because I had no social skills, I had no idea what to do."

She tried to interrupt me, but I wouldn't allow it.

"So about a week later, Emmett and I were playing tag. It was wet and raining and I remember running into your tiny, warm body. You were SO fucking mad. I thought you were going to take your Scooby Doo lunch pail and beat the shit out of me."

"I fucking should have," she mumbled angrily, scowling at the ceiling, "I fucking should have shown you who was boss."

"But the thing about this time was," I continued, "the beautiful rebel was actually speaking to me. Well, yelling at me, but I paid that fact no mind. So the next day, I did the same thing, only on purpose, and I got the same response."

"I'm…befuddled."

"I didn't pick on you because I didn't like you, or because I thought you were weird, I picked on you because I didn't know how else I could catch your attention."

She kept silent for what felt like years. I desperately wanted to know what was going on in her mind, but I was too afraid to ask. She eventually spoke, "What happened to 'I like you, be mine'?"

"The eternal question lives on," I mumbled.

"I mean, you could've just said hi…"

"Yeah," I felt my cheeks flame red from my embarrassment. "What now? Would you consider moving forward with me?" My heart felt like it was going to burst through my chest.

After another terrifying pause, she answered me, "If we start something, don't think I'll actually start being nice to you."

My big, oversized grin felt like it would split my face in two. I rolled on top of her, holding my weight on my elbows so I wouldn't crush her. I leaned down and rubbed my nose against hers gently, "I wouldn't expect anything else."

* * *

**I really hope you guys liked it, if not, let me know. Thank you for all the positive reviews and such. You guys are awesome for dealing with my lazy ass. See you Sunday!**

**Peace,**

**Victoria.**


	20. Chapter 20

**BPOV**

Sweet dreams are made of these. Who am I to disagree? I traveled the world AND the seven seas. Everybody is looking for something. Some of them want to use you. Some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you. Some of them want to be abused.

God I fucking love that song.

I sashayed into the kitchen, looking for a little two o'clock in the morning snack. James was sleeping peacefully in our(Jasper's) room, as was Edward. Well, Edward was sleeping peacefully in his own room. Because if he was in our(Jasper's) room sleeping peacefully with James, it would be a little weird.

But again, I'm not here to judge.

Anyway, I just finished the rough draft for my book, and it has been officially sent to Laurent. Now I won't have to worry about his eight months pregnant-like mood swings for at least a month or two.

I stuck my little cranium inside the fridge, looking for something to slake my hungry stomach. Leftover pork chops? Hah! Carrots? Nah. Fat-free yogurt? No. Mixed Vegetables? Wait a second… Tofu chicken!

I ran to the pantry, only to find it filled with whole-grain crackers, canned beans, instant brown rice, walnuts and others I refuse to say out loud. The foods we do not speak of. I ran to check the freezer, and just as I had expected my chocolate ice-cream was no where to be seen.

There's only one explanation for this.

I stalked my way to Edward's room. He looked extremely peaceful, which only made me angrier. Once I was standing directly next to the bed, I jabbed my finger at his cheek. He groaned and swatted my hand away. After he got comfortable again, I began to flick his head with my fingers.

He finally opened his eyes, only half-awake.

"Baby?" he asked groggily, snaking an arm around my waist and pulling me down to lay on top of him. He pressed his face into my neck, wrapping the comforter around us tightly and snuggling me to his chest.

"What the fuck did you do to my food?" I growled angrily.

His face paled, "Um, w-what are you talking about?"

"Don't try to deny it! James didn't do it, and I sure as hell did not do it! Why would you take away my food and replace it with that garbage?" I asked scowling at him in the darkness.

"You and James are going to eat yourselves into premature heart attacks. I can't let you do that," the Senor explained, trying to sound firm, but I'm like a dangerous predator. I can smell fear from a mile away.

"It's good for the soul! You just can't take away someone's double fudge ice-cream! It's inhumane!" I dramatically cried out.

"Do you know how bad all that junk is for you Bella?" Callousward questioned.

"I don't care how bad it is! It tastes good and I like it!" I decided a different approach, I batted my eyelashes subtly, "doesn't my happiness matter?"

He saw through my plan, "I know what you're doing and it's not working."

"Hot damn."

"I'm only thinking about you baby," he said, and I knew he was mocking me.

I crawled out of his embrace.

"Where are you going?" he asked, trying to catch me again, but I twisted away skillfully.

"I'm hungry, and I refuse to eat that- it doesn't even deserve to be called food. I'm going to go get something to eat," I raised my chin in defiance, challenging him to tell me not to.

"It's too late!" he yelled, exasperated. "You are not going out at this time."

"Well if someone hadn't thrown out my food, we wouldn't be in this situation. Now would we?" I asked with a patient smile, and he followed me the living room, where I went to find my shoes and a jacket. I continued with my rant, "I was just going to make myself a quick sundae, but now I'm going to go get a double bacon cheeseburger, with chili cheese fries, and a chocolate milk shake on the side. Just to spite you."

He threw his hands in the air dramatically after a long pause, "We can go grocery shopping tomorrow."

And that boys and girls, is why you do not mess with Isabella fucking Swan.

I removed my shoes and jacket, grabbed his hand and led him back to his bedroom. I pushed him down on the bed and straddled him. He placed his hands on my hips, holding me there firmly. I leaned down to capture his earlobe in my mouth.

Who knew fighting could be so much fun?

* * *

"Mr. Bates has decided he would not like to call the police, so you're free to go," the burly security guard told me, unlocking the small holding cell they used for the 'criminals' such as I.

I huffed angrily, "He sexually assaulted me! And then he hit me back! I should be the one deciding to call the police or not!"

"I'm sorry miss, but there were at least ten witnesses who saw you hit Mr. Bates first," after a long pause he added, "well…adult witnesses," he eyes were alight with humor, and I could tell he was having a hard time trying not to guffaw.

"And what about those little brats! They assaulted me! What's going to happen to them?" I asked, knowing that the veins in my forehead were probably threatening to pop out right about now.

"You should speak to your attorney about that." This time Carl(as I have declared him) began to laugh uncontrollably.

I sulked the whole back to the main office of security headquarters. Wanting to smack all the guards who were whistling and catcalling at me. The only thing that stopped me was knowing that they probably _would_ press charges. I was thankful that Carl finally told them to shut the fuck up. Well he was a little politer, but I'm pretty sure he said it like that in his head.

After I was all checked out, he began again, "Although we are not involving the police in this matter, we would appreciate it if you would exit the premises immediately. I will escort you to your car."

I threw my hands up in the air and rolled my eyes. With a long sigh, I mumbled back in reply, "I have to call someone to pick me up."

"Feel free to use our telephone," he responded, motioning to it on the secretary's desk. I reached inside my pocket to grab my cell phone, but realized I would have to use theirs, considering they confiscated all my belongings.

I dialed James number, only to reach the answering machine. I sighed and called Edward, knowing that he would never let me live this down. As the phone rang I thought of other alternatives. I could call Papa- no, I couldn't. I'd be grounded. I know I don't live at home, but my dad would find away. Where do you think I get all my err…creativity from?

I was debating how long it would take to walk home when Edward finally answered his phone.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Hey, it's me," I said slowly, trying to give myself as much time as possible.

"Oh, hey. Why does it say that it's the Port Ang-" he began but I cut him off.

"Um, there's been in incident, and I kind of need you to pick me up."

"What kind of incident? Oh god. What did you do?" he sighed in frustration. My jaw fell open in shock.

My voice raised angrily, "Oh don't worry about me! I'm only emotionally traumatized is all. Maybe I'll just walk home. Hopefully a serial killer slash rapist will come and kidnap me as an end this fantastic day!" And then I hung up.

"Well, I guess I'll be walking," I growled at Carl, and he just stood there with his eyes wide open.

"Um, I could call you a cab?" the way he said it made it sound more of a question.

I nodded my head, "Maybe that would be a good idea.

About twenty minutes later I was soaking myself in a nice, strawberry-scented bubble bath. I think I deserved it after my rough day. I looked at all the ugly bruises that covered my body and clenched my teeth.

Eventually I heard the front door opening and closing. I hoped it wasn't Edward. I didn't want to deal with him. _What did you do? _I mimicked in my head. And people call me the insensitive one.

"Bella! Are you here?" Edward called out, slightly frazzled.

God was not on my side today.

I decided not to respond to his yelling, and was extremely happy with myself for thinking to lock the bathroom door. I listened to him checking each and every room, calling out my name loudly. He finally tried the bathroom, and once he found it locked he sighed in relief.

"Baby?" he asked.

"Go away! I'm busy." I yelled.

He knocked rapidly, but I just laid my head back and pretended the knocks where the sound of waves crashing. I assumed once the knocks stopped, that the Senor had given up.

If only I was that auspicious.

He finally barged in, placing his key on the marble counter top. I proceeded to ignore him.

"Bella." He said sauntering over to the bathtub. I pretended like he wasn't there. We continued like this for about five minutes, until he stuck his hand in the water and tried to cop a feel, and I swatted his hand away.

"What did you do?" I imitated, "I was accosted!"

"Bella, I'm sorry to just presume it was you who started something. I just have trouble thinking anyone would start something with you and live to tell the tale."

I contemplated this for a few moments, I exhaled heavily, "Sit down Eddie, and I will tell you my tale."

**_Earlier That Day_**

"And I want this inscription. It better be an exact match you little slut," James said, explaining the exact golden locket he was going to make me buy him for Christmas. Demanding little thing.

"You'll get coal and you'll like it," I told him.

He stuck his tongue out at me, and I quickly pinched it between my fingers. I laughed as it scowled at me.

"Oh hell no! I don't know where your whorish finger have been!"

"Well, since you asked…"

"Here I am, being nice enough to give you explicit details on what to get me for Christmas, so if it's not up to par you won't have to go back the store and return it for something better. Demanding little thing, aren't you?"

After a long pause we both cracked up laughing.

"I'm hungry," I said after a few minutes.

"It's my turn to choose. You picked last time," James reminded me. I sighed in annoyance. I thought the fucker would forget.

"What does your highness want?" I asked with a sarcastic smile.

"Glad to know you finally learned your place. I'm in the mood for something exotic," he explained, and I could practically see his mouth salivating.

"Control yourself James. You're an embarrassment to overeaters everywhere. How about Mexican? I've been hankering for some enchiladas," I said, thinking about which restaurants we could go to.

"That sounds fine, afterwards I'll just drop you off here so I can take the car to work," he said, grabbing his expensive designer shoes delicately, then throwing my converse at me.

"Hey!" I put my hands up, "Don't touch what you can't afford. And how do you know I don't need the car? Maybe I have plans," I said, lacing the shoes up, knowing that as soon as I started walking they would come undone. But as the true lazy person I am, I didn't care.

"What plans would you have?" he snorted.

"You wound me deep."

"Cool story bro."

After lunch we passed the Port Angeles mall. "Hey drop me off here. I want to get all the my Christmas shopping out of the way."

"How will you get back?" he asked, eyeing the entrance.

"I'll call Eddie. Or I'll walk. It's good exercise," after a moments I quickly added, "I've been told."

"Yeah, better make that a jog, I can see pouch forming," James told me mockingly, poking my flat stomach.

"Maybe I could join a fitness show on _Bravo_."

"We'll start your audition tape tomorrow," he said and I gave an affirmative nod.

The first thing I saw once I entered the mall, was the line to take a picture with Santa Clause. I got in, figured, what the hey? You only live once right?

Oh how little I know.

Once it was my turn, I was practically bouncing with excitement, and took my place in the seventy-year-old mans lap. After we took the picture, he turned to me and started speaking.

"Have you been a good girl this year? Or have you been naughty? Does Santa need to punish you?" he asked seductively, running his lips along my bare neck. My mouth dropped open in shock.

"Maybe you should keep your mouth to yourself," I muttered, annoyed.

"What's wrong kitten? I get out of here in half an hour, babe, you can wait for me in the back dressing room. I'll Santa your Clause."

"You're a pervert!" I muttered disgusted.

"Who are you calling a pervert you little slut?" he asked angrily.

After that the only thing I remember saying after that is that I would call Chris Hanson on him. The rest is a little fuzzy.

We were both standing there, nose to nose, when eventually I couldn't stand it any longer. I kneed him. Now I know violence never solves anything, especially with old people, but I couldn't stop the sadistic smile from spreading across my face when he fell down like a big bag of sand.

Hah!

The good times were short lived however.

"That lady is hurting Santa! Get her!" some little redhead called out like a fucking battle cry. But I was not laughing when I saw about thirty five-year-olds running and screaming at me like a heard of wild giraffes.

I purposefully blocked out the next ten minutes from my memory, hoping to never relive it again.

It took what seemed like the whole security team to pull of the screaming, aggressive, convicts-to-be off of me.

"Miss, I'm going to have to take you down to security headquarters. Your name please?"

"WHAT? That motherfucker practically molests me! Then I get attacked by hundreds of crazy little rugrats! And now you're telling me, _I'm _the one in trouble! I have rights you know!" I exclaimed. I could feel my face turning purple from my unsuppressed rage.

"Miss, you'll have your turn to tell your side of the story, but your name please?" he asked, a little more firmly.

I sighed, wishing that I had kneed the mother fucker harder, but eventually answered his question, "Pedro Cantini."

_**Present Time**_

By the end of my story, Edward looked like he was about to explode from laughter. He controlled himself barely, "I'm glad you weren't seriously hurt baby. I know how rough those kindergarteners can be."

That's when he lost it. I groaned loudly, wanting nothing more than to go on to make my own contribution. I could imagine it now.

Today, after being sexually assaulted by the mall Santa Clause, attacked by a bunch of five-year-olds, and being kept in a holding cell by mall security. My boyfriend's only response was to laugh. FML.


	21. Chapter 21

**I'm sorry. I had another dance performance this weekend, and I've had to study for finals that are coming up this week. But you guys shouldn't accept my lame excuses. I'll try to be better. And I just want to take the time to thank all of you have stuck with my story even though I update so irregularly.**

**Hope you like it, and sorry for all the possible spelling and grammar mistakes. I only proof read it once because I didn't want to make you guys wait any longer.**

* * *

Chocolate-chip cookies, potato-chips, Pepsi, Cheese It's, Sprite, peanut butter and celery, strawberry cheesecake, left-over Chinese food, chocolate-covered raisins, jelly beans, Oreos, pretzels, an array of salted-nuts, Pineapple juice, Gatorade, and Arizona ice-tea.

_Check._

And the pizza and breadsticks are on their way.

I greedily rubbed my stubby little hands together.

Before you ask, no, I did not finally go postal and rob the local Seven-Eleven. Not to say that I've never contemplated it before. Every true overeater in America has thought about it. In fact, the only thing stopping me was the fact that if I got caught I don't think anyone would bail me out of jail. That mother fucker James would probably try to give out my mug shots as Christmas cards.

That's obviously hypothetical though because we all know I'm to sly to get caught.

But that's getting off topic, my ADHD medication clearly hasn't kicked in yet. Sorry, that wasn't a funny joke. I need to learn to have more sensitivity for legitimate medical conditions.

Now on to my food hoarding. So every year-

The Jaws theme song began to blare throughout the room, alerting me that Eduardo was calling.

"I'm buthy!" I exclaimed, faking a lisp. As fucked up as it sounds, I've always envied people with lisps. I mean, I know it's a serious speech-impediment, and it's a sensitive subject for people who actually have them, but you know what?

I think it'th awethome!

_Fuck_. I'm just picking on everybody today, aren't I?

"Doing what?" Edward snorted over the phone.

"The twenty-five days of Christmas marathon is playing on ABC Family," I replied.

"Well, I wouldn't want to disturb you, while you're obviously extremely _buthy…_" he mocked.

"I appreciate that."

"So I'll let you go," he paused for a couple of beats, "What are you wear-" he was interrupted by the loud ring of the doorbell.

"Bye Thenor." And I hung up.

I sprinted to the door with the grace of a Sumo-wrestler, anxious to get to my pizza and begin my annual Christmas tradition.

When I opened the door however, there was no pizza man to be found. Instead a little brown package with James' full name written out neatly across the top. I picked it up off the ground, and noticed it was extremely light. In fact, it didn't feel like there was anything inside the cardboard box at all. Maybe an early Christmas present?

Did his parents finally follow my advice and buy him a membership to Jenny Craig?

Just joking.

I set the package on the table, and made my way over to the couch. I sat on my hands as to not tempt myself. James' packages are none of my business. I have absolutely no right to open them. Nope. Nuh-uh. I'm not going to open the easily accessible little brown box. I'm just going to leave it be.

I had the box open in seven point three seconds.

I crinkled my eyebrows in confusion. The only thing the box contained was a folded up piece of notebook paper.

_Soon_

It was printed neatly, right on the top red line. Just that single word. What the hell? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Nothing on the box helped indicate who sent it. Fuck, the box didn't even have a logo on it. Shit, this is what I get for being slightly more curious than normal human beings.

Fuck, I need to call James. Screw that shit, I need to call the police! What if it's from James' stalker! Now my fingerprints are all over it! I've contaminated evidence! Look at me, I'm fucking hysterical.

Although I knew James never kept his phone on at work, I grabbed my cell to dial him. As predicted, it went straight to voicemail, and I didn't bother leaving a message. I didn't want to call Charlie because I didn't want to bother him on his vacation with Sue. So that just leaves Ed-

Fuck my life.

I sighed as I dialed him.

"Didn't you just hang up on me?" he laughed.

"Aren't you supposed to be studying?" I asked.

"We're taking a break," he responded.

"Oh. Well I have- wait a second. Who's we?" I questioned.

"Cindy."

"Who the hell's that?"

"My lab partner, You know this. Remember I told you all about it when- wait...are you jealous Bella?"

"No!" I replied too quickly. And after a few seconds, "What does she look like?"

He began to laugh uncontrollably, "Oh my God. You're adorable Bella."

"Shut up. Of course I'm not jealous."

"Don't worry Babe, no one can compete with you," he mocked.

"You know, I had a situation that I needed to deal with, but since your so busy with _Cindy_," I spat out her name, "maybe I'll just go ask Steve from the fifth floor."

"Bella," Edward growled angrily, but I hung up before he could say anything more.

Edward _hates_ Steve from the fifth floor. Steve is slightly above average looking, but annoying as hell. He flirts with me constantly, and every time he gets the chance he asks me to go out with him, regardless if Edward's with me or not. Now, I wouldn't really go ask Steve from the fifth floor for help with my situation, as I wasn't in the mood to get raped today, but he was a good tool to provoke our dear Senor.

I laid on top of the Senor's bed. What now? My phone began to ring again, so I ignored the call and tossed it away. I guess I'll have to wait until James' lunch break to call him. Then we will decide how to proceed.

I laid there for what felt like twenty minutes before I heard the door violently fly open so hard that it slammed against the corresponding wall.

_Maybe we're getting bombed._

Soon the sound of other doors opening and slamming closed began to fill the previous silence. The bedroom door flew open, and Eddie came barging in, looking extremely frazzled.

"Did you need something?"

He sighed with relief, "I was afraid you'd really go find that fucker."

I glowered at him. "Where's Cindy?"

"At home with her girlfriend," he said, looking at me in that way he does when he knows he's right.

"Oh." Now don't I feel like an idiot?

"So what _did_ you do today?" he asked, climbing next to me in the bed.

"I've been out with friends all day because I have a great personality and people love me," I mumbled sulkily. "Um…So someone left a package for James today, and I opened it, and-"

"You opened his package?"

"Let us not change the subject," I paused, deciding it would be better to show him rather than tell him. "Follow me."

"That's fucking weird," he said after inspecting both the note and the box. "I think we definitely need to show this to the investigator, but we'll tell James first, and then he can decide what he wants to do."

"Olen samaa mieltä."

* * *

The Po Po had just left, taking the evidence for further study. James had a brief panic attack, to which I grabbed the lamp and knocked him unconscious because he started getting on my nerves with all his hyperventilating.

But that's neither here nor there.

"If I looked like this," I asked James, twisting my face into deformity, "Would you still be friends with me?"

"Hell no. I'm barely friends with you now," he answered.

"It's really sweet how you're so honest. Some people would say yes, just so feelings could be spared, but you know what I say to them? Bah! That's what I say to them."

James watched me thoughtfully for a few moments, as if he was going to change his answer. "Nah. I still wouldn't be friends with you."

I threw my hands in the air, exasperated.

"We should go to the fair today," James stated, paying no mind to my little tantrum.

"Well," I pondered aloud, "I _have_ been hankering for a funnel cake lately."

"Then let's go!" He jumped up and down, clapping his hands.

I got up, bopping along to our(Jasper's) room to collect my shoes and a coat.

"Bitch, hold the fuck up," he complained. I was about to make some smart remark, but then looked down at my worn out sweatpants and came to the conclusion that even _I _can't pull off the hobo look. "Walk your lazy little ass back into that room and make yourself decent."

I saluted him, "Yes ma'm."

Ten minutes later I stood in front of James to make sure my ensemble met his approval. His face twisted into a scowl, "You're _I'm with stupid _t-shirt? Really Bella?" He stomped his way back to the bedroom, and pulled out a pair of dark skinny jeans, and a little sheer camisole.

I stared at him unblinking for a few seconds, "It's thirty-five degrees outside. Try again."

He sighed in contemplation, staring at the closet. After a few long moments he pulled out a tan sweater, black bomber jacket, and threw them at me, along with the jeans he previously took out.

"I didn't even know that I owned these," I mumbled under my breath as I pulled them on.

"Can we play Bella Barbie?" he asked innocently, twirling a lock of my hair between his fingers.

"Can I watch _16 & Pregnant_ while we do?" I asked, knowing that I'd be his personal plaything whether I agreed to it or not.

He smiled jovially, shoving me down onto the bed while he went to find his weapon of choice…I mean his hair tools.

"I feel so used," I yelled dramatically when he returned.

Half an hour later I had my hair done in curls cascading down my back and we were _finally _on our way to the fair. My phone began to ring, and Eddie boy's name flashed across the screen.

"We don't want any," I answered.

He completely ignored me, "Please put James on the phone."

"Que?"

Upon hearing his name, James snatched the phone right out of my hand.

"Maybe you should get off the phone and pay attention to the road, you wouldn't want to make us the stars of the five o'clock news for causing a ten car pileup," I said eyeing the heavy traffic of the freeway.

He chose to not respond.

"But that's just an idea."

"We're already on our way!" James told Edward, bouncing up and down in his seat, looking like an overgrown bobble-head. They exchanged a few more words before hanging up. James tossed the phone into my lap.

"Eddie and the rest of the Calle cult are going to meet us at the fair!" he squealed.

"I must have had a little wax in my ear, for I don't think I heard you right. Can you please repeat your previous statement?"

"Oh come on Bella! It'll give you time to get to know you're in-laws!" he exclaimed. I rolled my eyes.

"First of all…just no. Second of all, I _do_ know them. I don't like them," I said, kind hoping we _would_ start a ten car pileup to avoid this soon to be disastrous evening.

"Bella," he whined, "If any of them start something you know I have your back. If one of them bitches says something to make you mad, I'll make like Eazy-E and grab the stupid bitch by their nappy-ass weave."

"As appealing as that offer sounds, I think I'll have to pass on this fun little excursion," I sighed, "Just drop me off at the nearest all you can eat buffet and I'll be set."

But we were already here. James circled the crowded parking lot, searching for a place to park. We didn't need to search long though, for a certain midget was standing there, flailing her arms around to catch our attention. She had apparently saved us a parking spot. James quickly pulled in, and I was out of the car in flash.

I headed straight for the Senor, grabbed his hand, and pulled him along so we could talk in private.

"Guys," Emmett sighed dramatically, "If you two can't wait till you get home to get it on, at least find a car with a suitable back seat. Don't get lazy and do it in front of innocent bystanders."

"No! We're going to have at it in the forest so no one can see. I keep my shit classy," I told him with a roll of my eyes, pulling Edward so we could talk behind a huge Green Tahoe.

"Okay, I won't try and hoodwink my mind into thinking I have any chance of escaping your evil clutches," he quirked his eyebrow at me, "but I have rules." I glared at his irritatingly attractive face.

He encircled one of his arms around my waist, pulling my body firmly against his own, "Well by all means, proceed."

"One- they're all so touchy-feely. I reserve the right to battement their face if one of them touches me," I told him.

"What the hell does battement mean?" Edward asked.

"Don't worry about it. Second- um…well, I don't actually have a second. But just know, I'm not going to be nice, I'm not going to be friendly, and I will not hesitate to trip one of them, just for the sake of my own entertainment," I stated.

"I'd honestly be shocked if you did not resort to any physical or mental violence," he sighed.

I clapped my hands proudly, "Look how much you've learned."

"Now do I get my hello kiss?" he asked, not bothering to wait for a response. He lightly pressed his soft lips to my own, and just when it started to get good, the motherfucker pulled away.

"Do you understand my rules? Si o no?" I questioned.

"Si," and then he gave me another quick peck on the cheek before dragging me towards the people who were the Joker to my Batman. The Darth Vader to my Luke Skywalker. The Cruella de Vil to my hundred and one Dalmatians. The Danielle Staub to my Caroline Manzo.

When we reached them, the Calles and James were all standing in a small circle conversing. Most likely about us.

"So are we ready to go?" Jasper asked, eyeing us both speculatively.

"Yeah," Edward said, and we all walked in a silent, awkward blob to the entrance.

"This is fun," I mumbled into Edward's ear.

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit Bella," he murmured back. I couldn't think of a clever response so I just pouted.

"So Bella," Rosalie started conversationally, "are you adjusting back to Washington well?"

"Sure."

The silence following my answer was tense, so in an attempt to break it Jasper threw the question at James, "How about you James?"

Because James has good social skills and was not mentally beat as a child, he answered in a long detailed list of all his favorite restaurants and shops, which of course brought on a whole new conversation, effectively clearing the uncomfortable atmosphere.

Isn't he a good little wingman?

We all paid the entrance fee, and purchased little wristbands that would allow us to go on any ride we wished. The rides looked cool, the food smelled amazing. Maybe tonight wouldn't be so bad after all.

Hah! I'm such a jokester.

"Wouldn't it be a shame if that kid over there with the green face running in Alice's direction blew chunks all over her Christian Louboutin shoes?" I whispered, eyeing the inevitable scene with morbid fascination.

The nice thing to do would have been to warn little Alice. But I'm clearly not a nice person, so the rules don't apply to me.

The whole scene kind of happened in slow motion. Her face twisted in disgust as the young boy stepped directly in front of her, unable to hold in his…corndog? It seemed to go on forever. Alice's pretty face was red, in anger and embarrassment.

I couldn't hold in my snort, which led to loud guffawing. Rosalie and Jasper didn't seem to notice as they were trying to calm Alice's loud sobs and cries about how those were her favorite shoes. James was giving me the shut the fuck up now glare. Emmett looked like he was about to start laughing right along with me. And Edward looked a little embarrassed, but slightly amused.

Alice cut her eyes to me, glaring little daggers.

"Bella's going to go take a couple minutes to collect herself," James grounded out harshly.

I didn't bother responding, I just turned around to lose myself in the mammoth crowd of people. As I wiped at the tears beginning to form in the corner of my eyes, I began my search of a funnel cake. Lo and behold! There was a stand just _waiting_ for me, with no line, and an eager-to-please server.

Maybe today really wouldn't be so bad after all.

Ten minutes later I was sitting at a small round table, peacefully digging in to my funnel cake. Yummy yummy in my fat little tummy. Something was off though, it tasted scrumptious, but there was something missing. I stared at it for a few seconds, contemplating.

Bitch forgot my powdered sugar!

I stood up, eager to complete my dining experience appropriately. The young girl- well I guess not that young, in fact she was probably older than I, but whatever- was sitting there, reading a magazine.

"Hey would you mind-"

I was interrupted by a loud, angry voice, "I swear! I'll kill you! You fucking bitch!"

I sighed. What the fuck did I do now? But when I turned around, I realized the person wasn't talking to me, but instead to the non-young server. I felt a sick sense of delight at the prospect of a free show.

However, this brought me a dilemma. Entertainment was always better with food. My food would not be complete without the help of the server. But the server was, in fact, my entertainment. The fight could wait a few minutes, I finally decided.

"Can I please have some-"

"You're calling _me _the bitch? You're the one that ruined everything!"

"Or you can just give me the container and I can do it my-"

"How the fuck did I ruin everything? You just pop up out of no where and start all of this unnecessary drama in my otherwise perfect life!"

"I'll only take a little. I'm not stingy."

"I never did one fucking thing to you and you know it! You're the one that started talking shit about me before we even met! Then you started to spread all these lies about me!"

"The powdered-"

"God damn! Will you shut the fuck up about the powdered sugar?" I couldn't tell you which one of them that was, as my mind and vision suddenly filled with an angry red haze. I felt like a caged lion ready to attack.

"Do NOT take the good Lord's name in vain!" I screamed. And then I pounced.

She was winning, but I would leave out that small detail when I retold the story. It didn't seem like we were shuffling for very long at all before two burly security guards came and pulled us off of each other.

I suppose it could have been much worse than them throwing us out. For example, they could of called the po po and put my ass back in jail. But they didn't, they just told us we were no longer welcome at the Port Angeles county fair, and to never come again or they _would _call the cops. They even went as far as to take pictures of us to show the people at the front entrance so they would know not to let us in.

I didn't know if it was a good idea to call James or the Senor and ruin their good time. And I was now in a terribly bad mood and didn't really feel like being the little social butterfly I usually am. I didn't feel like conversing with other human beings. Not that I do that much anyway.

And so I began to wander the parking lot aimlessly, deciding to do my good deed for society and clean up the trash that I saw scattered around messily. Have good manners left every human being on the planet or something? They're like hey, just leave your trash lying around for other people to pick up. That's cool.

People these days.

I made me way to an overflowing trashcan, and stuffed my finding in there as best as I could.

A gloved hand suddenly covered my mouth. The fuck? I began thrashing around violently. Someone was trying to kidnap me! Before I could do much more than struggle, something cold and rigid was suddenly slammed up against the back of the head.

And then darkness overtook me.

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**I know, I'm an evil bitch. Next update= One week. I promise.**


	22. Chapter 22

**I'm sorry for all the spelling and grammar mistakes I know I made.**

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**Bella's Point of View**

Pain is such a funny thing. Except it's not. There is nothing even remotely funny about pain. I am in pain right now. No one is laughing. The back of my head throbbed like a motherfucker. If I didn't know any better I would have thought someone had rammed a freight train into it.

I ache. I have no idea where I am. I'm hungry. I'm chained to a chair. It's pitch black. I see a little shape that has an uncanny resemblance to a rat. My throat is as dry as the Sahara. I'm hungry.

What fuck did I get myself into this time?

About an hour passed before I was able to have contact with any form of human life.

Someone flicked the lights on, and I was momentarily blinded.

A decently built man dressed from head to toe black entered the room. He wore a ski mask so the only features I could identify were his mouth and his eyes. I kept my eyes on him, careful for any sudden movements. Not that I could do much damaged chained to a chair, but still.

"I'm here to feed you," he said in a thick French accent.

I eyed the bag in his hand suspiciously. Although I was starving, I'd be an idiot to eat anything he had to offer. Who knows what they could have done to it?

He pulled a chair over to me, seating himself, and then set to pulling out the bags containments. An apple. No. A water bottle. I think not. A turkey sandwich. Nuh-uh. An already open bag of Doritos. _Hell_ no. He picked up a chip, and tried to feed it to me.

I bit his hand.

"Ah! Stupid Bitch!" he cried out.

"Hah!" I laughed, "I've been called worse." Much worse actually. But that's one of those unspoken truths things.

"You can starve for all I care!" He yelled.

"No, because if I starve I die. I know you don't want me to die, because you could have killed me easily if that was your intention. I also know you won't rape or beat me. I'm a moderately attractive individual. Even if you had no intent to sexually assault me, it's a natural human reaction to look, you haven't looked. And while we're on that point, I'm going to guess that you're not attracted to women in general. Your fingernails look more groomed than mine do, and the visible skin of your face looks as smooth as a rose petal. I know you're not a serious criminal and won't beat or torture me, because if you were, you would have done so before the end of my rant. My guess is you're the sidekick and I have something that you want."

He glared at me for several moments. "Eat your food."

"No. I want a hamburger from Billie's Burgers on first street. Ask for Bella's special and they'll know what to do. Grab eight packages of ketchup."

"Listen lady, this isn't in my job description."

"The customer's always right," I told him matter-of-factly.

"You're not my cu-"

"Cállate!"

I'm pretty sure he was cussing in French on his way out.

Now I sent him away for many reasons. Number one, it would give me a chance to check out my chances for escape. I obviously wouldn't try yet, but I needed to know what I was dealing with, and now that I have a clear head and the lights are on I have the perfect opportunity. Two, I've eaten Billie's Burgers since I was a kid. I'll know straight away if it's even the slightest bit off and be able to spit it out before it affects me. Three, I'm sure someone has noticed my disappearance by now, and this trip will give them a chance to catch my captor. As for four, who doesn't want a Billie's Burger?

**James' POV (At the fair)**

We all sat there in tense silence.

"Maybe we should just head home." Finally! Someone had the balls to say what everyone else was thinking.

"Yeah," Edward said, "We can do this some other time." They all mumbled yes in agreement.

Must I always be the poor soul who has to tell it like it is?

"Listen Calles, this whole experience has been awkward and just pretty fucking uncomfortable. I vote we all agree to not do it again. Hot damn! All you people ruin my Zen and shit." I said, not caring enough to keep up false pretenses. "Now, I'm going to go find my Belly-boo."

Eddie boy cleared his throat, "I'll call her."

"Nah," I waved him off, "I'll go get her. It shouldn't be hard to find her. I'll just follow the smell of corndogs."

I walked around, keeping an eye open for Bellsarina, and enjoyed the fresh, post-rain air. When someone roughly grabbed at my shoulder, probably intending to rob me or some shit. I almost laughed at the poor fucker.

You see, a lot of people don't know this about me, but I have a black belt. I've done Karate since I was a wee little diva. I can have an attacker down on their ass in five seconds flat. Or in this case six. I'm a bit rusty.

An expression of surprise crossed my attackers(more like victim's) face briefly, but he hurriedly composed himself. He tried to pull me down with him, but I clasped my hand around his wrist, and flipped him on his stomach. I then grabbed him by the arm, and pulled him up to a standing position, with his back to me.

"Aw, how sad for you!" I mock-pouted.

"Hey, what's going on?" Eddies voice came from behind.

"He tried to assault me," I told Eddie, "_tried_, being the operative word."

Eddie mumbled something under his breath.

"Che cosa?" Italian's my second language in case you didn't know. Fuck. Has Bella told you guys nothing about me? Conceited bitch.

"Nothing, nothing at all. I'll be back with security," he ran his hands through his hair, and set off.

"That's what I thought you said."

It seemed like it had been hours since Eddie went to go fetch help. I bet you my first born that he ran into Bellaroo and they're fucking behind some game stand right now. Sigh. If you want to get anything done you're going to have to do it yourself. Just like momma taught me.

I reached into my pocket, pulled out a pair of shiny metal handcuffs, and snapped them around my wannabe assailant's wrists.

"What the hell?" he sounded mad now.

Wait a…I've heard his voice before. I turned him around so I could get a good look at him. He was so familiar, but I couldn't place him.

"How do I know you?" I asked suspiciously.

"What?" he played dumb.

I rolled my eyes, and dragged him off in search of Eddie. After a few minutes of searching, we spotted Eddie arguing with a suit-clad man. Oh man did he look pissed. He almost looked as mad as Teresa Guidice when she flipped that table. A few other security officers stood behind the man, as if to protect him.

I threw my special friend at one of the men. "Keep it," I told him as he looked at me in shock.

"What's happening?" I questioned.

Edward seemed distraught, so I repeated my question to suit guy.

"Well, it seems our security cameras caught something that you may find as bad news," he was all business.

"_May find as bad news!_" Edward yelled, fury in his eyes. I was afraid I would have to hold him back.

Suit man continued, "Your friend, Isabella Swan," my chest tightened, preparing for the worst. "It seems someone, might have, erm…_taken_ her."

"What the fuck do you mean, someone might have taken her?" I yelled. Eddie was going to have to hold _me _back.

"It was all caught on tape!" Edward yelled, "If some people were doing their fucking jobs, and had been paying fucking attention, this wouldn't have happened!" He directed this last part at the officers.

"There is no need to get so irate, Mr. Cullen, we have the license plate number, and the Port Angeles city police have already been informed. We have a full investigation going on right as we speak," the man's voice cracked, probably afraid that one of us was going to punch him.

"I swear to God if there is one fucking hair on her head harmed, I'm suing all your asses!" At this point I can't tell you if it was I or Edward who said that.

As Edward continued to argue and threaten the suit, I took the opportunity to take another look at the man who tried to attack me, and my eyes looked him up and down speculatively. Then I put all the puzzle pieces together.

Lévesque!

**Bella Point of View**

I sat there, counting the amount of doors and windows. That would come in handy later, although most of them were blocked off by long pieces of wood. I'm pretty sure I'm in an abandoned warehouse. Not the most creative place to hold a hostage, but that was even better for me. You want to be in the places people would look first. I also kept my eyes open for anything I could possibly use for a weapon.

A noise came from behind me, the sound of door rattling open.

"So fucking high-maintenance," he complained, sitting raucously in his chair. "Do you know how long that line was? And the people who work there are so slow! This is why I hate you Americans."

If we were in any other situation I would have laughed.

"Open your mouth," he told me before continuing on with his rant, "And the lady in front of me ordered _so_ much food. And let me tell you, it was going straight to her thighs. As had the last five hundred if you know what I mean. And- hey, open your mouth!"

I hesitantly did so. He stuck the straw into my waiting mouth, and I sucked it slowly. I relaxed when I realized it had not been tampered with.

"By the way, has anyone ever told you that you eat a lot?" he asked, pulling out a fry and stuffing it my mouth.

All day err day.

"But at least your pretty. Not like the lady at the store." I was startled when he pinched at my stomach, "See? Not any fat at all. If the circumstances were different, I'd probably ask you to be one of the models for my new line. Oh did I mention that? I have a fashion line that will be out in spring! Spring of 2015. But it's a start right?"

He fed me, all the while explaining every piece of clothing he had ever created.

Leave it to me to get the only ADD kidnapper on the planet.

**Kidnapper Point of View**

Stupid little bitch had to go and ruin everything again!

But that's okay, I've got everything under control. So they'll take down my darling little Joseph. To be honest, that's what I've been planning on all along, it's just a little sooner than I had been expecting. He's just a pawn in my game.

Disposable.

At least I could count on Jean-Paul. He was able to get the girl with no problems. He may be a little annoying, but at least he got the job done.

My whole plan was ingenious if you ask me. Throw everyone off guard by creating fake notes and a whole story about a secret admirer gone overboard. No one would expect anything from little old me. Give that asshole James an opportunity to accept my indecent proposal, and if he didn't…then Joseph would take care of him and his little friend too.

I'm probably confusing you, so let me start from the beginning.

James and I both attended the same styling school. We were at the same level of technique, but James held something that I lacked.

A good personality.

All our peers just adored James. Our teachers doted on him. Everyone loved him and it made me sick to my stomach.

When it came time for the school to offer one spot to a special pupil, it was no surprise to anyone that it was given to James. From then on he moved up, from working with celebrities, to the hottest models in the world. And where was I?

At Harvey's Barber Shop.

No one wanted me. I had the talent, but no one would give me recommendations. I sent my application to at least fifty little shops in Phoenix, and heard back from none of them. So I decided maybe I'd do better in a new setting. Washington seemed as good as anywhere else, within a week, someone had gotten back to me! And one of the most prestigious salons in the state!

And like everything else in my life, it was shattered. I got a call saying my services were no longer required. Someone with a much better resume applied, and they'd be a fool to turn them down.

It was none of than my arch rival. James.

And so I plotted, and came up with my devious plan. James would quit, ensuring me the job, or I'd kill both him and his Isabella, and make it look like a scene from some Lifetime movie.

And I, Pierre Lévesque, would finally get everything I ever wanted.


	23. Chapter 23

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Hello guys, I know I haven't updated in a while, the next chapter is taking a bit longer to construct, so I thought I'd give you guys this little bundle of joy.

**Some news, you can now follow me on twitter, (at)RealitySJunky, it'll be an easier way for you all to yell at me for not updating. :)**

**Enjoy!**

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****Bella's Point of View**

**(First day of Kindergarten)**

"Bells, you need to wake up now."

"No."

"Yes."

"I'm exercising my civil right as an American citizen and staging a strike," I mumbled, rubbing my face into the warmth and softness that was my pillow.

"And _I'm_ exercising my fatherly rights by saying if you don't get up this instant, you're getting cereal for breakfast like every other child in America." At this cruel threat I popped up instantly.

"You're mean!" I pouted indignantly.

"It's your first day of school Bella, aren't you excited?"

"No!"

My papa sighed, "Bella, you're going to go and make a ton of new friends, and you'll learn so much!"

"I'm a natural born genius, clearly. And I enjoy being antisoshi- antisoce- What was that word again?" I crinkled my eyebrows in confusion.

"Antisocial?" he asked.

"Yeah, that!"

"Bella-"

"_Daddy_," I pleaded, "Don't make me go!" I laid back down, and pulled my fuzzy blanket back over my head.

"Bella, if you don't get up this instant, I'm taking away that new comic book we got you yesterday," he told me, leaving no room for argument. I sighed and fifteen minutes later, I was ready.

Yesterday Daddy and me had another…erm… disagreement about school. My papa tells me it's nicer to say disagreement than fight. I don't think there is a difference though. But anyway, I wanted to wear my favorite Batman shirt and jeans. Silly papa says they're too worn out to wear to school, and he said that I should wear some of the clothes that my mom, Renee, sent me. We made a- what was that word? Oh yeah, _compromise. _I didn't have to wear one of those weird dresses, but nice jeans and a pretty sweater.

I ran down the staircase, following the strong scent of bacon. Padre was sitting at the table, reading the newspaper, and I sat in my usual seat. I blinked up at him expectantly, and he quietly chuckled, fixing me a plate of food.

I happily began to stuff my piggish little face.

"Now Bella," Daddy began, his tone now stern.

It seemed like my amount of fun went down significantly when he used that tone. I now eyed him suspiciously.

He continued, looking weary, "Today you are probably going to meet some kids that you don't particularly like. And when that happens, you are not allowed to _tell_ them you don't like them, trick them into giving you things you want, break their toys, put bugs or other inedible things in their food, tell them they are 'insignificant wastes of space in this otherwise mediocre world'. I mean, geeze, where do you even get these things?"

I shrugged my shoulders.

"The point is, I know how your mind works and you need to behave. If I get a call saying that you made someone cry, there will be serious consequences," he paused to take a breath, "Now go brush your teeth, I'll get your backpack." He picked me up and set me on my feet. I scowled up at him.

"Now Bella."

And here. We. Go.

**Edward's Point of View**

"Shut up Emmett!" I yelled, knocking the muffin out of his too-big hands. We both watched it fall to the kitchen floor, crumbling into little pieces. His eyes went wide, and I think he even started to tear up a little bit. I sighed and rolled my eyes, he's such a big baby.

"How could you do that?" he exclaimed dramatically.

"I told you stop making fun of my hair!" I yelled back, scowling at him.

"How is it the muffin's fault that you look like a carrot!" he yelled.

With a growl I lunged at him, but before I could cause any damage I felt two arms grab and lift me away.

"Edward, why were you trying to dismember your brother?" my dad asked, settling me up against his hip.

Emmett quickly cut in, "He knocked down my muffin!"

"He keeps telling me that my hair looks like pumpkins!" I shouted, glaring at Emmett.

Our mom's stern voice startled us all, "Emmett, what did I tell you about antagonizing Edward? And Edward, how many times have I told you not to take out your aggressions by hitting Emmett?"

Now we were _really _in trouble.

Emmett cocked his head to the side, obviously confused, "What does antagonize mean?"

A loud, annoying, bell-like laugh erupted throughout the kitchen. Ugh, it was our little pixie of a sister Alice. Alice and I are furt- fatu- fraternal twins. We don't look alike, and I'm happy because if a guy was as tiny as her it would be really weird.

"Emmett's so dumb," she giggled. I could tell it made Emmett mad because his forehead scrunched together.

"Alice!" Dad scolded, "Don't call your brother dumb!"

"But it's okay because he has cooties!" she exclaimed, as if everything would now make sense.

Emmett's eyes widened in horror, he frantically looked between Mom and Dad, "I don't have cooties, do I?"

"Edward, clean up this mess," Mom told me, ignoring him, I opened up my mouth to argue but she gave me a sharp look. Emmett stuck his tongue out at me, but I was the one laughing when she continued her sentence, " and Emmett, you and I are going to have a talk about teasing others."

"What about me?" Alice asked, probably feeling left out.

"No one likes you Alice," Me and Emmett said at the same time.

She glowered at us, while our parents shook their heads.

My Dad put me down, and grabbed Alice's hand to lead her to the kitchen table, "Come on sweetheart, let's go get you some breakfast."

About ten minutes later we were all sitting around the table, enjoying our tasty food. My Dad began to chuckle and we all looked at him curiously.

He took a sip of his coffee before speaking, "I was just thinking about that Isabella Swan, the chief's daughter, she's such a riot."

Mom let out a soft giggle, "She came in yesterday?"

"Yes, she fell off the kitchen counter. Apparently when her babysitter went to go use the restroom, she wanted to nab a few cookies. She lost her balance and fell, no major damage, it was more the scare than anything." He started to quietly laugh again.

"Aw, poor dear, she's such a little sweetheart. She'll be in the same class as Edward and Alice, I saw Charlie at the orientation last week," Mom stated.

Alice suddenly piped up, "Is that girl we saw at the market the other day Momma? With the policeman?"

"Yes, that was her Alice, you should talk to her when you see her today," Mom replied.

"Okay! I like her, she's really pretty."

"Alice, you know that looks don't matter though, right? You should want to be her friend no matter what she looks life," Dad said more seriously.

"I know Daddy, I was just saying," she told him in her duh-tone.

"Okay honey, just making sure," he checked his watch, and stood up to take his plate to the sink "I really need to get going now." He placed a kiss on the top of each of our heads before stopping to Mom, and giving her a long hard kiss on her mouth.

Alice, Emmett and I shared the same disgusted look. _Gross._

He turned to us, lifting up his eyebrow in that cool way he does. "Be good," he said, looking us each directly in the eye. Me and Alice started laugh because he looked extra long at Emmett.

"I'm always good!" Emmett said, looking up at him innocently, "it's those two twins of terror that you have to look out for."

"Alright that's enough," Mom interrupted, "Kids, go upstairs and be ready, because we're leaving in a few minutes."

"Let's go Mary-Alice, you too Eddie," Emmett, called whistling as he began his way towards the staircase.

"Stop calling me Eddie!"

**Bella's Point of View**

"Do I really have to stay _here_?" I pouted up at my daddy, even though he couldn't see me because he was checking both ways so we could cross the street, just like he always taught me to.

"Yes Bella you do," he sighed, leading me to what I'm going to assume is my new classroom. When we walked in, I knew all my fears of wild cry-babies, unpleasant looking teachers, and too-bright posters each containing a letter from the alphabet were true.

Ugh.

Daddy then led us toward the teacher. She was talking to another kid's Mom, so I took a moment to study her. Her hair was reddish-brown, and she was tall, really tall, taller than papa. She smiled at Daddy, "Chief Swan, how nice to see you!"

"You too, Tina," Daddy said back. She then bent down so she could look me in the eye.

"Hello Sweetheart! My name is Mrs. Gibbs, what yours?" Her breath smelled like coffee and her smile bothered my eyes.

"Pedro," I answered, and I heard Daddy sigh.

"I'm sorry, she's going through a phase right now where she's been telling everyone her name is Pedro. It's Isabella, but she prefers Bella," Daddy explained, giving my hand a warning squeeze.

Mrs. Gibbs laughed, and I just stared up at her. "Are you excited for today Bella? We're going to have so much fun!"

"Sure," I responded.

Mrs. Gibbs looked a little taken aback from my tone, and Daddy cleared his through, "She gets it from her mother, I swear."

I giggled, because my mom says the same thing when I'm with her. Only about Daddy.

"Aw," Mrs. Gibbs cooed at me, "Isn't that just the sweetest sound in the world?" Now she was invading my personal space vicinity. Needless to say, I let it be known.

"Eres demasiado estrecha!" I scowled at her.

"She's bilingual?" Mrs. Gibbs asked, astonished.

"Only when she's angry," Padre muttered under his breath. He now bent down to my level. "Bella, I have to leave now. Mrs. Starks is going to pick you up as soon as school gets out." Mrs. Starks and Mr. Starks are the little old couple that live next door. I like going over to their house a lot. She bakes lots and lots of cookies for me and Mr. Starks always gives me toys and money. Daddy kept talking, "Remember our deal, you need to be good."

"Okay Daddy," I said and then I wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him a big hug.

"Bye sweetheart," he gave me an extra squeeze before saying goodbye to the crazy lady and leaving.

"Okay Bella! Why don't I show you to your seat!" Mrs. Gibbs was much too excited for so early in the morning. She led me to an empty table, and I saw _Isabella_ written out in pretty cursive on a name card.

"Just sit right here until it's time for class to begin!" she smiled before walking away to talk to some other Mom's and Daddy's.

This is going to be a long day.

**Edward's Point of View**

"Does my hair look okay Edward?" Alice asked me as we neared our classroom.

I wanted to say no because I think it would be funny, but she looked so serious and I was a little afraid she would start crying if I did. So I said, "Yes Alice."

She beamed at me, then linked our arms together.

I took a look around the room as we entered. There was a lot of noise and all the kids that were already here were sitting down at little desks with their name on a card sitting in front of them. The desks were individual, but were pushed together to make bigger tables. There were a lot of colorful posters all around the walls, and a fish tank in the corner. Mom led us to the teacher.

She was really, really tall. I hope I'm as tall as her when I grow up.

"Mrs. Cullen! How have you been?" She exclaimed, smiling at Mom.

My Mom smiled back, "Hello Tina, I've been good, just trying to control these little monsters, and you?"

The tall lady laughed, "Good, and I guess I could say the same," she gestured towards the sitting children. She bent down next to me and Alice. "And who might you two be?"

Alice, always looking for an opportunity to talk, responded enthusiastically, "Hi! I'm Alice and he's Edward!"

The lady smiled, she seemed to do that a lot, "Hello Alice and Edward. My name is Mrs. Gibbs. We are going to have so much fun today! Why don't I show you guys to your seats?"

"Okay!" Alice exclaimed.

Mrs. Gibbs took Alice to her seat first, and that's when I saw her.

I had never felt anything like this before in my long five years of life. Her beautiful face was little and heart shaped, and she had pale, creamy skin with a slight rose tinted across her cheeks. Her nose was tiny, and her lips were red, full, and pouted out in annoyance. Her big eyes and long hair were a gorgeous brown, not like dirt, but like chocolate. She was so adorably tiny, not as small as Alice, but really dainty. She was an angel that had fallen down from Heaven, and I wanted to just put her in my pocket and keep her forever.

_I think I'm in love._

**Bella's Point of View**

I took a moment from my scowling to look at the person that would be joining my table. It was the little fairy girl I saw at the market the other day with daddy, and it looked like she would be sitting next to me. I was grateful because she seemed like a better companion than any of the other kids here.

"Hi!" she beamed at me, "I'm Alice!"

Too hyper I thought, but smiled at her pleasantly, "Hello, I'm Bella."

"I know! I saw you at the market the other day with the policeman. Is he your Daddy? And do you remember me?" Alice asked hopefully.

"Yes, he's my Daddy and yes, I remember you," I told her.

"Oh!" she smiled again, "I can tell we're going to be the best of friends!"

"Sure." I responded.

"My brother Edward is in this class too!" she exclaimed, and then pointed at another table where a boy with reddish hair was sitting. Except the boy's hair was a lot nicer than Mrs. Gibbs. It was like...a really cool, shiny penny. He was pale, just like me, and he had bright green eyes, like those stones called emeralds. He was looking at me too, and when he noticed me looking at him, he smiled. He was too pretty for a boy, but he seemed friendly so I smiled back.

The next hour or so went off smoothly, and I didn't think I would have to worry about any trouble coming my way.

Then snack time came.

Mrs. Gibbs had handed out a juice box and two cookies to each student, and allowed us to go interact with our peers. This is all good, and then Alice drags me along to go sit with her brother Edward and their mutual friend Jasper. This is all good, and then I decide I want to go take a look at the colorful fishes swimming in the aquarium. This is all good, and then I bump into a kid Tyler. My cookies fall.

This is _not_ all good.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, not sounding very sorry at all.

"You made me drop my cookies!" I yell.

"Cookies are _gross_ anyway!" a girl by the name of Lauren suddenly buts in.

"Well your face is gross but the rest of us have enough social skills to not say it out loud," I tell her.

She gasps, and knocks the juice-box out of my hand. My mouth drops open in shock. "You vile human being!" I shout.

She pushes me.

Oh _heck_ no!

I launch myself on top of her, and start to smack her ugly face as much as I can from this position.

"Isabella Swan! Get off of Lauren right this instant!" I hear Mrs. Gibb's voice yell hazily through my anger, so I quickly stand up. "Snack time is over for you, Bella. Go sit in the time-out corner!"

"But Tina!"

Her little green eyes scrunched up together in anger, and she pointed her long bony finger at a small chair located in the far corner of the room by the fish tank. "Go sit down in time out. This is not how we conduct ourselves in this classroom, and you will never refer to me by my first name again. You better believe I will be calling your father young lady."

I glared at her, I glared at Tyler, I glared at Lauren, and then I dragged my feet over to the time out corner. I plopped down as loudly as possible.

"Everyone, go back to your assigned seats and finish snack time quietly," Stupid-face Tina told everyone else.

I crossed my arms glaring at everyone enjoying their snack time. Because of stupid Tyler and Lauren I didn't get to eat my cookies, I am stuck in this suffocating little corner all by myself, and Daddy probably won't buy me the new comic book he promised me. Why must life be so cruel?

"Bella!" I heard someone whisper. I looked to see Edward standing at the box of crayons, pretending to be picking out colors, but really looking at me.

"Yes?" I asked, confused.

Before I even realized what was happening, he had placed two cookies in my lap, and was again looking in the box of crayons.

"Edward!" I whisper-yelled, "These are your cookies! You can't give them to me!"

"Of course I can!" he responded, keeping a look out for stupid-face Tina, "It wasn't fair what happened. And besides, my mom packed a cupcake in my lunchbox. You need them more than I do."

I was so touched by his kindness that I almost started to tear up a bit. _Almost._

"Thank you Edward," I smiled shyly.

He beamed back at me, "Anytime beautiful Bella. Anytime."

* * *

**I hope you guys liked it! Tweet or comment and tell me what you thought! Or don't...you know it's all cool with me! Isn't Eddie-boy the little charmer...**

**And by the way, I had this ready to post on Saturday night, but FF is being difficult and wouldn't let me, and it won't let me search for anything either, you should tell me if it's doing it to you guys as well, so I know I'm not alone.**

**-Victoria**


	24. Chapter 24

**Hello all. I appreciate all the reviews and story alerts and such. I really hope you like this chapter because I spent a lot of time and thought on it. Sorry if you see grammar\spelling mistakes that I missed. As sad as I am to say, the chapter after this will be the last.**

**Please enjoy! :)**

* * *

**Levesque's Point of View**

"Jean-Paul!" I yelled, banging hard on the heavy wooden door, "It's me, let me in!"

"What is the secret password?" He yelled back in his annoyingly thick accent, looking at me through a peephole I had not noticed before.

"We didn't have a secret password you imbecile!"

"Oh."

I immediately heard the sound of the locks being undone. I breezed passed him, not wanting to look at his useless self any more than necessary.

"We really should have a secret password," he mumbled under his breath.

_That stupid little-_ No…calm down. _One…two…three…four…_

"We have a problem Jean-Paul," I needed to alert him of the Joseph situation.

"Que?"

This took my by surprise, "When did you learn Spanish?"

He started to blush, and looked down at his expensive Italian loafers, "Um, I don't really know it, um, the girl yells at me in it sometimes."

"Oh for the love of God!"

"She's just so mean! And you have to meet her, she has the devil's eyes! The devil's eyes!"

_One…two…three…four…five…_

"They have Joseph in police custody now," I told him, pinching the bridge of my nose, partly to clear my head and partly to give my hands something other to do than hitting him.

"Oh no!" Jean-Paul gasped, "So he wasn't able to get Ja-"

I felt the vein in my neck bulge out, "How many times do I have to tell you not to say his name out loud?"

"Sorry boss man."

"Where is she?" I questioned, looking around and not spotting her.

"Oh! She is asleep in the other room! I will show you!" he bounced up and down giddily. I swear, I will shoot _myself _before this whole debacle is over. He quickly led me to the small office all the way in the back of the warehouse.

"So this is that monster's main confidant, Isabella Swan," I murmured, studying her small heart-shaped face. Figures that he would have a beautiful, successful, sassy little sidekick and I get stuck with two dimwits.

_He just has to outdo me in everything!_

"So what is the plan boss man?"

This brought a grin to my face.

"We need to get out of this place, because it's only a matter of time before they find us here. Especially if Joseph rats us out. There is a cottage deep into the woods, I have set it up for us-"

"How are we going to get there? This is a small town, wouldn't they maybe see us driving?" He asked confused, cocking his head to the side.

"We are going by train," I paused to take a breath and his eyes popped open, "Let me rephrase this. We are going to _hide_ on the back of a cargo train. They will stop about a mile away from the cottage, and then will walk there." I rolled my eyes, the idea of walking a mile obviously frightened him.

"From there I will call the monster and state my demands," I said, grinning at the prospect.

"_Our_ demands."

"That's what I said."

"But boss man, won't they be able to trace the call?" Jean-Paul questioned.

"Don't worry about that, Jean-Paul," I said, walking towards the door, "I will be back at eleven _sharp_. We have to be at the train station at exactly eleven thirty-five. It is imperative that we are _not_ late," I told him.

I prayed he would be able to help me get this simple task right.

**Bella's Point of View**

I was jolted awake from my uncomfortable slumber. It took a few minutes for my hazy mind and vision to clear. I then realized that I was being carried, and it looked like they were moving me to the trunk of some car.

Fuck that shit.

I took a big gulp of air, filling my lungs as much as possible, and then let out the loudest scream I could manage. Suddenly the arms surrounding me jolted, and I began tumbling to the ground. I grabbed the silky sleeve of my captor's shirt, so I could bring them down with me.

"Ah!" I heard my captor scream, he then rolled on top of me, probably to detain me. There was a lot of struggle before I heard a frantically angry unfamiliar voice.

"Jean-Paul! What is going on?" I suddenly felt two arms lift me up, and before I could do any damage my wrists were handcuffed behind me.

"Fuck!" I yelled, trying to wiggle my way out of the handcuffs.

I was turned around and able to take a good look at my captor's accomplice. He was…petite, shorter than average and really thin. He had thick black hair, with matching eyebrows. His nose was large, his small eyes bright blue, and his lips were pale pink and pursed at me, obviously annoyed. I felt my blood boil.

Oh no, Bella don't play in that sandbox.

"Bitch please," and then I gave him my best bitch brow, and he now looked affronted.

"See!" my new ADD friend quipped, me and little Napoleon here looked to him questioningly, so he continued, "I told you she was unpleasant! Look into her eyes! Look into her eyes!"

My mouth dropped open. Napoleon curiously tried to stare into my eyes.

Oh no this trick didn't.

I know this trick did _not _just say that.

Before he had the chance to blink I kicked up my leg and battement-ed him in his stupid French, ADD face. He immediately fell to the ground, but I didn't have time to bask in the pride of my victory, because quick as a flash Napoleon pulled out a small black taser.

FML.

The little stumps I call legs ran on their own accord.

"Get back here!" he panted, probably out of shape.

"N-n-no!" I panted even louder, _obviously _out of shape.

Suddenly, I felt his awkwardly tiny body leap onto my back. We both went down without any delay. I squirmed around, trying with all my strength to push him off me, but he didn't budge.

"Don't resist!" He yelled.

"Okay!" I conceded, "Just get off of me! Good Lord, someone had one too many donuts this morning."

He gasped in outrage, but got off none the less, "I had half a grapefruit, thank you very much!"

"And about a dozen Krispy Kremes!"

The sight of his fists clenching with hostility brought joyous feelings into my heart.

"1-800-988-6292."

"What?" His beautifully arched eyebrows rose in confusion.

"You should call that number and buy some weight-loss smoothies," I told him, "And I know this great Pilates instructor that will turn that fat into muscle like _that!_" I snapped my fingers for emphasis.

His jaw dropped and his eyes narrowed at me.

But I continued on, "If you're one of the first one-hundred callers, not only can you get a free two week trial, but you'll also receive a blender!"

Suddenly I felt the wind get knocked out of me. All my muscles began to spasm, and it felt like someone was sticking a hot spike up through my diaphragm. I couldn't move though, I had absolutely no control over my body. I fell to the ground.

It took me some time to collect my thoughts and catch my breath. I could vaguely hear Napoleon and ADD shouting at each other. I felt the handcuffs being taken off of me, and one of the two- probably ADD- lifted, carried, and then set me in the soft back seat of the car. My mind was finally able to clear.

It is on.

I launched myself at Napoleon with as much force as I could, knocking us both to the ground.

I pinched his nose, clamped my hand over his mouth, and watched in delight as his face went purple. He tried to claw at me, but that didn't deter me.

ADD did not like this, "Stop it!" he pulled me off of Napoleon, "You two give me biggest migraine!"

"FUCK!" Napoleon shouted suddenly after a few silent seconds.

Me and ADD looked at him curiously

"The train left at 12:40, it is now 1:00!" he yelled.

I was very concerned about the fact that they were planning to take me somewhere by train. Anyone who watches _Lifetime _horror movies as extensively as I do, knows that when your captor takes you somewhere by train it is never good.

"Relax boss man, we can just take another train, right?" ADD said, trying to be helpful.

"No! That is the only cargo train going in that direction until 7:00! _We don't have until seven!_" Napoleon started pulling at his hair, a movement that reminded me of Edward. A sharp pang shot through my chest.

"Oh," ADD responded weakly.

Napoleon then went on to a long string of curses, he kicked one of the tires. "We can't stay here for much longer," he murmured, "It's only a matter of time before they get a lead and find us."

"Let's just take her to your apartment," ADD said, as if it was the most obvious solution in the world.

"That's the first place they would look, you nitwit!" growled Napoleon.

There was tense silence before an extremely awkward and girlish screech came from ADD's throat.

"We can take her to Mama!" ADD was now clapping his hands together excitedly, although Napoleon eyed him speculatively. ADD spoke again, "No one will think to look for us there! And Mama will be so excited, she adores having company!"

"I know Jean-Paul, but your mother…" Napoleon let his sentence trail off.

ADD cocked his head to the side, and gave Napoleon _his _best bitch brow, "What about my mother?"

Napoleon put his hands up defensively, probably deducing he had no other options, "Nothing, she's a wonderful woman."

"That's what I thought you said."

**Edward's Point of View**

"God," I groaned, running my hands through my hair, "It shouldn't take us this long to find a lead! Someone _has _to have seen them!"

By now, everyone had been alerted of Bella's abduction. My mother and father, Alice, Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie, a plethora of police officers, a few detectives, and the chief were all currently crammed into the apartment. I swear, this whole thing threw poor Charlie into a premature heart attack. I wasn't much better. The only people who seemed to be in the right frame of mind were the authorities. Authorities…Bella would have called them the "Po-po".

Bella.

I suddenly felt the urge to slam someone's head against a brick wall. Preferably, this "Lévesque" who took her.

James had come to a plausible conclusion. Apparently he and Pierre Lévesque went to beauty school together. Levesque, not containing much talent for hairdressing, constantly blamed James for his own failure at building a solid career as a hairstylist. All throughout their schooling, James received 'anonymous' threats, although it was clear they were sent by Lévesque. Joseph, the man who tried to abduct James, was now in police custody and confirmed James' theories of Lévesque coming back to obtain revenge.

The investigators had been questioning Joseph about Levesque's whereabouts, but he's been claiming to have no knowledge. Apparently, as soon as he had captured James, he was supposed to call Lévesque for further instruction. That's where James currently was, at the police station trying to get more information out of him.

Now we wait, and hope that someone will call with a lead.

Within moments James burst through the front door, "They were in that abandoned warehouse on the corner of first and Stark, the one where the old Target used to be!"

We all immediately jumped to our feet, and a feeling of hope crept through my whole body.

Before anyone could say anything, a detective that had been trailing behind James spoke up, "They are no longer at the assumed location, but there is abundant evidence leading us to believe this is where they were hiding out."

James cut back in, "So now we're going to go do a thorough search of the area, and see if there is anything indicating where they will be heading next."

We all split up in separate cars. James and I rode along in the Chief's squad car.

"How'd they find out about the warehouse?" the Chief wanted to know.

"Well," James began, "When we weren't getting anything else out of Joseph, we decided to head back to the apartment, and as we were driving past it, I just got this feeling. You know how they say twins have the telepathy thing? It was kind of like that, I could just _feel_ Bella."

We were at the warehouse within minutes, and inside even sooner. It seemed like we spent hours looking for some clue that would lead us to their location. And yet…nothing. There was no scribbled directions, or hastily written addresses. No train, bus, or plane tickets accidentally left behind. Someone was currently working on following the tire tracks, but we were told not to be so hopeful, as they probably wouldn't be able to keep up if they had taken a busy street, much less the freeway.

Detective Boelens, the head of this investigation, spoke up, "We have sent some officers to search the apartment's of Levesque and his accomplice, but be aware they probably will not find much-"

"Hey!" Alice interrupted, and all eyes cut to her. "Look!" she held up an issue of _Vogue _and we all sighed in unison.

"Alice," Jasper said patiently, "Darling, now is really not the time to be looking at clothes."

She rolled her eyes, and shoved it in my hands, pointing at the bottom right, "Look, there's an address! And it's not Levesque's or Jean-Paul's!" She was right.

1620 Bayside Ave., apartment number 34, here we come.

**Bella Point of View**

People call _me_ crazy.

I have never met a woman as blatantly out of her mind as ADD's mother in my life. I can't express my emotions in words. Maybe in a loud groan similar to the one a gazelle would make as it is being violently torn apart by a hungry lion. But not in words.

I think I've been traumatized.

-Earlier that day-

"_Hold her down," Napoleon ordered ADD._

"_The hell he will!"_

"_You are very unpleasant to be around, do you know that?"_

"_Oh well pardon me, there wasn't a chapter in Countess LuAnn's book on how to politely speak to your kidnapper. I'll tweet her and tell her to work on it."_

"_Who is this Countess LuAnn you speak of?" ADD asked._

"_Have you ever heard about The Real Housewives of New York?"_

"_Is about rich bitches in New York City who have too much botox, yes?"_

"_Yeah!"_

_Before I realized what was happening, Napoleon lifted my top to expose my midriff._

_I was slightly confused, "And I thought you swung the other way."_

_He pressed a black device up against my stomach, and began to duct tap it all the way around. My jaw dropped. "Hey! Stop it! What are you doing?" I didn't have a chance to try and push him away, because ADD took a hold of my arms and held them above my head._

_Once he was finished, he stood up and pulled my shirt back down, I glared at him. "This is a bomb. I don't think it would be a good idea to keep you handcuffed and duct-taped everywhere we go, and this will ensure that you won't try to escape. The bomb will only go off if I personally set it off."_

"_Where did you get a bomb?" was the only question that came to mind._

"_Don't worry about it."_

"_No, it's just…anyone can get a bomb whenever they please now? I mean, what is the world coming to?"_

"_You know, that's exactly what I was thinking! Humanity is seriously lacking."_

"_Tell me about it."_

"_If you two are done," ADD cut in, "Mama is waiting."_

_The inside of ADD's mother's apartment is…eccentric. That's the word your supposed to use when you want to say crazy-as-fuck but don't want to come off as rude, correct?_

"_Mama!" ADD called out._

_A woman in a fluorescent green unitard was what came to greet us. Her hair was bright red, but obviously died, and her makeup looked as it had been applied by one of the Kardashians._

"_Cutie-patutie!" her thick accent was more annoying as ADD's, if that was possible._

"_Oh Mama!" ADD exclaimed and threw his arms around the "eccentric" woman. He stepped back and looked her up and down, "You've been using your Thighmaster!"_

"_You've noticed!" She beamed._

"_Hello Patty," Napoleon mumbled, reluctantly._

_Her dark blue eyes narrowed into little slits, "Look what the cat dragged in."_

"_Mama!"_

_Patty then cut her beady eyes to me, giving me the once-over. She eventually growled out, "Are you some dirty little slut trying to seduce my Jean-Paul? Because he has plans, he's going to be a famous designer one day, and he won't have any room for whore's like you in his life."_

_I was dumbstruck, but eventually recovered enough to give her a response, "Um…no, I'm the dirty little slut your Jean-Paul kidnapped."_

_She gasped at me in horror, "Young lady! You shouldn't be using foul language like that! You are lucky I do not wash your mouth out with soap!"_

_Napoleon leaned in to whisper in my ear, "Do you understand my hesitance?"_

_I nodded my head stupidly._

"_Hey!" ADD clapped his hands together, "Why don't you guys have a seat, I'll get refreshments! Do you have any iced-tea Mama?"_

"_Of course Sweetie! It's in the fridge," she smiled at him adoringly._

_The next fifteen minutes were spent in silence._

"_So, Mama, why don't you tell us about your day?" ADD finally said._

"_Well, I didn't do much, I went back to Dr. Armstrong, he told me the herpes in my private area are looking significantly better."_

_Me and Napoleon spit the iced-tea out of our mouths, and she glared at us._

"_Oh don't pretend like either of you have never had herpes, I won't believe it," she kept her gaze on Napoleon, "Especial you Pierre, I know all about your prostitutes, and we all know you're not smart enough to use a rubber."_

_Napoleon was outraged, "I have NEVER hired a prostitute in my life! Well…except for that one time in Vegas, but everyone knows Vegas doesn't count."_

"_Mama?" ADD cut in, his cheeks pink with embarrassment._

"_Yes?" she smiled warmly at him. This was whole situation was just plain fucked up._

"_We're going to go get lunch now," Napoleon and I jumped to our feet, and tripped over each other as we tried to get to our coats. "Would you like us to bring you back something?"_

"_No my little sugar pie honey bunch," she stood up to take his face into her small hands, "Have fun, but don't eat too much. You know it goes straight to your hips!"_

_ADD sighed, but forced a smile, "Of course Mama."_

-Present-

We were now in the car, eating burgers in the parking lot of In-n-Out. I was still dumbstruck.

"So we can't go to my apartment, we can't go to your apartment, we can't go to her apartment, and I will never go back to your mother's apartment, so what now?" Napoleon was clearly frustrated.

"She mean's well-"

Napoleon and I interrupted ADD with our laughter. His glare silenced us.

"There's a- what do you Americans call it?- oh yes, a KFC on Alexander St. that has just closed down," ADD suggested after a long silence.

Napoleon contemplated for a couple moments, "Why the fuck not?"

And to KFC we go.

**Edward's Point of View**

"Hello! What has brought you fine gentleman to my humble abode?" An…ah…_interesting_ woman answered in an even more interesting accent. She looked to be in her late fifties, and was wearing this odd green body-suit type thing.

"Hello, my name is detective Boelens, we are here to investigate the kidnapping of Isabella Swan. I regret to inform you that your son, Jean-Paul, is a suspected accomplice, and we have reason to believe that they may have come here."

"Oh! My Jean-Paul was just here!" My ears perked up. "And he was with that blasted little twerp, Pierre Levesque. Oh, and there was a girl with them. Very pretty, but needs to watch the language. And between you and me," she leaned in to whisper scandalously, "She seemed like a slut, and I think she was mentioning something about having herpes."

Bella does _not_ have herpes. Trust me. I would know.

Detective Boelens cleared his throat, "Err…Mrs.…"

"Call me Patty!" she exclaimed.

"Okay Patty, do you have any idea where they may be headed?"

"Nope."

About half an hour later we were finally back in the apartment, our unofficial headquarters. I'd explain more of our wonderful experience inside the home of the crazy woman, but you know what they say about repressing unpleasant memories.

The phone began to ring, and we all waited in bated breath.

Detective Boelens was the one to answer, "Isabella?"

**Bella Point of View**

So this is my life. I'm a hostage being held in an abandoned KFC by two mediocre kidnappers. Cool.

"Put it on speakerphone!" ADD exclaimed to Napoleon, who was now dialing James' cell phone. Napoleon rolled his eyes, but still did what was asked.

"Isabella?" an unfamiliar voice asked.

"Guess again." Napoleon may have come off as the confidant, clever super-villain he considered himself to be if he wasn't fiddling with the phone cord and shaking like a leaf.

"Levesque." It wasn't a question.

"Who is this?" Napoleon questioned.

"I'm Detecti-"

"No!" Napoleon yelled, "Put that monster James on the phone!"

"Okay," The detective tried to appease the motherfucker, "We'll get him on right now, just calm down."

There was some hushed whispers, and then James began to speak, "Hello?"

I am not an extremely emotional person(unless the emotion is anger). So, I did not expect myself to get choked up with tears at the sound of my best friend's voice. In my defense, it's been a long fucking day. I've been tased and verbally abused by a crazy old French woman for heaven's sake! I deserve a good cry!

"So we meet again," Napoleon murmured, his eyes going hard.

"It seems so," James responded, he was about to say something else, but Napoleon interrupted him.

"Let's cut the chat," he said, in a frightening tone I had yet to hear him use, "I want your job."

There was a pause, "Is that it? Then you'll let Bella go?"

Napoleon shook his head, "I want money. Starting my own salon won't be cheap."

ADD tensed, "And my fashion line too, right?" He was ignored.

"How much money do you want?" James asked.

Napoleon was quick to respond, "A quarter of a million."

"So my job, and a quarter of a million dollars. If we get that for you, you will let Bella go?" James asked again.

"Yes."

James spoke again, "Okay it's a deal. When can we make the exchange?"

Napoleon's voice wasn't as cold as it was previously, "In thirty minutes, meet us in our former location. The warehouse, you know where it is. Goodbye."

"Goodbye." Except they didn't hang up. Napoleon curiously listened in, probably wondering if there was more that needed to be said.

We heard voices, but they weren't directed toward us, they were slightly mumbled, and distant. It seemed as though they didn't hang up properly. James' voice came through again, "That man is deranged! Like he would just be given my job after all this! If one hair on Bella's crazy little head is harmed I swear-" Another unfamiliar voice spoke up, "Once we have him in custody we will probably have him checked out, see whether we should put in a mental hospital or give him jail time."

Oh shit.

Napoleon angrily hung up the phone, only to pick it up and dial once again.

"Hello-"

"Deranged am I?"

"What are you-"

"I should be put in a mental hospital should I?"

"Fuck! We didn't hang up the-"

"I've changed my mind. I don't want your money or the position."

"Mr. Levesque, we can-"

"If you want your precious little _Bella_," he spat out my name, "You can find her exactly where I told you."

"What?"

"I make no promises that she'll be alive when you get there though." Then he disconnected.

* * *

"This is a little unnecessary, no?" I questioned.

My two 'friends' had me strapped to the chair, handcuffs tight around my wrists, ropes cutting off the circulation in my arms and legs. They paid me no mind.

"Hey, I'll pay you the money myself if you let me go. And I don't think you're crazy at all. I think you have a great personality." My only defense was to ramble on.

"Shut up," Napoleon finally ordered. He tossed a small black hand gun at ADD, and commanded, "Shoot her."

ADD's eyes popped open, and his voice squeaked as he spoke, "Um, you know I uh…I would, but uh…I think I'm getting carpal tunnel. Yeah! That's right! I have carpal tunnel!"

"You are such a baby!" Napoleon growled angrily, "Just shoot her and get it over with."

"But boss man-"

"Just do it you brainless cretin."

"This is _not_ in my job description!"

"If you do not shoot her right now-"

"If it's so easy, why don't _you_ do it?" ADD was now in full pout mode.

"Because I'm the boss!" Napoleon bit out through clenched teeth.

"Yeah! So that's why _you_ should do it!" ADD was hysterical now.

"No! That's why you have to listen to me!" Napoleon was red in the face.

"Why do you have to be so bossy all the time? I do everything you ask of me!" ADD continued his rampage, "But do you appreciate any of it? No! Sometimes you are such and ass-"

"That is enough!" Napoleon yelled, "I will do it!"

It took him a few minutes to get a good hold on the gun. He took his stance, feet shoulder width apart, both hands firmly gripping the gun. He was shaking, and this worried me. Becoming his target practice did not sound like very much fun. But I was paralyzed, I couldn't force my mouth to move.

"Okay," Napoleon finally said, "On the count of three." He sighed, trying to calm himself. "One." Long pause. "Two." Even longer pause.

Just as Napoleon was about to open his mouth to count to three, a loud crash echoed through the room. A gigantic semi-truck had just smashed through the side of the build. Literally. Planks of wood and scraps of metal crashed and flew everywhere. We all turned our heads to look for the cause of all this sudden damage.

In life, there are some moments that you will never forget. Whether they are good, bad, or crazy. This was one of them, and incidentally, it was all three of those things.

McGiant stepped out of the truck, a Glock in each of his hands, aimed directly at Napoleon and ADD's heads. "Place the gun on the ground!" he demanded to Napoleon.

"Who are you?" was Napoleon's response.

McGiant shot the ground next to ADD's foot, causing him to jump ten fucking feet in the air. Napoleon immediately dropped the gun, and began to back away. McGiant was quick to grab the gun and put it out of their reach. As soon as he freed me from my binds, I threw my arms around his neck -quite a feat I must say- and hugged him tightly.

He smiled down at me and turned his attention back to tweedledee and tweedledumb, "The cops are on their way." He then began to explain to me what had led him here. "I was at the fair and I saw you get taken, I couldn't stop him, because I wasn't sure if he was armed or something, so I followed you guys. I followed you to the warehouse, and I was about to barge in to save you, but then the little man showed up. I didn't like the odds, especially since I didn't have any defenses. I saw the whole thing in the parking lot, with the tasers, so I figured I needed a better plan. I continued to follow you, and while you were in the parking lot of In-n-out, I was able to borrow the guns and the truck."

Just as I was about to speak, we heard the sounds of the police vehicles entering the premises.

"You took me in like a lost puppy when I needed it, I wouldn't let these assholes take you away."

Within moments it seemed like a billion people were crammed in the small room. They were all grabbing at me, and as soon as I saw James, I practically tackled him. But it was okay because he hugged me back just as hard.

"My Bellsarina is safe!" he exclaimed, burying his face in my hair.

I was so choked with emotion I couldn't speak, I just pressed my face into his shirt. From that point on I was passed around like a little fucking rag doll, but if I said it irritated me I would be lying. Finally I stood face to face with Edward.

I more or less catapulted myself into his arms. We seemed to stand in that embrace for hours.

"I love you Bella."

"I love you too Eddie-boy."

* * *

**McGiant to the rescue!**


	25. Chapter 25

**Hello all,**

**I started this story about two years ago as a fun little project on the side of my real life. I didn't realize at the time, how it would become such a huge part of my life. _Welcome Home Bella Swan_ is my baby, it is the first story I have ever completed. I'd like to thank all of you, my loyal fans. I really appreciate you all, especially those of you who have been around since the beginning. I know I'm a flake and tend to be lazy, and I know I wouldn't update for months at a time, but you are fantastic for sticking with it. So here you go, the final chapter of_ Welcome Home Bella Swan._**

**P.S: Please forgive all my spelling errors and typos.**

* * *

"This is illegal Bella," Coward-ward warned.

"Irrelevant."

"Couldn't you have just set up a video camera or something?" he whisper-asked, darting his eyes in every direction. He wrapped a protective arm around my waist, pulling me tight against him. At least I think it was to be protective. Maybe it was to use me as a human bullet-sponge if need be.

I quickly responded, "And miss the chance to see Tawny wet her too-small pants with my own two eyeballs? Who do you think you're speaking with?" Silly Senor.

Let me explain to you fine people what is occurring. For the past few weeks I have been a bit…_indisposed_. Ever since my fun adventure with my two new friends, all the strange creatures I inhabit with(James, Senor, and Papa) have been on high-alert. They feel as though if I step out of my apartment(legitimately mine, me and James have moved back into our humbled abode now that the danger of delusional stalkers has significantly decreased) without one of them as an escort, I will surely be kidnapped for a second time.

If I wasn't so socially-awkward and James wasn't the only friend I have, I might've been more opposed.

Anyway, the confinement to my home has made it considerably harder to obtain my revenge on Tawny. Pops refused to help. I already asked. James had been really busy at work, there was a beauty pageant being held in town. This leaves Eddie-boy, for whom I used my 'womanly charms' to persuade. I say womanly charms because I'm classy.

"The things I do for you," Edward mumbled under his breath.

No, the things I did for _him._

"You're so hostile today," I said.

To my surprise, he didn't respond. I turned to look at him, and he had his eyes focused on his Blackberry, fingers typing rapidly. He lifted his head up, "Oh sorry, I'm just looking up what the jail time would be for breaking and entering."

"You're so funny. Look at me, I can't contain my laughter."

"Who was joking? We could plead temporary insanity…well maybe not so much the temporary part for you, but that's even better," he rambled on.

"I'm in an exceptionally good mood right now. You'd be a fool to ruin it."

He thought about this for a moment, "Sorry baby."

"And besides," I continued, "We'd only get arrested if they caught us inside her apartment. And we're sly so we won't get caught."

He sighed, and tightened his grasp on me as we walked down the empty hallway. Her apartment was relatively easy to find, and for that I was grateful.

"Okay, play it cool," I gave Edward a pointed look as we neared Tawny's front door.

"Why do you have to say it like that?" The pout in his voice was evident.

"Well…" I let my voice trail off.

"Are you trying to imply something?" my poor Senor was clearly offended.

"No, I wasn't-"

He interrupted, "No, tell me, what were you trying to imply?"

I sighed, "It's just that sometimes, while dealing in legally questionable situations, you tend to-"

"Forget I said anything." His words came out in a grumble.

"Don't worry, it's kind of sexy," I assured him quickly.

"Yeah?" he asked, his eyes hopeful.

"Yeah."

"So, how are we going to get in?" Senor questioned, "Should I lift you in through a window? Bang the fucking door down? Pick the lock?"

"I was going to use the key," I responded, "But who am I to ruin your fun?"

I'd like to say that Tawny's apartment was nothing like what I had previously envisioned. I'd like to say the walls of Tawny's apartment weren't bubblegum pink. I'd like to say that her couches and armchairs were not leopard print. I'd like to say that there weren't posters of the Jonas Brothers and that Justine Bieber girl adorning the walls.

Yeah.

Edward was the first to speak, "I can't lie and say I'm surprised."

"I don't even know how to comment on this."

"I think this is one of those things that we pretend we never saw. A painful memory you block out and never speak of again."

"I think so too."

And then we were off to work. It took us about forty-five minutes to set up everything perefectly, but I knew it was time well spent.

"Now what?" asked Edward.

"We have about half an hour before she's expected home. So we raid her refrigerator," I told him.

"Naturally."

After we stuffed our bellies full of Tawny's food, we searched for a location to hide.

"This closet's perfect," I exclaimed.

"How will you be able to see what's happening?" he wondered aloud.

"I'm going to drill a small hole through the door."

"Of course you are."

"Do you want one too?" I asked.

"I'm good, but it was considerate of you to offer."

What seemed like decades later(in reality it was a few minutes), the sound of someone clumsily and aggressively unlocking the front door echoed throughout the room. We both tensed, and epileptic little butterflies filled my stomach.

Tawny's hyena-like voice cut through the air, "Ugh, hurry up Tommy, we don't have much time."

"It'd go by faster if you stopped talking," this 'Tommy' character mumbled under his breath. The Senor and I shared a chuckle at Tawny's expense.

Before I realized what was happening, my poor, innocent eardrums were filled with animalistic grunts and high-pitched moans. The Senor and I stopped chuckling.

"This was such a great idea Bella," the Senor muttered into my ear sarcastically.

"It's not my fault she's a dirty little slue!"

"No! It's your fault we have to _hear_ her being a dirty little slue! Wait, what's a slue?"

"It's the same thing as a slut, I just prefer the term," I explained.

"Shit! Tommy, did you hear that?" Tawny was scared.

"No." Tommy was irritated.

"No, really! I heard something coming from the closet!"

FML.

"I'm sure it's nothing," Tommy tried to convince her.

I gingerly pressed my eye to the makeshift peephole, praying to the dear God above that our friends would be fully clothed. The moment was bittersweet. The pair had just finished putting their clothes back on- sweet. Tawny was headed this way- bitter.

But, when she was a mere five feet away, her gaze fixed on something before her. Her eyes widened comically, her mouth formed a terrified little 'o', and her previously spray-tanned face turned to a deep lobster-red. Seconds later, an inhuman sounding cry pierced through the air.

Although it was futile, both Edward and I covered our ears hoping to block out the painful noise. I heard a deep groan come from who I assumed to be Tommy. He spoke, "What the fuck?"

She began to stutter, "The-ther-there's a sp-p-p-pi-ider!"

"I can't understand a word you're saying!" he shouted at her.

"A FUCKING SPIDER!"

My heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest, and I couldn't hold back my beaming smile. I again pressed my eye to the peephole.

Tawny was now standing(bouncing) on top of the couch. Is it mean to say she resembled a cracked out monkey? Probably. Do I care? Not so much.

Tommy was just standing there, looking dumbstruck.

"Kill it!" she yelled, before jumping on the couch and running toward the hallway. I quickly produced a small black detonator from my pocket. I pressed the little red button with no hesitation. Moments later…"AHHH!"

"What the fuck is that thing!" Tommy shouted.

"OH MY GOD!"

I watched Tommy move closer to 'Rodger', trying to get a good inspection of him. Tawny was curled up in the corner of the room, desperately clutching a throw pillow in front of her body, as if it would block her from the attack.

"Um…I don't think this is re-"

"WE'RE GOING TO DIE!"

"I'm almost positive this is electroni-"

"WE'RE GOING TO DIE!"

"IT'S NOT REAL YOU STUPID BITCH!"

"It's not real?" she asked, still keeping her cautious eyes on the black, five foot tall spider, also known as 'Rodger'. As Tommy pointed out, it was electronic and completely harmless. My publisher, Laurent, was using it for the promotion of another book, and I begged him to let me borrow it.

Tommy cleared his throat, "No." His eyebrows furrowed, "Did you, uh, have an accident?"

Tawny's face went red, this time in embarrassment, "I'm going to go change."

By this point Edward and I were rolling around our confined space in complete stitches of laughter.

"Oh my God, there's that noise again!"

"What noise?" questioned Tommy.

Edward pulled me to him, placing his hand over my mouth to muffle my loud guffaws.

"You know what, I don't even give a fuck anymore."

We waited till the sound of her footsteps faded away completely before we decided to make a run for it. Upon exiting the closet, I noticed a frazzled looking Tommy standing by the couch. His eyes crinkled in bewilderment once he saw us.

"And who are you?"

I leaned over to Edward and whispered in his ear, "Ignore him, don't even look at him, it'll make him think he's crazy. We just gather our things and leave." He nodded his affirmation.

"Who _are _you people?"

We had collected our things in record time.

"Fuck!"

I turned to him as we were walking out the door and muttered disapprovingly, "You have to lay off the E man."

* * *

"Get Edward to agree and then we'll see what happens," I chuckled. I nodded my head toward the Senor, who was sitting on the couch watching _A Bronx Tale _trying to avoid our little tiff.

James raised an eyebrow at me, "Bitch, we all know who wears the pants in your relationship."

"And it's _clearly_ not me!" Edward yelled bitterly over the sound of the T.V.

"Okay, well I'm saying no," I told James, staring at the wall behind his head for he doesn't deserve eye contact.

"But I don't accept that."

"How inopportune for you."

He glared at me, "Just put the sweater on you little slut."

"Why so hostile this morning, forget to eat your _Wheaties_ again?" I asked.

He eyed me for a few moments, "You make me want to hit you really hard…I mean…I _wouldn't_. But I want to."

Today is Christmas Eve. James has the brilliant idea in his unbalanced brain that Edward, himself, and I should take a 'family' portrait. He says that after all we've been through together, we have formed our own little coven. Now, I know most people would love to have their best friend and their boyfriend be close. But to be honest, I'd rather them not coexist at all. _I_ barely like coexisting with either of them for heaven's sake. My point is, James using the word 'family' to describe us three makes my eye twitch.

But the most excellent part of James' vision, is the matching sweaters. Ugly green, adorned with perfectly symmetrical snowflakes and pictures of Santa in various scenarios.

"Who the fuck works at five o'clock on Christmas eve anyway?" I muttered, looking at the sweater from a different angle, seeing if it looked any better. Yeah…it didn't.

"I have a friend who owes me a favor," his tone shifted from bitchy to pleading, "Please Bellsarina?"

"What time is this asshole coming over?"

James squealed in joy and threw his arms around me tightly. Once he released me, he skipped over to Edward, grabbed his hand and dragged him to our conjoint bathroom. "Bellsarina!" he yelled, "Get your pretty little ass over here, we all need to get picture perfect!"

This 'Antonio' arrived roughly two hours later. We were all dressed and ready, makeup perfectly applied, hair expertly mousse-d, and ugly matching sweaters wrinkle free.

Antonio(like everyone else in my life) was an interesting person. He was about twenty-six years old, wore Ray-Ban eye-glasses with some 'trendy' black ensemble, and spoke in a thick Puerto Rican accent that I highly suspected was forged to make him seem exotic. He had taken a fierce keenness to our dear Senor.

I found this highly amusing, and I'm almost positive Edward was flattered.

James decided that we would do our little photo shoot by the fireplace, so we waited for Antonio to set up shop. He clapped his hands together once he was ready. "Okay beautiful," he said, grabbing Edward's hand and leading him to sit down in the armchair, "You just sit there and look pretty."

James and I snorted, while Edward just smiled smugly at us.

"And you two," Antonio's tone was far less interested than a second ago, "Just…stand behind him or something."

I personally wouldn't care if they photo-chopped me out of all the pictures, I just wanted to get this over with so I wouldn't miss the new episode of _Flipping Out_. So I complied easily, dragging a sulky James along with me. Antonio snapped some pictures, and James rushed to take a look at them.

"Oh _fuck _no!"

"What is the matter?" Antonio asked, not seeming like he cared all that much to find out.

"You can barely see us!" James shouted.

Antonio sighed like it was a waste of his breath just to respond, "I suppose we could vary some poses."

"Why don't we take out the chair and all just sit directly in front of the fireplace?" Edward suggested.

"Oh Eduardo!" Antonio screeched, "That is such a great idea!"

Our Senor chose to ignore the praise and set about moving the chair out of the way. He then pulled me to him and violently shoved his tongue down my throat, forcefully squeezing my behind with one of his hands. When he was done with his assault, I leaned in to whisper in his ear, "Don't like the attention Eduardo?"

"No," he spoke through clenched teeth. I placed a mockingly sweet kiss to his jaw.

James watched our encounter with a half impatient, half indulgent smile. Antonio on the other hand, glared at me like I had just ripped his heart out and then fed it to a cat. I gave him a 'what can you do?' shrug and went to sit down on the stone step next to James.

As Edward made to sit next to me, Antonio began to speak again. "You know," he spat icily at me, "My camera appears to just _not_ like your face."

I chuckled, "Isn't the first time I've heard that, and it won't be the last."

But I was angry now. Not particularly at Antonio, I didn't care enough about him to waste my anger. No, now I was angry at James. I was missing _Flipping Out_ to take this silly little picture that probably wouldn't look aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. Fucker.

I scowled at the camera.

After a few new poses, James' rants, and shameless flirting from Antonio later we were finished.

"Who wants to see the pictures?" Antonio asked.

"No one," James and I muttered in unison at the same time Edward joyously yelled, "Me!"

Antonio placed his fancy laptop on the coffee table so Edward, James and I could take a look at the pictures. Although we were set in differing poses, all the pictures were identical. I was scowling, not even making the attempt to smile, and James was noticeably tense, his grin so obviously forced. Then of course, there was Edward beaming at the camera, looking like he didn't have a fucking care in the world.

"We look good guys," Edward said cheerfully, giving James' shoulder a squeeze and placing a firm kiss on my cheek.

"If by good you mean crazed and volatile, then we look great," I mocked in his happy tone.

Edward shrugged, "We're at least better than those Kardashians."

James and I nodded our agreement.

* * *

"Don't worry my little sourpuss," James cooed at me, "I'll make you some coffee."

"I don't even like coffee."

"Come on baby, it's Christmas!" Edward said, placing small and precise kisses along my bare shoulders.

My voice came out as a growl, "It's five thirty in the fucking morning."

"We have a big day ahead of us!" James exclaimed.

Bah fucking Humbug.

I had the lucky fortune of James catapulting himself into my bed to wake me up. And let me tell you, those fancy health bars he imports from Switzerland are _not_ working.

"Would you like some hot chocolate kitten?" James asked.

"Maybe," I mumbled.

He jovially made me my hot chocolate, singing along to the Christmas CD that was blaring from the sound system. After he finished, we all sat around the heavily decorated Christmas tree. All was well and good as we began trading gifts, but things began to get interesting when Edward opened his present from James.

"Um," Edward's eyebrows rumpled in confusion, "What are these?"

James' face lit up, "They're Kamisori Left Handed Black Diamond Hair Shears! They're some of the best on the market!"

"Um, I'm not really into the whole hair styling thing, and I'm not left-handed," Edward said good-naturedly, "But thank you."

"Oh! I'm sorry, I can tell those aren't what you wanted," James frowned in fake devastation, "I could of sworn you said you've been wanting a pair."

"I don't even know how to pronounce the name."

James sighed dramatically and began shaking his head in disappointment, "You know what? I'll just take one for the team and keep them for myself, how does that sound?"

I rolled my eyes and began speaking, "No-"

James interrupted me, "I know what you're about to say, I'm so fucking selfless, but don't worry about it. Really, I'm just a kind soul."

"No," I repeated, turning to Edward, "I'll help you sell them on EBay."

The Senor smiled happily, "That's a great idea babe, I'm sure they'll be worth a bundle!"

James' jaw dropped open humorously, and I couldn't hold back my chuckle at his expense. He gripped the scissors to his body like a mother would her small child. His eyes narrowed into little slits, and darted between Edward and I like one of us would pounce at any moment.

"You will not touch these you little shits," he used his best threatening voice, "I'll buy a new fucking present, but over my dead body will you be selling these little gems on EBay!" He glared at us some more before carrying on with his rant, "You assholes almost gave me a heart attack with that EBay bit!"

"Serves you right for being a selfish douche," I told him, reaching over to give Edward a kiss, only to be pulled into his lap.

"Oh yeah, I mean no harm dear Senor, I just needed a pawn, and you were there," James shrugged.

"No worries," Edward smirked, probably still internally laughing at James' reaction to our little plan.

"I'll buy really good tickets to one of those baseball games you're always watching on T.V." James exclaimed excitedly, "It'll be so much fun!"

We finished exchanging presents a few hours later, and my mood had shifted significantly higher from where it was this morning. Soon after, we began to clean up all the pieces of ripped wrapping and tissue paper that had created a mess around the apartment. Well, Edward began to clean up the mess, James and I supervised.

The doorbell interrupted our hard work, it was McGiant.

"Hey man," Edward clapped him on the back, "Good to see you. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you all too! Don't worry," McGiant looked at me, "I come bearing gifts."

"Good," I said, "That's the only reason I let you in."

The doorbell rang for a second time.

James smiled, "We're so popular today!"

I snorted, "For the first time in our lives."

"Preach it honey," he sighed, before going to open the door. And surprisingly, it was our realtor Victoria.

"Hey guys," she greeted, "Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas," We responded.

"So what's up Vicky?" James asked.

"Maybe I'm just here for a social call," she replied.

I chuckled, "We never get social calls. So what's up?"

"You got me," she laughed, "A client of mine was very interested in buying one of the apartments in the building, but after your whole fiasco, they're worried the crime rate's too high. I just wanted to see if you could set up a meeting to tell them how you crazy fucks were a special case."

"Hey!" I cried, "It's not my fault people hate James!"

James exasperatedly threw his hands in the air, "It's not my fault people hate 'cause I'm doing my thang!"

"Yeah," Victoria guffawed, "People are so jealous of you James."

"Damn straight!"

"How are you, by the way?" She asked me.

"The good thing about being a naturally dysfunctional human being, is I don't get traumatized easily. I refer to that little 'road trip' as a life experience."

Edward scoffed and tightened his hold on me, which caught Victoria's attention.

She was obviously confused, "Hey, isn't that-"

"Yes!" James yelled, "They're boning now! Isn't that funny?"

Except Victoria didn't answer, for her and McGiant(who had been silent since her arrival) were in a passionate stare-down. It was intense in an extremely awkward manner, but I couldn't force myself to look away.

"I think they're having a moment," James whispered.

"Let us not ruin it," I responded. So the three of us proceeded to stare.

Victoria was the first to break the silence, "Hi, I'm Victoria."

"Hey," McGiant managed to stutter out(you'd think this was the first attractive woman he'd ever seen), "McG- I mean, Luis McHale! My name is Luis McHale."

"It's nice to meet you," she blushed.

If James had recapped this story to me I would have never believed it. Seeing this blushing, self-conscious mess of an otherwise confident, verbose, lioness-like woman was so foreign to me. I couldn't believe my eyes.

McGiant blurted, "You're beautiful." His cheeks turned radish-like.

Upon seeing his discomfort, Victoria practically shouted, "You're beautiful too!"

They grinned at each other.

"I have to go to my parents' place soon, would you maybe want to come?" McGiant asked sweetly, "Unless of course you have somewhere else to be, I completely under-"

"No!" Poor McGiant's face fell.

"Wait!" She howled frantically, "I mean, no, I don't have any plans. All my family's back East, I had nothing planned for today at all. I would _love_ to go with you!"

"Really?" he asked, beaming.

"Yeah! Let's go!"

And they were gone.

I couldn't help but ask, "Can I take credit for this?"

James rolled his eyes, "Hell fucking no bitch. If anyone gets to take credit it's me!"

I gasped, "Yeah fucking right."

"I do! I knew Victoria first!"

"Well I knew McGiant first!"

Edward quickly intervened, "Why don't we go get something to eat?"

* * *

The delicious smells wafting through the small but busy diner made my stomach grumble and reminded me of my maddening hunger. I glared at all of the people I knew were ahead of us in the queue, damning them all to hell for standing in the way of me and my food.

"Stop it Bella," James sighed.

"Some people are just selfish bastards," I spat out.

Edward laughed, "_So _selfish."

The hostess walked up to her stand, and I sat upright, anxiously hoping we would be the next to be seated. "Maria party of three, your table's ready!" she called out. After a few moments of no activity, she repeated her words. She sighed, "Maria-"

"That's me!" I called, "Sorry, I'm a little hard in hearing."

She smiled at me, "No problem, please follow me to be seated." She led us to a cozy little booth towards the back of the diner, "Your server should be with you shortly." James smiled at her pleasantly until she left, before laying into me.

"You little fucking liar."

"Sometimes a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do," I said while browsing the menu, "Be ready to order when the server gets here, because I'm not waiting."

"Yes Ma'am!" Edward saluted me.

"Look who it is!"

I looked around, and was slightly surprised to see who was calling. Skipper, the overly-excitable sixteen-year-old waiter who served me(and ultimately ruined my hiding spot by bringing me to the Calles attention) the night my and James' apartment was first broken into.

I smiled at him, "Hey Skipper, how've you been?"

"I've been good, thanks," he took out his little order pad, "But how are _you_? It was a shock to see you on the news. Especially since I specifically remember you telling me your name was Pedro." He didn't look upset though, just amused.

"I recall something similar." The voice was vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place exactly where I knew it from. Edward, however, tensed and began to shiver, "I'd know that voice anywhere."

It was Middleton, I mean Mike, our perverted waiter who had some fun time with Eddie-boy's answering machine. And he was holding hands with…Lauren Mallory?

"Hey guys!" She said cheerfully, "Bella, I read in the newspap-"

"You read?" this of course came from James.

She sighed, "Okay, I saw it in the news. But are you okay?" The genuine concern in her voice confused me. She began to speak again, "I know I've always been a major bitch, but…love changes you." She let out a long breath, and made googly-eyes with Mickey.

Skipper started to talk again, "What happened to the Pierre Levesque guy?"

James responded, "He's trying to plead insanity, so the verdict is still pending. He was charged with kidnapping, attempted murder, and blackmail."

"And the accomplices?" Lauren questioned.

"Joseph, the one who was originally caught at the fair, was let off considerably easy, and only charged with attempted kidnapping. Jean-Paul was charged with kidnapping and attempted murder."

I couldn't help but add in, "And his mother Patricia was charged with the aiding and abetting of a criminal."

"Well I'm glad you're alright," Skipper stated, "I mean, I've had some pretty nasty customers, but your level of verbal abuse is on a stage common folk could only dream of reaching. I'd miss that."

I thought for a moment, "I've decided to take that as a compliment."

Skipper started to laugh, "I knew you would."

Mirtle checked his watch, and made a sour face, "It was nice seeing you guys, but we really have to get going, we're supposed to be at Lauren's parents house in a half hour, we really just came to pick up some pies."

"Yeah," Lauren smiled at us all, "It was good seeing you all, Merry Christmas!" And then they were gone.

"So Skipper," I smirked, "Why don't you sit down and share with us the day and life of a pubescent, sixteen-year-old waiter?"

"What can I get for you guys?" Skipper ignored my quip about puberty, and decided to take our order. Once I started to speak he cut in, "And I'm _seventeen_."

I made a 'aren't you cool' face and placed my order. Chocolate chip pancakes with bacon, eggs, hash browns, sourdough toast, and gravy biscuits. James ordered the same minus the bacon and sourdough toast, and Edward ordered an omelet. I shook my head at him in disappointment.

"_I'd_ like to save room for later, thank you very much," Eddie sniped.

A few moments later, James began to snicker. We looked at him questioningly, "I bet little Skipper's spitting in Bella's food as we speak."

I clenched my fists, "You know how paranoid I am about that shit, I'm not going to be able to enjoy my breakfast now!"

He continued to guffaw, "That was the point."

"You look like a donkey when you laugh!"

He gasped in horror, "Take that back!"

Edward stretched his arm so it laid casually across the top of the booth, "Great Christmas spirit guys, keep it up."

* * *

"I think I forgot something back at the apartment, I should go and get it. Don't worry I'll only be a few minutes…or hours." I forced an awkward smile at Edward and James.

James scoffed, "Shut the fuck up and help us carry this shit inside."

Edward was entertained, "What he said."

I stared daggers at them both.

"It won't be that bad Bella," James tried to convince me, "And just think of the food!" The thought of Esme's delicious Christmas feast made my mouth water.

We had just began to unload the car when Alice Calle and Jasper Calle came out of the house. I sighed heavily, and James pinched me in warning.

Alice launched herself at Edward, "Merry Christmas!" She repeated this to James, with a one armed hug. She smiled at me warmly, "Merry Christmas Bella."

I couldn't help but acknowledge the fact that she made it a point not to push my personal space boundaries. So I grinned back, "Merry Christmas Alice." Her pretty green eyes lit up like little light bulbs, and she began to bounce in place. Jasper quickly leaned over and whispered something in her ear, making her calm down quickly. After her 'episode' they progressed on to help us carry the rest of our gifts into the house.

The scent of cinnamon, ham and turkey baking in the oven, and crisp apple-pie freshly set out on the cooling rack filled my nostrils.

"Isabella Swan, is that you I hear causing ruckus in my home?" Esme's sweet voice sounded through the foyer.

She came into view, looking perfect with her beautiful dress and effortlessly flawless bronze hair. She crushed me with an unexpectedly strong hug. Once she let me free and I was able to get air back into my poor little lungs I greeted, "Mama C!"

"You've grown so much!" her voice was a bit wistful.

"Well fu- _fudge. _I was going to say _fudge _Mama C. To be honest, your lack of faith saddens me sometimes," I frowned.

"Never mind," she did an eyebrow raise, "You haven't grown one _bit_."

James then felt he needed to make his presence known, "Hello Mrs. Cullen. I'm James, and I'd like to thank you for allowing Bella and I to impose on your lovely Christmas dinner." He just oozed charm and I could tell that Esme adored him instantly.

"Well first of all, it's Esme, none of that Mrs. Cullen stuff. And second of all, you two are not imposing in the slightest!" she gushed.

"Are you sure? James can leave at anytime," I told her.

"Always the same old Bella," the velvety voice was uncannily similar to Edward's, all smooth and deep and whatnot.

I turned around quickly, and was pulled into another hug. "C-dog!" I exclaimed happily.

"Merry Christmas Bella! You too James," Carlisle smiled.

Edward let out a heavy, dramatic sigh, "Sure, just ignore your son!"

Esme chortled at him, "We saw you this morning!"

This bamboozled me, "When?"

Alice reentered the conversation, "It's a tradition, we always come home at midnight to open presents and read Christmas stories and so on."

I turned to the Senor, "How come I wasn't invited?"

He looked exasperated, "I did invite you, but you threw pens at me for waking you up."

"Oh."

"I wasn't invited," James mumbled under his breath.

"I wouldn't have invited you either," I told him.

Moments later a loud boisterous voice reverberated off the walls. "I'm home! Now the _real_ party can begin!"

Carlisle began to speak again after Emmett and Rosalie put their coats away and got all settled in, "Now let us progress into the dining room, so we can stuff our faces with the delicious food my beautiful wife has spent the day slaving away over."

Amen to that.

We proceeded into the immaculately decorated dining room. And then we began the feast that made me happier than Ramona when she had her very first drink of Pinot Grigio. The food she made was an orgasm on a plate. The conversations wasn't half bad either.

All was well until Emmett decided to steal the roll I was so obviously about to grab. The last _fucking_ roll. And the fucker was proud of himself too, I wanted to throw the butter knife at him.

I felt my eyes tighten and my fists clench.

"There's something wrong with your face," Emmett was smug. But he had earned himself a hard smack from Rosalie.

"You clearly saw me reaching for the roll," I stated.

He retaliated by taking a vicious bite out of it.

Esme interrupted our quarrel, "Bella honey, there are more rolls in the kitchen, why don't you go get them?"

I walked back to the dining room, pondering ways I could antagonize Emmett when I noticed our new dining companion.

"Do my eyes deceive me? Have I finally reached the level of insanity where my mind creates images that are not truly there?" I cocked my head to the side, studying the person in front of me. Chief Swan in all his glory.

He threw his hands to the air in exasperation, "I swear, she gets it from her mother."

I practically tackled the man to the ground, but he hugged me back just as tightly, "You're supposed to be on your cruise!"

"I couldn't go on a cruise! After all that stuff that happened, I couldn't just leave my kid on Christmas!" His voice was deep but friendly, and I found it extremely comforting.

"That's so _Seventh Heaven _of you."

He shrugged his shoulders dismissively.

I rolled my eyes, but couldn't hold back my smile, "It's good to have you here pops."

* * *

I squinted at my phone for a good five minutes before actually picking it up and dialing. I groaned as I waited for my call to go through, "Bells?" Even though he was many miles away and completely out of sight, I could just imagine the mockingly patient smile plastered on his face.

"What's up Pa?"

"Nothing much. Just- What do you kids call it? Oh yeah, hangin'." His sarcastic tone made me scowl. "How about you?"

"Same, just...hangin'." I really did not want to give him the satisfaction of being right. After I had made such a big deal about the situation, my pride couldn't take the hit. The best bet I had was to try and trick the information out of him.

"Good, that's good," I could tell that he was almost laughing.

"Yup."

He had collected himself, "Anything you needed to ask me? Any problems you needed help with? Any _lost items_ you need help finding?"

"Nope," I popped the P.

Charlie and Sue had to cancel their Cruise in order to be home for Christmas, and their travel agent was not able to refund them their money. However, he was able to secure them spots in a different cruise, and they jumped at the opportunity. So they'd be at sea for the next three weeks, leaving me in charge of house-sitting. I'm fairly confident I won't set the house on fire or any shit like that, so I'm all good. The problem is-

You know what? It'll probably just be easier to go into flashback mode for you fine folks.

-Flashback-

I had just paid the delivery guy for my takeout when my phone rang, "Hey Chief."

"Bells," Papa said in greeting, "I'm going to need to ask you a favor."

"What, you need some backup? Those shoplifting old ladies getting to be too much for you to handle in rough and tough Forks?" I asked, half joking, half hoping it was true.

"No."

"That's a little disappointing."

"Sue and I will be going on our cruise after all, and I need you to come home to check on the house and to turn the sprinklers on for fifteen minutes twice a day- write this down Bella," he admonished.

"No problem Pops."

"Okay," he sighed, "I'm going to leave the keys with Edward, because I know you'll either lose them of forget about it all together."

"Father! I am hurt that you think such things!" I gasped out.

"Oh?" he sounded more entertained than anything.

"Yes, I'm perfectly capable of keeping a simple pair of keys. I'm a little mean, not disabled."

Papa was not convinced, "Are you sure? Remember how you forgot to feed your fish, you were so sad when they died."

"Dad," I groaned, "I was six."

"No, it was two weeks ago," he corrected, "You made me come flush them down the toilet."

"Oh yeah," I let it go, "Dad, it'll be fine, don't worry about it."

"If you say so."

-End Flashback-

And of course I lost the keys(but I secretly think my Dad made Edward hide them from me for his own sick jollies). Now I had to call and ask him where the spare one's were.

"I don't have time for this, I'm getting a massage in ten minutes," he finally said, "There's a set of spare keys under the turtle on the porch." And then he hung up.

So I checked under the turtle, but before I could get them in my grasp, a hand grabbed my shoulder and roughly turned me around.

It was a small, elderly woman. I stared at her for a few moments, trying to figure out where I knew her from. _It couldn't be…_

"You little slut!" Her voice was one of someone who'd had one too many cigarettes.

"Me?" I pointed at myself.

"I told you once not to mess with my Johnny!," she rolled up her sleeves, "Guess I'll have to teach this bitch some manners!" I watched her pull her arm back and didn't even register the fact that I had been punched until the blood started to ooze out of my nose.

Someone called out in the distance, "Grandma! I told you it 's 503! _Not 305!"_

_-The End-_

* * *

**I really hoped you enjoyed this chapter, as well as the first twenty-so. For my next FF projects, I plan to write another EdwardxBella fanfic, I shall be posting the first chapter soon(Don't worry, I'll be more organized this time around). As well as that, I will work on revising WHBS. I will do it chapter by chapter, and there will not be major changes. I will just be fixing all the spelling and grammar errors I was too lazy to fix earlier. I will probably also be naming all the chapters.**

**Again, I hope you enjoyed, and I wish you all the best!**

**-Victoria**


	26. Gracias!

You are all such lovely people. To all those who had my back and let me know what was happening and reported this child to FF, I thank you heaps. I like to think that this 'Twilightering' character is a nine year old with little knowledge of right and wrong playing on their mother's IPad. If not, then they probably lead a pretty sad existence. Alas, I've been informed that we can all put our wands away because the situation is under control. I- of course- will continue to do my own personal digging to verify that this 'Twilightering' child has been handled properly, but am happy to see that their account is "no longer active". Once again, I thank all my loyal death eaters- I mean fans- for letting me know the situation right away. Happy Mothers day!

Sincerely,

Too many Harry Potter references for the Twilight fandom?


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